(no subject)
i am crawling out of my skin right now, mostly because i can't sleep and moreover because there's way too much going on when my life should be flatlining. i've tried to read, i've tried listening to music and nothing will funnel my thoughts into one area.
things since the beginning of this past semester have been getting more and more ridiculous by tiny increments. it was the worst semester i've had in my college career in terms of keeping myself together. i spread myself too thin and then blame the butter knife. i'm the only one who can pace myself and given this power choose to run myself ragged.
aside from school my duties to planned parenthood remained, as they always will, at the forefront of my thoughts. i couldn't really tend to this as much as i would've liked to and arlene knows how this goes. this past semester was also the sickest i've ever been. i came down with a cold 3 times and my migraines landed me in the ER. what the fuuuuuuck?
research was fine and this semester i'll be a grant writer. as far as AVA goes...all I have to say is that i'm disappointed in a few people, but so glad others remained responsible. being AVA president has confirmed the hate i have for people that i had otherwise tried to give the benefit of the doubt to. FUCK these people. i mean that. i've loved everyone, but my old ways of hating everyone and everything have been creeping up on me.
my mom is crazy about all the time i spend with eddie. she doesn't want me to become part of one of the couples we've always detested. the ones who hang off of each other, are sewn at the hip and spend holidays with the others' family. well NEITHER DO I, so i think that decision can be left to me. she's out of her mind though and constantly trying to discourage me from spending time with the one boy who makes me feel anything at this point. i realize he and i are ridiculous at times, but i think i can figure out when it goes overboard. as it is things with him are bordering insanity and i don't need her added shit. i am a worried about becoming something i've always sworn sucked ass and that i'd never partake in. this alone prompts me to push him away. the point is that i'm single.
chris and i broke up 3 days before christmas, still exchanged gifts and still talk. we're friends, but in the doldrums. things had been over for months, but i can't clearly define how it is i feel about him. i didn't like him the way someone should like their boyfriend when we first started dating. of course i grew to and then proceeded to grow out of it.
i've never been someone's good, long-time friend before deciding i'm interested in them until recently and i don't really want to be detailed about it because i'm still uncomfortable at the thought of the strength behind this. this is why there's a lump at the base of my throat that makes me sound like bea arthur with bronchitis. the truth is there are so many avenues for me to take and now is probably the worst time to have options. it only makes it worse that i know this and just stand in the middle of the diverging avenues at a standstill.
i also hung out with isaac and it wasn't half bad. then again, i was in a drunken splendor. it had to happen sooner or later and i guess i'm glad it's over.
i know i need a change of scene. i need to surround myself with people i once knew who wouldn't care about this shit and who know nothing of my out of hand ways.
i'm so uncomfortable with my current situations that i can't even tell my sister in full detail about everything. that's how shitty some of it is to me. i can't even believe half the things going on are actually taking place.
i'm allowing myself to get pulled in all sorts of directions. what for? so that others can get shit off their chests? i need a change of scene.
things since the beginning of this past semester have been getting more and more ridiculous by tiny increments. it was the worst semester i've had in my college career in terms of keeping myself together. i spread myself too thin and then blame the butter knife. i'm the only one who can pace myself and given this power choose to run myself ragged.
aside from school my duties to planned parenthood remained, as they always will, at the forefront of my thoughts. i couldn't really tend to this as much as i would've liked to and arlene knows how this goes. this past semester was also the sickest i've ever been. i came down with a cold 3 times and my migraines landed me in the ER. what the fuuuuuuck?
research was fine and this semester i'll be a grant writer. as far as AVA goes...all I have to say is that i'm disappointed in a few people, but so glad others remained responsible. being AVA president has confirmed the hate i have for people that i had otherwise tried to give the benefit of the doubt to. FUCK these people. i mean that. i've loved everyone, but my old ways of hating everyone and everything have been creeping up on me.
my mom is crazy about all the time i spend with eddie. she doesn't want me to become part of one of the couples we've always detested. the ones who hang off of each other, are sewn at the hip and spend holidays with the others' family. well NEITHER DO I, so i think that decision can be left to me. she's out of her mind though and constantly trying to discourage me from spending time with the one boy who makes me feel anything at this point. i realize he and i are ridiculous at times, but i think i can figure out when it goes overboard. as it is things with him are bordering insanity and i don't need her added shit. i am a worried about becoming something i've always sworn sucked ass and that i'd never partake in. this alone prompts me to push him away. the point is that i'm single.
chris and i broke up 3 days before christmas, still exchanged gifts and still talk. we're friends, but in the doldrums. things had been over for months, but i can't clearly define how it is i feel about him. i didn't like him the way someone should like their boyfriend when we first started dating. of course i grew to and then proceeded to grow out of it.
i've never been someone's good, long-time friend before deciding i'm interested in them until recently and i don't really want to be detailed about it because i'm still uncomfortable at the thought of the strength behind this. this is why there's a lump at the base of my throat that makes me sound like bea arthur with bronchitis. the truth is there are so many avenues for me to take and now is probably the worst time to have options. it only makes it worse that i know this and just stand in the middle of the diverging avenues at a standstill.
i also hung out with isaac and it wasn't half bad. then again, i was in a drunken splendor. it had to happen sooner or later and i guess i'm glad it's over.
i know i need a change of scene. i need to surround myself with people i once knew who wouldn't care about this shit and who know nothing of my out of hand ways.
i'm so uncomfortable with my current situations that i can't even tell my sister in full detail about everything. that's how shitty some of it is to me. i can't even believe half the things going on are actually taking place.
i'm allowing myself to get pulled in all sorts of directions. what for? so that others can get shit off their chests? i need a change of scene.