Teach Me To Love You, Chapter 9
Title: Teach Me To Love You
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: KakashixIruka
Rating: T for now, will go up
Summary: Kakashi had never been anything else than what had been expected of him. And nobody had ever expected him to be human. So how could Iruka even want to be near him? How could he say he loved him?
Spoilers: Spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden and very slight ones for the events before the time-skip.
Status: Chapter 9 of 15(?)
Disclaimer: Don’t own.
Teach Me To Love You
by nayru_kleinefee
Chapter 9 - Air guitar?
Kakashi woke when something right changed to something wrong. Without noticing what he was doing exactly, he rolled to his side and blindly reached out to grab Iruka around his waist and pull him back into the bed before he could stand up. And then everything was right again.
“I only wanted to get a glass of water”, the Chuunin whispered. “I didn’t intend to go away for long.”
“Don’t leave”, Kakashi pleaded and tightened his hold.
“I won’t leave.” A gentle hand stroked over his cheek, making him flinch at the foreign touch on his bare skin.
He tried hard but couldn’t stop the memories from coming back. And he felt naked, had never before felt so naked. Everything inside him was stripped bare to Iruka’s eyes now, he would do anything Iruka would ask from him, tell him everything and do whatever he wanted. He was weak and powerless against the Chuunin, even if it would probably only last for a little while to this extend, but he was and still it felt right to him, and even safe. And that was frightening, even if it also felt good somehow, calming, right. He didn’t understand all of this… this thing that was happening to him but still he didn’t care. Because it was Iruka who was with him, Iruka who held him in his arms. He heard a little whimper escape his lips and dragged the Chuunin closer to his chest, trying to assure himself that he was there, still there, and wouldn’t leave.
“It’s fine”, Iruka told him softly and stroked over his hair. “I won’t go anywhere.”
“Your students…”, Kakashi murmured when he remembered that the Chuunin had been planning to go back to teaching that day. But he didn’t want it, he didn’t want to have to let go.
“They’ll have to cope with a substitute for another day. I don’t intend to go anywhere today.”
“Thank you…” He slowly, hesitantly opened his right eye, then lifted his head to look at Iruka. He flinched once again when he saw that the bruises from his hand on the Chuunin’s neck had an angry purple-black colour.
“I’m sure it looks worse than it feels”, Iruka assured and smiled softly, but now that he was more awake, Kakashi could hear that his voice was hoarse and strained.
“I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes in shame. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
“It’s alright.” Iruka kissed his forehead. “I’ve had worse.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Iruka. I never want to hurt you and-”
“I forgive you, Kakashi.”
“But…” Kakashi shook his head. “But I hurt you. I didn’t want that, I never wanted to hurt you. I know that you can’t forgive me but-”
“Shh.” The Chuunin placed a finger on his lips. “I’m not made of glass, Kakashi. I’ve been on eleven A-rank missions and countless B-, C- and D-ranks. I’ve even got a giant shuriken in my back once. What you did yesterday is something I can forgive you easily. Because you didn’t intend to hurt me.”
“I’m sorry”, Kakashi whispered but finally allowed himself to believe that he indeed was forgiven. But still… “Did you cry?”
“Because of these?” Iruka smiled softly. “No.”
“But…” He sighed sadly. “Don’t I always make you cry? Like… like yesterday and when I thought I didn’t want you to hug me and when I didn’t understand that you loved me at first and when I didn’t make that woman go away.” And he’d done it again, he’d again hurt his Chuunin.
“It wasn’t your fault, Kakashi”, Iruka whispered tenderly. “And even if it was, I wouldn’t mind to cry because I love you.” He chuckled. “That’s the reason why I cry even, and the reason why I don’t mind, too. I love you and I care about you and that’s why I sometimes cry when I think that you’re hurt or that you’re going to leave me. Love makes me do stupid things and feel so much it’s sometimes nearly too much and still not mind that at all.”
“I…” Kakashi swallowed hard. “I… I want that, too. All of that.” Although it still frightened him. But if Iruka felt that way, then he wanted to feel the same towards him.
“I’ll help you.” The Chuunin smiled softly.
“Please.” Kakashi slowly lifted his hand and carefully touched the bruises on his neck. “Does it hurt much?”
“I won’t try to lie to you”, Iruka said. “It hurts quite a lot, kind of throbs. But I had worse, really.”
“Okay.” Somehow, Iruka telling him the truth and not trying to comfort him with lies made it easier to bear, at least a little.
“Do you hurt still?”, Iruka asked softly.
“I don’t know.” Kakashi tightened his hold around the Chuunin’s waist. “Yes.” But less than the day before. Less than the years and years before. Before Iruka.
“Nothing of what happened to your father was your fault”, Iruka whispered. “You were just a child.”
Kakashi shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it. Deep, deep inside himself, he knew that Iruka was right, had maybe always known it. But it had been easier to just accept it, to just take the stares and whispers and loathing directed at him as rightful, had been easier to stop feeling, to stop hurting. Had been easier to become an emotionless shell with more than one mask, just as his father had always preached. At least he had done what had been expected from him like that.
“Stop looking like that”, Iruka told him softly and smiled when Kakashi looked up at him. “Smile at me. I’ve always wanted to see how you smile.”
“Okay.” Kakashi did as told.
“Not like that.” Iruka chuckled. “You look as if you just ate something really nasty and now try not to show.”
“Sorry”, Kakashi murmured.
“Don’t worry.” Iruka stroked over his cheek. “I’ll make you smile soon. But first…” He leaned forward, grinning. “I want you to kiss me.”
Kakashi nodded, then complied and as always noticed that kissing Iruka seemed to warm him from the inside like nothing else ever had. And this time it was even better, even more intense than before, because he felt himself do something he’d never done before: He trusted completely.
“There”, Iruka whispered.
“Hm?” Kakashi blinked in confusion.
“You’re smiling.” He gave him a quick peck. “Looks nice. And it’s all mine.”
“Oh.” Kakashi hadn’t noticed. But then again, he so often did things around Iruka that surprised him. And that probably shouldn’t surprise him anymore.
“What about breakfast now?”, Iruka offered. “Apple pancakes?”
“Yes!” Apple pancakes!
“You look nice grinning, too.” Iruka laughed, but then suddenly broke off, grimaced and held his throat.
“Sorry!”, Kakashi immediately gasped. “Sorry!”
“It’s fine”, Iruka rasped. “I’ll just be more careful from now on.”
