*sigh*
I think I really need to get back on my meds. I'm getting depressed again, which leads me to be extra OCD, which leads me to have very disturbing thoughts, which leads me to check, re-check, and triple check things. Like, I know the kittens aren't going to magically get out of their cage and into the microwave just as I start it after I put my food in, but I open and close the door three or more times looking in it to make sure, then after I start it, I look in it, and then go count the kittens. Same thing with flushing the toilet, I have to make sure they're not in there, hold all three of them in my hands, or make sure they're all in the cage before flushing. I know its insane but I just get awful thoughts like those all the time when I'm not on my meds.
Also, I cry a lot for no good reason, and get into tons of arguments with Larry and others. The last 4 out or 5 times I've been in the room with Larry or he's gone to be sweet and touch my lovingly or give me a kiss, I have to walk out of the room or go into the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes. I have been crying so much that its left dark circles under my eyes and everyone asks me if I've been crying even if its been two hours or more since.
I hate that I have no one to talk to about this. If I talk to Larry, he says "well stop it" if I talk to my parents its "everyone gets that way, you're normal" and none of my friends really get it, either. I don't have money for a therapist either, which sucks, too.
Money. I have none. Just by paying my credit card bills and getting gas for the week, I overdrew my account. Need the gas to get to work to make money to pay the bills, and also need to pay the credit cards so I don't get late fees, which turn into over limit fees, which turn into a lower credit score and less credit eligibility for things I might need in the future. I wish my dad would lay me off from the company because honestly, I'd be getting more money that way, because they determine it off of your two highest grossing quarters over the first for of the last five quarters. Basically I'd be getting about $240 from unemployment vs. $100 from work. The sooner he does it, the better, too, because two weeks from now that whole quarter thing changes and I'll only be getting $170 if that happens.
So, one thing that also sucks about not having any money is it stresses Larry out, which leads to absolutely no intimacy in our relationship because he just can't and doesn't want to do anything when he's stressed out. The last time anything happened was on the 13th, and even then it was quick. I've also been snoring, which in all fairness to Larry, I have outcast myself to the eBay room to sleep. I have a nice air mattress that's double decker that my dad bought me when I had to sleep at the office. *sigh* so no intimacy + depression = not so happy Natalie.
The only thing that has brought me happiness in the last couple of weeks has been the kittens. They're all starting to develop their own personalities, and it is so adorable to watch them play. I really hope we keep one of them, and I'm sure Larry will be the one to decide which one... I swear, I never really get any decision making anymore. He likes Patches, but she's just a normal cat. I like Kira and Dusty because each of them have very unique markings and Kira loves to be held, which all three of our cats despise, and Dusty is a major lap kitty, which is something I need because I am desperate for a companion.
Speaking of companions... I miss Frankie so much. Its been almost two years since she died and it hurts just the same as it did the day I found out she had been put to sleep. To recap for the people on my friends list - I had a very sweet loving female Pit bull/Australian shepherd mix named Frankie that I adopted from the SPCA when I was 15 years old. When I moved out of my parent's house, they had to keep her because Larry and I didn't have the space for a dog in our trailer. I was working for my dad at the time in the office in Virginia, so I didn't go to his house every day like I do now. One day he idly mentions that Frankie had been missing for a few days, but he didn't think to mention it until then. I immediately called my mother and she said "A few days? Try a couple of weeks." I was already livid that no one had told me, but they all assumed she would just come back after being gone for a few days, but it was so not like her to disappear like that. I immediately set out calling all of the local shelters to file a lost dog report, to no avail. No one had her, it seemed. I looked on www.petfinder.com only to see the eyes of my puppy dog looking up at me through her cage. I called the shelter that listed as having her, and they said that yes, she was still there, and to come get her. My mom drove up to the Kent County SPCA shelter and waited... and waited... and waited... while the staff went looking through files to see if they could locate her. They thought she might be at a satellite shelter, so they called around. At this point, my dad had left to go on an appointment, and I was just happy that my puppy was alive and would be coming home safe to us. Well, about an hour later, my dad returned from his appointment and came into my office and said what I thought was a joke at first that the shelter had put her down. I remember the look in my dad's eyes, the look of remorse he felt for not telling me earlier that she had gone missing, and we both just broke down in tears, as I am doing right now. It turns out the shelter had put her down after only having her for three days, the minimum for strays, because she was less adoptable than the other dogs there because she was part pit. Believe you me, I ripped them a new one for that, but I guess I can understand they had to do what they had to do... But I'll stop rambling now...