“I have salve in my vest”, the Jounin offered. “It lessens the pain from bruises.” And it was only for A-rank missions, by Tsunade’s order. But Iruka was more important than any mission for him and Tsunade… that old hag would either understand or could just go and leave him alone with her bitching.
“That would be nice.” Iruka smiled. “Does it also make them disappear?”
“No.” Kakashi shook his head. Making the bruises disappear wasn’t necessary to complete a mission.
“Hm. I’ll have to find something like a turtleneck for tomorrow then.” Iruka shrugged. “I haven’t seen them yet, but judging from your reaction right now, I probably won’t be able to pretend that they’re love bites.”
“I… guess not.” Kakashi looked at the huge, painful-looking bruises.
“How high up do they reach?”
“Up till here.” Kakashi carefully placed the very tip of his index finger a little bit under the Chuunin’s jaw.
“That high?” Iruka grimaced. “I don’t think any turtleneck can cover that. I’ll have to use a jutsu to disguise them then.”
“That will be hard”, Kakashi murmured. He knew that school for Iruka always lasted at least five if not eight hours. And then also mission desk duty. It would be hard to hold a jutsu concealing his whole neck for so long. For him, on the other hand, it would be easier. Not because he was a Jounin or had more chakra reserves but mostly because of… his…
“You could borrow one of my masks”, he offered.
“And then run around like a Kakashi-clone?” Iruka arched an eyebrow. “That’s so much less likely to cause questions than the bruises.”
“I didn’t mean to hide your face.” Kakashi pouted. “I meant to hide your neck. You could say that you have a sore throat and need to keep it warm.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t nice to make fun of you.” Iruka gave him an apologetic kiss. “Thank you for the offer, I will definitely give it a try. And you’re cute when you pout.”
“‘Cute’?!”, Kakashi gasped incredulously. Now that was something nobody had ever said to him.
“Definitely.” Iruka grinned. “I’m so happy that you won’t wear the mask around me anymore. There’s so much about you I want to see.” He gave him another kiss. “Show me?”
“I want that”, Kakashi whispered.
----- ----- -----
“Been a little rough, Kakashi?”
The Jounin jumped guiltily and whirled around to Genma. Had the Special Jounin noticed something on Iruka? Had he seen through the mask on his chin and their trick?
“Iruka doesn’t seem to mind though…” Genma leered.
“He… he said that he’s not angry”, Kakashi assured.
“Not angry indeed…” The leer intensified. “He seems to like it when you mark him. Looks rather happy with your mask if you ask me…”
Kakashi blinked confusedly and looked back at Iruka. And indeed the Chuunin was right at that moment tugging at the cloth around his neck before he pulled it over his nose and down to his chin again, smiling softly. Kakashi had seen him do that every couple of minutes while he had been teaching and in the mission room, the Jounin following him everywhere. Only to make sure that he wouldn’t overstrain himself, that was. Really.
“Keep making him smile like that.” Genma patted his shoulder and turned to leave.
“Genma?”
“Hm?” The Special Jounin stopped. “What is it?”
Kakashi still looked at Iruka, at how the Chuunin was smiling softly whenever he smelled at the mask. “What… How does it feel to be in love?”, he asked and turned around.
Genma smiled softly. “There’s nothing you can compare with it. It feels like… like… I can’t explain it.”
“Oh.” Kakashi sighed disappointedly.
“Love…” Genma frowned a little. “Love makes you strong. And it makes you want to use that strength to do whatever your beloved wants or needs.” He shrugged. “I can’t explain it better.”
“M-hm…” Iruka was making him stronger, Kakashi knew that. Iruka made him stronger by giving him enough calmness to sleep. And he wanted to use this strength to do whatever Iruka wanted or needed.
There was only one thing. He would also use all his new strength to do whatever his village or Tsunade wanted him to do. And he was very, very, very-very sure that he didn’t love the Sannin. So what did that mean?
“This is so complicated”, Kakashi murmured. “Why can’t this be easier to understand?”
----- ----- -----
“Kakashi!”
The Jounin all but flew towards his boyfriend at hearing the concern in his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Get me the empty laundry basket and at least two blankets”, Iruka told him hastily. “And set water to boil for a hot-water bottle.” He turned around to the Copy-nin, revealing Bull sitting behind him and Pakkun lying in his arms.
“Pakkun!”, Kakashi gasped. The little pug looked sweaty and feverish, his breathing was shallow and his eyes were glazed over, not focusing on anything.
“I think he got sick after he went out with Bull to get us groceries and got soaked.” Iruka carefully cradled the small dog in his arms. “I guess he’s got the flu but maybe it’s even pneumonia.” He looked up, his eyes wide with worry and making Kakashi feel drawn close instantly. “Please help me get him warm and then we’ll take him to Tsunade-sama.”
-----
“He’s waking up”, Iruka whispered.
“Pakkun.” Kakashi carefully put a thermometer into the dog’s mouth. “Don’t panic, okay? You’re with us. We’ll take care of you.”
Pakkun mumbled something.
“You’ve got the flu”, Iruka told him softly. “But it’s already getting better. Your temperature is lower than yesterday.”
“You never get sick, hm?”, Kakashi murmured. “Next time do as Iruka tells you.”
Pakkun sighed in a way that sounded as if he was agreeing.
-----
“I really think Tsunade-sama said chicken soup…” Kakashi arched an eyebrow, suppressing a smirk.
“Are you sure?” Iruka looked at him, smiling softly. “I could swear she said beef soup.”
“Beev soub”, Pakkun agreed. “Definidly. Wid mudch beev in id.”
“Maybe she said chicken and beef soup?”, Iruka offered.
“Dchicken an’ beev soub.” Pakkun nodded.
-----
“You’re completely fine again already.” Kakashi glared.
“Am nod.” Pakkun glared back.
“You are. You’re eating normally, you have no fever anymore, you’re walking around and all that. Only thing is the way you speak. And that’s faked.” To get more of Iruka’s attention. Attention that belonged to him.
“Am sdill sick.” The pug huffed.
“Are not.”
“Am doo.”
“Are not.”
“So am.”
Kakashi narrowed his eyes at the annoying dog. “Get your hairy butt back to your pack or I tell Iruka you’re faking being sick to leech off of him.”
“You wouldn’t”, Pakkun growled.
“I will.” Kakashi smirked. “And he won’t be happy with you then.”
Pakkun scowled more, brain obviously working furiously. “Fine”, he hissed finally. “Cheapskate.” He bamphed away.
“Oh, Pakkun’s gone already?”
Kakashi jumped and turned around to his boyfriend. “Felt all better.”
“Ah…” Iruka arched an eyebrow.
“Very much better”, Kakashi assured.
“Is that so…”
“Yes.” He felt sweat building at the back of his neck.
“Did it have anything to do with the apple pancakes waiting in the kitchen?” Iruka tilted his head. “And with the fact that I didn’t have many apples left and had to make less than usual?”
“No?”
----- ----- -----
“And yet another scar”, Iruka sighed and carefully moved his fingers over the angry red line on his chest.
“It doesn’t look bad”, Kakashi assured while he threw away the bandages. “It’s a clean cut.” He had much worse-looking scars.
“You’re right.” Iruka turned his head to him and smiled softly. “I’m not bothered by how it looks, I just… It’s another reminder of how easy it is to die…”
“I won’t let you die”, Kakashi whispered and embraced him tightly. Never. He just wouldn’t allow it.
“I know.” Iruka smiled, the scar over his nose crinkling.
“Where did you get that one?” Kakashi carefully followed it with a fingertip. “Only if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t.” Iruka scrunched up his nose under the Jounin’s caress, chuckling. “I got it when I defeated my first S-ranked criminal.”
“Impressive.” Kakashi nuzzled his neck.
“I was five”, Iruka told him.
“What?!” The Copy-nin stared at him wide-eyed.
Iruka grinned smugly. “Ha, now you’re impressed, aren’t you?”
“How did you do that?” Even he hadn’t had to fight against an S-criminal before the age of eight.
“Well…” Iruka winked at him. “I already told you that both my parents were Jounin. And therefore, they had quite some people holding a grudge against them.”
“I can imagine that”, Kakashi whispered.
“One day, when I was playing in our garden, a man suddenly came out of nowhere and grabbed me.” Iruka sighed and snuggled into the Jounin’s chest. “He was a Konoha shinobi but a traitor, obviously. The ANBU later found out that he’d been paid by a feudal lord from Water to kill me to take revenge on my father for stealing something from him as a mission.”
“What happened?”
“The man held me in front of his chest, one hand around my neck and the other arm around my waist. He yelled towards our house for my father to come out and then, when my parents had run out into the garden, he told them that he would kill me in front of their eyes. And then he let go of my neck and drew a knife and slowly dragged it over my face. It hurt like hell.” Iruka sighed again. “I was screaming and fighting and crying but it didn’t help. And I could see my parents’ faces. They had never before looked so terrified.”
Kakashi just tightened his hold. The thought that he could lose Iruka terrified him, too, but he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much worse it would be if Iruka had been his tiny, vulnerable, defenseless five-year-old son.
“I could barely see anything because of the pain, but I saw tears running over my mother’s face”, Iruka whispered. “And the man started to laugh. And then I got so angry suddenly. He was hurting my mommy and nobody was allowed to do that. I tried to get free but he had my arms in his hold around my waist, and so I only could use my legs.” The Chuunin lifted his head and smirked at Kakashi. “And I did.”
“What did you do?”
“I kicked him.” Iruka’s smirk became cruel. “And I hit a place that really hurt. And then I managed to free one arm and punched my elbow into his chest. And when he let go of me, I bit him in his hand. And then I kicked him again, against his shin this time. And then in his side when he lay on the ground. And I pulled at his hair.”
“And he didn’t fight back?”, Kakashi asked incredulously.
“Well…” Iruka bit his lip and looked at him impishly. “After my first kick hit and distracted him, my father and mother attacked, too, and they managed to hold him down while I… continued. I highly doubt that any hit apart from the first kick into his treasures really fazed that bastard, but I was five and hurting and angry because he had made my mommy sad.”
Kakashi chuckled. “I can almost see that…” A smaller, very much smaller version of Iruka with his face scrunched up in anger unleashing his wrath. The Jounin decided to leave the cut and the blood out of his imagination.
“Don’t you dare to say that I didn’t defeat him.” Iruka pouted. “Because I did.”
“Yes, you did.” Kakashi gave him a small kiss.
“I so did.” Iruka kissed back.
“I like this scar”, Kakashi whispered and kissed the Chuunin’s nose. “I would have preferred you not getting hurt, but it’s not a bad scar.” Like his were.
“M-hmm…” Iruka sighed. “It hurt like hell though. All the time while my mother cleaned and bandaged it, I was wailing. But she kept saying that it was okay to cry because I had been so brave before. And my father told me that he’d never been more proud of me. And then they took me to Sandaime-sama and told him about everything, and he said that he was very proud, too, and that I would one day become a very good shinobi.”
“You are”, Kakashi whispered. “But you are an even better human.”
“That’s easy.” Iruka chuckled. “You just have to always, always and always try to protect those precious to you. With everything you have.”
“I will.” Kakashi kissed him. Always, always and always.
----- ----- -----
Kakashi hopped happily up onto the tree in front of Iruka’s apartment. He’d found delicious-looking cherries at the market. For Iruka. Cherries for Iruka. To eat them and then smile and be happy. And then kiss him, yes, then ki-
Oh? But there was noise in the apartment. Loud noise. And voices. Two voices, no, three. Iruka and… Raidou maybe… and that third person… probably somebody in the radio from the sound of it.
Slowly, Kakashi reached out towards the window, seeing two persons moving behind the thick curtains, then pulled the window open. Immediately, the noise increased and turned out to be loud music with much guitars and drums. He frowned. That was really very loud. Iruka usually preferred low music in the background. But however… Shrugging, the Copy-nin jumped through the window and the fishnet curtains, then froze when he caught sight of what was going on inside the apartment.
As did Iruka and Raidou.
Iruka was standing on his left foot, the right one in the air and his left arm thrown over his head. His right hand held a large kitchen spoon in front of his mouth. Raidou was kneeling on the floor, back bent backwards and both hands in front of his chest in a weird position as if he was holding something made out of thin air.
All three shinobi stared at each other for a couple of moments.
“Ka… Kakashi…”, Iruka murmured, only to be seen by the movement of his lips. Then he hastily put his foot back to the ground and hid the spoon behind his back before he hurried over to the CD-player and switched it off. “Hi?”
Kakashi just kept staring.
“We… we were just…” Iruka blushed softly. “You know… we were…”
“Erm… I…” Raidou quickly scrambled to his feet. “I have… something to do. Bye.” His face beet-red, he ran out of the apartment.
“Wha…” Kakashi still stared at Iruka. “What were… you doing?”