Ugh, I'm such a wimp anymore.
Also, I cry a lot for no good reason, and get into tons of arguments with Larry and others. The last 4 out or 5 times I've been in the room with Larry or he's gone to be sweet and touch my lovingly or give me a kiss, I have to walk out of the room or go into the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes. I have been crying so much that its left dark circles under my eyes and everyone asks me if I've been crying even if its been two hours or more since.
I hate that I have no one to talk to about this. If I talk to Larry, he says "well stop it" if I talk to my parents its "everyone gets that way, you're normal" and none of my friends really get it, either. I don't have money for a therapist either, which sucks, too.
Money. I have none. Just by paying my credit card bills and getting gas for the week, I overdrew my account. Need the gas to get to work to make money to pay the bills, and also need to pay the credit cards so I don't get late fees, which turn into over limit fees, which turn into a lower credit score and less credit eligibility for things I might need in the future. I wish my dad would lay me off from the company because honestly, I'd be getting more money that way, because they determine it off of your two highest grossing quarters over the first for of the last five quarters. Basically I'd be getting about $240 from unemployment vs. $100 from work. The sooner he does it, the better, too, because two weeks from now that whole quarter thing changes and I'll only be getting $170 if that happens.
So, one thing that also sucks about not having any money is it stresses Larry out, which leads to absolutely no intimacy in our relationship because he just can't and doesn't want to do anything when he's stressed out. The last time anything happened was on the 13th, and even then it was quick. I've also been snoring, which in all fairness to Larry, I have outcast myself to the eBay room to sleep. I have a nice air mattress that's double decker that my dad bought me when I had to sleep at the office. *sigh* so no intimacy + depression = not so happy Natalie.
The only thing that has brought me happiness in the last couple of weeks has been the kittens. They're all starting to develop their own personalities, and it is so adorable to watch them play. I really hope we keep one of them, and I'm sure Larry will be the one to decide which one... I swear, I never really get any decision making anymore. He likes Patches, but she's just a normal cat. I like Kira and Dusty because each of them have very unique markings and Kira loves to be held, which all three of our cats despise, and Dusty is a major lap kitty, which is something I need because I am desperate for a companion.
Speaking of companions... I miss Frankie so much. Its been almost two years since she died and it hurts just the same as it did the day I found out she had been put to sleep. To recap for the people on my friends list - I had a very sweet loving female Pit bull/Australian shepherd mix named Frankie that I adopted from the SPCA when I was 15 years old. When I moved out of my parent's house, they had to keep her because Larry and I didn't have the space for a dog in our trailer. I was working for my dad at the time in the office in Virginia, so I didn't go to his house every day like I do now. One day he idly mentions that Frankie had been missing for a few days, but he didn't think to mention it until then. I immediately called my mother and she said "A few days? Try a couple of weeks." I was already livid that no one had told me, but they all assumed she would just come back after being gone for a few days, but it was so not like her to disappear like that. I immediately set out calling all of the local shelters to file a lost dog report, to no avail. No one had her, it seemed. I looked on www.petfinder.com only to see the eyes of my puppy dog looking up at me through her cage. I called the shelter that listed as having her, and they said that yes, she was still there, and to come get her. My mom drove up to the Kent County SPCA shelter and waited... and waited... and waited... while the staff went looking through files to see if they could locate her. They thought she might be at a satellite shelter, so they called around. At this point, my dad had left to go on an appointment, and I was just happy that my puppy was alive and would be coming home safe to us. Well, about an hour later, my dad returned from his appointment and came into my office and said what I thought was a joke at first that the shelter had put her down. I remember the look in my dad's eyes, the look of remorse he felt for not telling me earlier that she had gone missing, and we both just broke down in tears, as I am doing right now. It turns out the shelter had put her down after only having her for three days, the minimum for strays, because she was less adoptable than the other dogs there because she was part pit. Believe you me, I ripped them a new one for that, but I guess I can understand they had to do what they had to do... But I'll stop rambling now...
Ugh, I'm such a wimp anymore.