“We were…” The Chuunin blushed a little more but took the spoon back from behind his back. “We were singing a little…”
“Singing?” Kakashi blinked. “That noise I heard?”
“Hey!” Iruka glared at him. “That wasn’t noise! I bet I can sing better than you!” He pouted.
“But… why were you singing?” Instead of pouting. Iruka pouting looked so nice… so kissable… maybe he could…
“It’s fun.” Iruka pouted deeper.
Kakashi forcefully blinked out of his staring. “And what was Raidou doing on the floor?” It had looked painful…
“He was playing air guitar.”
“Air guitar?”
“Air guitar.”
Kakashi tried to grasp the concept but failed spectacularly. “You need to explain that to me.”
“I don’t think I want that.” Iruka glared again. “You’re not being nice, you know…”
“Please…” Kakashi made a step towards him, then remembered the paper bag in his hand. “Cherries?”, he offered hopefully.
“You’re trying to bribe me?” Iruka arched an eyebrow but his eyes were glued to the bag.
“I’m trying to placate you.” Kakashi smiled softly, knowing that it wouldn’t stop at trying.
“Hrn.” The Chuunin went over to him and snatched the bag out of his hand. “You don’t know how to play air guitar?”
“No.”
“Poor Kakashi.” Iruka gently pulled down his mask and slipped a cherry into the Jounin’s mouth. “It’s fun.”
“’m still learmim’ how to have fum”, Kakashi mumbled, chewing. “Teach me everything there is, sensei. Can I play air drums, too? Or air keyboard?”
Iruka laughed. “I’m sure you could.”
----- ----- -----
Kakashi had always thought that the deaths of those he’d allowed to come close would be the worst, the most frightening thing he’d ever seen. He’d always thought that no sight but their battered, lifeless bodies would be what would haunt and hurt him most.
He’d revised that belief the moment he’d realised that Iruka, too, was mortal. Now the thought that he could lose the Chuunin was frightening him even more, the image in his head that one day he could be kneeling next to Iruka’s dead body was even less bearable than the memories.
But that sunny day of Konoha’s autumn, that innocent, bright, perfect day, Kakashi saw something that was just as terrifying.
-----
“Iru-” Kakashi choked on his own breath and barely managed to pull his body onto the windowsill of the Chuunin’s apartment. “Iruka?” Damn, it hurt. But how could it not, when you felt your whole world crumbling, your hope dying?
“Yes?” His boyfriend looked at him from the kitchen, then jumped and immediately hurried towards him. “Kakashi! You look awful! What happened to you?”
“I… you…” The Jounin swallowed hard, painfully. “You have to… you have to leave me.” Oh, and it hurt so much.
“I have to…” Iruka’s eyes widened. “Why?”
“You… you have to…” Breathing hurt, was almost impossible. “I can’t… I can’t give you… a child…” And Iruka wanted a child, he was sure about that. And he couldn’t give birth to one. But Iruka wanted one. And that’s why he had to leave him and-
“A child? Kakashi, what are you talking about?”
-because Iruka was made for having children and for raising them. Other than him. He wasn’t good with children, especially not with small children. He would certainly squash them between his fingers, those fingers of a killer, an assassin, a-
“Kakashi?”
-so Iruka should have children, many children, and then give them all the love he had. Instead of giving it to him. It was wasted if the Chuunin gave it to him because he could never be everything that Iruka wanted, could never give him what he wanted most, not like that woman he’d seen, that pregnant woman who’d looked so happy and whose husband had looked so happy, too, and who would be able to-
“Kakashi.”
-like he never would, no matter how many jutsus he would ever copy, how famous or feared he would ever become. And that was why he had to give Iruka his freedom back and the chance to find happiness in a family although it killed him and-
“Kakashi!” And suddenly he felt hands gripping and shaking him.
“Iruka…” He didn’t know what to say anymore. He could just hope that Iruka would allow him to take a last look at him with his Sharingan eye to at least have the memory of him.
“Kakashi…” The Chuunin sighed. “You’re thinking too low of yourself again. And you’re misjudging my wishes again. And you’re…” He smiled softly. “You’re so very you again.”
“But… I can’t…”
“I have children already.” Iruka tenderly embraced him and carefully pulled at his body until he climbed down from the windowsill. “Didn’t you know that? Half of Konoha’s younger generation were my students at the Academy. They’re my children.”
“That’s not the same…” Kakashi sniffled but couldn’t restrain himself from clutching Iruka to his chest. He knew he needed this warmth desperately by now, but he was willing to let Iruka go regardless if only it made the Chuunin happy.
“They’re all the children I need. Especially Naruto.” A soft, soothing kiss was placed on his temple.
“But they’re not your own…”
“I don’t need children of my own. Naruto will always be the closest I have to a son or maybe a younger brother. And that’s all I need. If only I have you, too.” Iruka started walking backwards slowly, drawing the Jounin with him.
“But… but don’t you want…”
“I want you, Kakashi. Only you.” Iruka lifted his head until they could look at each other. “Don’t worry that I would leave you, Kakashi”, he whispered softly before he sat down on the couch behind him, his arms still around the Copy-nin’s neck. “I only want you.”
“Really?” Kakashi climbed up onto the couch and settled down in the Chuunin’s lap. It felt a little weird to sit like that but at least he could be close to Iruka. Oh, and Iruka wouldn’t be able to stand up and leave like this, even if he wanted to. Sitting in Iruka’s lap was the best kind of sitting ever!
“Yes, really.” The Chuunin smiled at him.
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise, Kakashi.”
“Thank you…” The Jounin sighed deeply.
A chuckle. “Thank you, too.”
“We could…” Kakashi sniffled softly. “We could have… a pet…” He could stand that, he supposed. If only it made Iruka happy and stay with him.
Iruka laughed. “Oh my… Kakashi!”
“Not?” He looked up at him unsurely.
“If anything, I actually expected you to suggest adopting a child.” Iruka smirked.
The Copy-nin frowned. “Oh. I didn’t think of that…”
“Obviously.” Iruka shook his head and kissed his temple. “A pet, hm?”
“But no cat. Pakkun wouldn’t like that.” And that would turn out ugly.
“No cat, alright.” Iruka grinned. “And no dog either, I guess. Don’t want Pakkun to feel being replaced.”
“No.” Kakashi wrapped his arms around the Chuunin’s neck. “And no fishes. Fishes are boring.”
“They are.” Iruka nodded. “As are hamsters and guinea pigs and such. And I can’t really stand birds. And snakes or spiders are far, far, far out of the discussion.”
“What else then?” Mmmh… Soo nice to sit like this. He could snuggle his face into Iruka’s neck.
“I have not the slightest idea.” Two arms wrapped around his waist, holding him protectively. “But I don’t really need a pet, you know.” A snigger. “I have you.”
“That’s mean.” Kakashi pouted but refused to lift his head.
“I meant to play and spend my time with”, Iruka assured.
“Sure…” Mean Iruka. And as punishment, he would refuse to get up from his lap for the next… two hours or so. That would teach him!
----- ----- -----
“Gai.” Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. “Gai.”
Konoha’s beautiful Green Beast kept wailing.
“Gai.”
“I didn’t mean to do this to him…” Iruka looked shocked, sad, confused - so many things Kakashi didn’t like to see.
“It’s not your fault. He’s always like this at our non-combat challenges.”
“But… but he’s crying.” Iruka looked at Gai miserably. “If I had known that he would react like this, I would have-”
“No”, Kakashi interrupted him. “Losing on purpose would have been much worse if he ever found out.” He gently embraced his boyfriend. “It’s not your fault, he’s always this… dramatic.”
“But it’s been only a cookie-baking contest.” Iruka looked at him, his eyes wide in confusion. “And he suggested it.”
Kakashi wanted to kiss him.
“If I had known that he couldn’t really bake cookies, I would have never asked to participate.” Iruka bit his lower lip. “I just… I just wanted to be part of something you do…”
Kakashi decided that resistance was futile, if not stupid. So he kissed him.
“Marvelous Love!”
Kakashi groaned. “Back with us, Gai?”
“I am!” The Green Beast beamed at him. “And now that I see this Splendid Display of Love, I realise how unyouthful it was to mourn over a lost contest! I shall now cheer for your Magnificent Luck at finding True Love with Gentle Iruka-sensei!”
“You’re not sad anymore, Gai-sensei?”, Iruka asked, smiling softly.
“How could I be sad?! I lost to a Worthy Opponent who was Inspired by the Beauty of Love!” Gai pointed at the four cookies the Chuunin had made. “This is True Love!”
Kakashi smiled at the sight once again. Iruka had done wonders with the dough. He’d really managed to form and decorate cookies looking like Gai, Pakkun, him and the Copy-nin. And the Iruka-cookie and the Kakashi-cookie were kissing.
“You can have the cookie looking like you, Gai-sensei”, Iruka offered. “I made one for each of us since Pakkun will come over this evening.”
“I shall Honour it!” The Jounin carefully took the green cookie.
“Better eat it”, Iruka chuckled. “They’re best when still warm.”
“I will first show it to my Cute and Youthful Students!”, Gai declared. “To show them the Beauty of Love!”
“I’m sure they’ll be delighted, especially Neji-kun”, Iruka murmured softly while he watched him storm out of the apartment, then he slowly lifted the cookie-pair from the kitchen table and looked at his boyfriend. “Bite me?”, he whispered, smirking.
“You really like to bake, don’t you?”, Kakashi asked while he pulled down his mask and nibbled at the Iruka-cookie’s feet, then carefully took the double-cookie and placed it back on the table. Next to his and Gai’s pitiful attempts at baking without help.
“It’s calming.” Iruka snuggled his head into his chest. “Just as cooking. I like to work with my hands and to produce something, especially if it makes others happy.”
“Like apple pancakes?”, Kakashi tried. Because that would make him very much happy.
“You’re so greedy”, Iruka sniggered. “Wait until Pakkun’s here, then I’ll make some for both of you.”
“I think I’ll try more of the cookie then. Pity you don’t have a fireplace, by the way.”
“Hm?” Iruka frowned. “Why that?”
Kakashi held one of his very black cookies up and earned himself a laugh and a kiss and the promise of more lessons in baking.
----- ----- -----
tbc
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nayru
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: KakashixIruka
Rating: T for now, will go up
Summary: Kakashi had never been anything else than what had been expected of him. And nobody had ever expected him to be human. So how could Iruka even want to be near him? How could he say he loved him?
Spoilers: Spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden and very slight ones for the events before the time-skip.
Status: Chapter 9 of 15(?)
Disclaimer: Don’t own.
Teach Me To Love You
by nayru_kleinefee
Chapter 9 - Air guitar?
Kakashi woke when something right changed to something wrong. Without noticing what he was doing exactly, he rolled to his side and blindly reached out to grab Iruka around his waist and pull him back into the bed before he could stand up. And then everything was right again.
“I only wanted to get a glass of water”, the Chuunin whispered. “I didn’t intend to go away for long.”
“Don’t leave”, Kakashi pleaded and tightened his hold.
“I won’t leave.” A gentle hand stroked over his cheek, making him flinch at the foreign touch on his bare skin.
He tried hard but couldn’t stop the memories from coming back. And he felt naked, had never before felt so naked. Everything inside him was stripped bare to Iruka’s eyes now, he would do anything Iruka would ask from him, tell him everything and do whatever he wanted. He was weak and powerless against the Chuunin, even if it would probably only last for a little while to this extend, but he was and still it felt right to him, and even safe. And that was frightening, even if it also felt good somehow, calming, right. He didn’t understand all of this… this thing that was happening to him but still he didn’t care. Because it was Iruka who was with him, Iruka who held him in his arms. He heard a little whimper escape his lips and dragged the Chuunin closer to his chest, trying to assure himself that he was there, still there, and wouldn’t leave.
“It’s fine”, Iruka told him softly and stroked over his hair. “I won’t go anywhere.”
“Your students…”, Kakashi murmured when he remembered that the Chuunin had been planning to go back to teaching that day. But he didn’t want it, he didn’t want to have to let go.
“They’ll have to cope with a substitute for another day. I don’t intend to go anywhere today.”
“Thank you…” He slowly, hesitantly opened his right eye, then lifted his head to look at Iruka. He flinched once again when he saw that the bruises from his hand on the Chuunin’s neck had an angry purple-black colour.
“I’m sure it looks worse than it feels”, Iruka assured and smiled softly, but now that he was more awake, Kakashi could hear that his voice was hoarse and strained.
“I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes in shame. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
“It’s alright.” Iruka kissed his forehead. “I’ve had worse.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Iruka. I never want to hurt you and-”
“I forgive you, Kakashi.”
“But…” Kakashi shook his head. “But I hurt you. I didn’t want that, I never wanted to hurt you. I know that you can’t forgive me but-”
“Shh.” The Chuunin placed a finger on his lips. “I’m not made of glass, Kakashi. I’ve been on eleven A-rank missions and countless B-, C- and D-ranks. I’ve even got a giant shuriken in my back once. What you did yesterday is something I can forgive you easily. Because you didn’t intend to hurt me.”
“I’m sorry”, Kakashi whispered but finally allowed himself to believe that he indeed was forgiven. But still… “Did you cry?”
“Because of these?” Iruka smiled softly. “No.”
“But…” He sighed sadly. “Don’t I always make you cry? Like… like yesterday and when I thought I didn’t want you to hug me and when I didn’t understand that you loved me at first and when I didn’t make that woman go away.” And he’d done it again, he’d again hurt his Chuunin.
“It wasn’t your fault, Kakashi”, Iruka whispered tenderly. “And even if it was, I wouldn’t mind to cry because I love you.” He chuckled. “That’s the reason why I cry even, and the reason why I don’t mind, too. I love you and I care about you and that’s why I sometimes cry when I think that you’re hurt or that you’re going to leave me. Love makes me do stupid things and feel so much it’s sometimes nearly too much and still not mind that at all.”
“I…” Kakashi swallowed hard. “I… I want that, too. All of that.” Although it still frightened him. But if Iruka felt that way, then he wanted to feel the same towards him.
“I’ll help you.” The Chuunin smiled softly.
“Please.” Kakashi slowly lifted his hand and carefully touched the bruises on his neck. “Does it hurt much?”
“I won’t try to lie to you”, Iruka said. “It hurts quite a lot, kind of throbs. But I had worse, really.”
“Okay.” Somehow, Iruka telling him the truth and not trying to comfort him with lies made it easier to bear, at least a little.
“Do you hurt still?”, Iruka asked softly.
“I don’t know.” Kakashi tightened his hold around the Chuunin’s waist. “Yes.” But less than the day before. Less than the years and years before. Before Iruka.
“Nothing of what happened to your father was your fault”, Iruka whispered. “You were just a child.”
Kakashi shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it. Deep, deep inside himself, he knew that Iruka was right, had maybe always known it. But it had been easier to just accept it, to just take the stares and whispers and loathing directed at him as rightful, had been easier to stop feeling, to stop hurting. Had been easier to become an emotionless shell with more than one mask, just as his father had always preached. At least he had done what had been expected from him like that.
“Stop looking like that”, Iruka told him softly and smiled when Kakashi looked up at him. “Smile at me. I’ve always wanted to see how you smile.”
“Okay.” Kakashi did as told.
“Not like that.” Iruka chuckled. “You look as if you just ate something really nasty and now try not to show.”
“Sorry”, Kakashi murmured.
“Don’t worry.” Iruka stroked over his cheek. “I’ll make you smile soon. But first…” He leaned forward, grinning. “I want you to kiss me.”
Kakashi nodded, then complied and as always noticed that kissing Iruka seemed to warm him from the inside like nothing else ever had. And this time it was even better, even more intense than before, because he felt himself do something he’d never done before: He trusted completely.
“There”, Iruka whispered.
“Hm?” Kakashi blinked in confusion.
“You’re smiling.” He gave him a quick peck. “Looks nice. And it’s all mine.”
“Oh.” Kakashi hadn’t noticed. But then again, he so often did things around Iruka that surprised him. And that probably shouldn’t surprise him anymore.
“What about breakfast now?”, Iruka offered. “Apple pancakes?”
“Yes!” Apple pancakes!
“You look nice grinning, too.” Iruka laughed, but then suddenly broke off, grimaced and held his throat.
“Sorry!”, Kakashi immediately gasped. “Sorry!”
“It’s fine”, Iruka rasped. “I’ll just be more careful from now on.”
“I have salve in my vest”, the Jounin offered. “It lessens the pain from bruises.” And it was only for A-rank missions, by Tsunade’s order. But Iruka was more important than any mission for him and Tsunade… that old hag would either understand or could just go and leave him alone with her bitching.
“That would be nice.” Iruka smiled. “Does it also make them disappear?”
“No.” Kakashi shook his head. Making the bruises disappear wasn’t necessary to complete a mission.
“Hm. I’ll have to find something like a turtleneck for tomorrow then.” Iruka shrugged. “I haven’t seen them yet, but judging from your reaction right now, I probably won’t be able to pretend that they’re love bites.”
“I… guess not.” Kakashi looked at the huge, painful-looking bruises.
“How high up do they reach?”
“Up till here.” Kakashi carefully placed the very tip of his index finger a little bit under the Chuunin’s jaw.
“That high?” Iruka grimaced. “I don’t think any turtleneck can cover that. I’ll have to use a jutsu to disguise them then.”
“That will be hard”, Kakashi murmured. He knew that school for Iruka always lasted at least five if not eight hours. And then also mission desk duty. It would be hard to hold a jutsu concealing his whole neck for so long. For him, on the other hand, it would be easier. Not because he was a Jounin or had more chakra reserves but mostly because of… his…
“You could borrow one of my masks”, he offered.
“And then run around like a Kakashi-clone?” Iruka arched an eyebrow. “That’s so much less likely to cause questions than the bruises.”
“I didn’t mean to hide your face.” Kakashi pouted. “I meant to hide your neck. You could say that you have a sore throat and need to keep it warm.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t nice to make fun of you.” Iruka gave him an apologetic kiss. “Thank you for the offer, I will definitely give it a try. And you’re cute when you pout.”
“‘Cute’?!”, Kakashi gasped incredulously. Now that was something nobody had ever said to him.
“Definitely.” Iruka grinned. “I’m so happy that you won’t wear the mask around me anymore. There’s so much about you I want to see.” He gave him another kiss. “Show me?”
“I want that”, Kakashi whispered.
----- ----- -----
“Been a little rough, Kakashi?”
The Jounin jumped guiltily and whirled around to Genma. Had the Special Jounin noticed something on Iruka? Had he seen through the mask on his chin and their trick?
“Iruka doesn’t seem to mind though…” Genma leered.
“He… he said that he’s not angry”, Kakashi assured.
“Not angry indeed…” The leer intensified. “He seems to like it when you mark him. Looks rather happy with your mask if you ask me…”
Kakashi blinked confusedly and looked back at Iruka. And indeed the Chuunin was right at that moment tugging at the cloth around his neck before he pulled it over his nose and down to his chin again, smiling softly. Kakashi had seen him do that every couple of minutes while he had been teaching and in the mission room, the Jounin following him everywhere. Only to make sure that he wouldn’t overstrain himself, that was. Really.
“Keep making him smile like that.” Genma patted his shoulder and turned to leave.
“Genma?”
“Hm?” The Special Jounin stopped. “What is it?”
Kakashi still looked at Iruka, at how the Chuunin was smiling softly whenever he smelled at the mask. “What… How does it feel to be in love?”, he asked and turned around.
Genma smiled softly. “There’s nothing you can compare with it. It feels like… like… I can’t explain it.”
“Oh.” Kakashi sighed disappointedly.
“Love…” Genma frowned a little. “Love makes you strong. And it makes you want to use that strength to do whatever your beloved wants or needs.” He shrugged. “I can’t explain it better.”
“M-hm…” Iruka was making him stronger, Kakashi knew that. Iruka made him stronger by giving him enough calmness to sleep. And he wanted to use this strength to do whatever Iruka wanted or needed.
There was only one thing. He would also use all his new strength to do whatever his village or Tsunade wanted him to do. And he was very, very, very-very sure that he didn’t love the Sannin. So what did that mean?
“This is so complicated”, Kakashi murmured. “Why can’t this be easier to understand?”
----- ----- -----
“Kakashi!”
The Jounin all but flew towards his boyfriend at hearing the concern in his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Get me the empty laundry basket and at least two blankets”, Iruka told him hastily. “And set water to boil for a hot-water bottle.” He turned around to the Copy-nin, revealing Bull sitting behind him and Pakkun lying in his arms.
“Pakkun!”, Kakashi gasped. The little pug looked sweaty and feverish, his breathing was shallow and his eyes were glazed over, not focusing on anything.
“I think he got sick after he went out with Bull to get us groceries and got soaked.” Iruka carefully cradled the small dog in his arms. “I guess he’s got the flu but maybe it’s even pneumonia.” He looked up, his eyes wide with worry and making Kakashi feel drawn close instantly. “Please help me get him warm and then we’ll take him to Tsunade-sama.”
-----
“He’s waking up”, Iruka whispered.
“Pakkun.” Kakashi carefully put a thermometer into the dog’s mouth. “Don’t panic, okay? You’re with us. We’ll take care of you.”
Pakkun mumbled something.
“You’ve got the flu”, Iruka told him softly. “But it’s already getting better. Your temperature is lower than yesterday.”
“You never get sick, hm?”, Kakashi murmured. “Next time do as Iruka tells you.”
Pakkun sighed in a way that sounded as if he was agreeing.
-----
“I really think Tsunade-sama said chicken soup…” Kakashi arched an eyebrow, suppressing a smirk.
“Are you sure?” Iruka looked at him, smiling softly. “I could swear she said beef soup.”
“Beev soub”, Pakkun agreed. “Definidly. Wid mudch beev in id.”
“Maybe she said chicken and beef soup?”, Iruka offered.
“Dchicken an’ beev soub.” Pakkun nodded.
-----
“You’re completely fine again already.” Kakashi glared.
“Am nod.” Pakkun glared back.
“You are. You’re eating normally, you have no fever anymore, you’re walking around and all that. Only thing is the way you speak. And that’s faked.” To get more of Iruka’s attention. Attention that belonged to him.
“Am sdill sick.” The pug huffed.
“Are not.”
“Am doo.”
“Are not.”
“So am.”
Kakashi narrowed his eyes at the annoying dog. “Get your hairy butt back to your pack or I tell Iruka you’re faking being sick to leech off of him.”
“You wouldn’t”, Pakkun growled.
“I will.” Kakashi smirked. “And he won’t be happy with you then.”
Pakkun scowled more, brain obviously working furiously. “Fine”, he hissed finally. “Cheapskate.” He bamphed away.
“Oh, Pakkun’s gone already?”
Kakashi jumped and turned around to his boyfriend. “Felt all better.”
“Ah…” Iruka arched an eyebrow.
“Very much better”, Kakashi assured.
“Is that so…”
“Yes.” He felt sweat building at the back of his neck.
“Did it have anything to do with the apple pancakes waiting in the kitchen?” Iruka tilted his head. “And with the fact that I didn’t have many apples left and had to make less than usual?”
“No?”
----- ----- -----
“And yet another scar”, Iruka sighed and carefully moved his fingers over the angry red line on his chest.
“It doesn’t look bad”, Kakashi assured while he threw away the bandages. “It’s a clean cut.” He had much worse-looking scars.
“You’re right.” Iruka turned his head to him and smiled softly. “I’m not bothered by how it looks, I just… It’s another reminder of how easy it is to die…”
“I won’t let you die”, Kakashi whispered and embraced him tightly. Never. He just wouldn’t allow it.
“I know.” Iruka smiled, the scar over his nose crinkling.
“Where did you get that one?” Kakashi carefully followed it with a fingertip. “Only if you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t.” Iruka scrunched up his nose under the Jounin’s caress, chuckling. “I got it when I defeated my first S-ranked criminal.”
“Impressive.” Kakashi nuzzled his neck.
“I was five”, Iruka told him.
“What?!” The Copy-nin stared at him wide-eyed.
Iruka grinned smugly. “Ha, now you’re impressed, aren’t you?”
“How did you do that?” Even he hadn’t had to fight against an S-criminal before the age of eight.
“Well…” Iruka winked at him. “I already told you that both my parents were Jounin. And therefore, they had quite some people holding a grudge against them.”
“I can imagine that”, Kakashi whispered.
“One day, when I was playing in our garden, a man suddenly came out of nowhere and grabbed me.” Iruka sighed and snuggled into the Jounin’s chest. “He was a Konoha shinobi but a traitor, obviously. The ANBU later found out that he’d been paid by a feudal lord from Water to kill me to take revenge on my father for stealing something from him as a mission.”
“What happened?”
“The man held me in front of his chest, one hand around my neck and the other arm around my waist. He yelled towards our house for my father to come out and then, when my parents had run out into the garden, he told them that he would kill me in front of their eyes. And then he let go of my neck and drew a knife and slowly dragged it over my face. It hurt like hell.” Iruka sighed again. “I was screaming and fighting and crying but it didn’t help. And I could see my parents’ faces. They had never before looked so terrified.”
Kakashi just tightened his hold. The thought that he could lose Iruka terrified him, too, but he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much worse it would be if Iruka had been his tiny, vulnerable, defenseless five-year-old son.
“I could barely see anything because of the pain, but I saw tears running over my mother’s face”, Iruka whispered. “And the man started to laugh. And then I got so angry suddenly. He was hurting my mommy and nobody was allowed to do that. I tried to get free but he had my arms in his hold around my waist, and so I only could use my legs.” The Chuunin lifted his head and smirked at Kakashi. “And I did.”
“What did you do?”
“I kicked him.” Iruka’s smirk became cruel. “And I hit a place that really hurt. And then I managed to free one arm and punched my elbow into his chest. And when he let go of me, I bit him in his hand. And then I kicked him again, against his shin this time. And then in his side when he lay on the ground. And I pulled at his hair.”
“And he didn’t fight back?”, Kakashi asked incredulously.
“Well…” Iruka bit his lip and looked at him impishly. “After my first kick hit and distracted him, my father and mother attacked, too, and they managed to hold him down while I… continued. I highly doubt that any hit apart from the first kick into his treasures really fazed that bastard, but I was five and hurting and angry because he had made my mommy sad.”
Kakashi chuckled. “I can almost see that…” A smaller, very much smaller version of Iruka with his face scrunched up in anger unleashing his wrath. The Jounin decided to leave the cut and the blood out of his imagination.
“Don’t you dare to say that I didn’t defeat him.” Iruka pouted. “Because I did.”
“Yes, you did.” Kakashi gave him a small kiss.
“I so did.” Iruka kissed back.
“I like this scar”, Kakashi whispered and kissed the Chuunin’s nose. “I would have preferred you not getting hurt, but it’s not a bad scar.” Like his were.
“M-hmm…” Iruka sighed. “It hurt like hell though. All the time while my mother cleaned and bandaged it, I was wailing. But she kept saying that it was okay to cry because I had been so brave before. And my father told me that he’d never been more proud of me. And then they took me to Sandaime-sama and told him about everything, and he said that he was very proud, too, and that I would one day become a very good shinobi.”
“You are”, Kakashi whispered. “But you are an even better human.”
“That’s easy.” Iruka chuckled. “You just have to always, always and always try to protect those precious to you. With everything you have.”
“I will.” Kakashi kissed him. Always, always and always.
----- ----- -----
Kakashi hopped happily up onto the tree in front of Iruka’s apartment. He’d found delicious-looking cherries at the market. For Iruka. Cherries for Iruka. To eat them and then smile and be happy. And then kiss him, yes, then ki-
Oh? But there was noise in the apartment. Loud noise. And voices. Two voices, no, three. Iruka and… Raidou maybe… and that third person… probably somebody in the radio from the sound of it.
Slowly, Kakashi reached out towards the window, seeing two persons moving behind the thick curtains, then pulled the window open. Immediately, the noise increased and turned out to be loud music with much guitars and drums. He frowned. That was really very loud. Iruka usually preferred low music in the background. But however… Shrugging, the Copy-nin jumped through the window and the fishnet curtains, then froze when he caught sight of what was going on inside the apartment.
As did Iruka and Raidou.
Iruka was standing on his left foot, the right one in the air and his left arm thrown over his head. His right hand held a large kitchen spoon in front of his mouth. Raidou was kneeling on the floor, back bent backwards and both hands in front of his chest in a weird position as if he was holding something made out of thin air.
All three shinobi stared at each other for a couple of moments.
“Ka… Kakashi…”, Iruka murmured, only to be seen by the movement of his lips. Then he hastily put his foot back to the ground and hid the spoon behind his back before he hurried over to the CD-player and switched it off. “Hi?”
Kakashi just kept staring.
“We… we were just…” Iruka blushed softly. “You know… we were…”
“Erm… I…” Raidou quickly scrambled to his feet. “I have… something to do. Bye.” His face beet-red, he ran out of the apartment.
“Wha…” Kakashi still stared at Iruka. “What were… you doing?”
“We were…” The Chuunin blushed a little more but took the spoon back from behind his back. “We were singing a little…”
“Singing?” Kakashi blinked. “That noise I heard?”
“Hey!” Iruka glared at him. “That wasn’t noise! I bet I can sing better than you!” He pouted.
“But… why were you singing?” Instead of pouting. Iruka pouting looked so nice… so kissable… maybe he could…
“It’s fun.” Iruka pouted deeper.
Kakashi forcefully blinked out of his staring. “And what was Raidou doing on the floor?” It had looked painful…
“He was playing air guitar.”
“Air guitar?”
“Air guitar.”
Kakashi tried to grasp the concept but failed spectacularly. “You need to explain that to me.”
“I don’t think I want that.” Iruka glared again. “You’re not being nice, you know…”
“Please…” Kakashi made a step towards him, then remembered the paper bag in his hand. “Cherries?”, he offered hopefully.
“You’re trying to bribe me?” Iruka arched an eyebrow but his eyes were glued to the bag.
“I’m trying to placate you.” Kakashi smiled softly, knowing that it wouldn’t stop at trying.
“Hrn.” The Chuunin went over to him and snatched the bag out of his hand. “You don’t know how to play air guitar?”
“No.”
“Poor Kakashi.” Iruka gently pulled down his mask and slipped a cherry into the Jounin’s mouth. “It’s fun.”
“’m still learmim’ how to have fum”, Kakashi mumbled, chewing. “Teach me everything there is, sensei. Can I play air drums, too? Or air keyboard?”
Iruka laughed. “I’m sure you could.”
----- ----- -----
Kakashi had always thought that the deaths of those he’d allowed to come close would be the worst, the most frightening thing he’d ever seen. He’d always thought that no sight but their battered, lifeless bodies would be what would haunt and hurt him most.
He’d revised that belief the moment he’d realised that Iruka, too, was mortal. Now the thought that he could lose the Chuunin was frightening him even more, the image in his head that one day he could be kneeling next to Iruka’s dead body was even less bearable than the memories.
But that sunny day of Konoha’s autumn, that innocent, bright, perfect day, Kakashi saw something that was just as terrifying.
-----
“Iru-” Kakashi choked on his own breath and barely managed to pull his body onto the windowsill of the Chuunin’s apartment. “Iruka?” Damn, it hurt. But how could it not, when you felt your whole world crumbling, your hope dying?
“Yes?” His boyfriend looked at him from the kitchen, then jumped and immediately hurried towards him. “Kakashi! You look awful! What happened to you?”
“I… you…” The Jounin swallowed hard, painfully. “You have to… you have to leave me.” Oh, and it hurt so much.
“I have to…” Iruka’s eyes widened. “Why?”
“You… you have to…” Breathing hurt, was almost impossible. “I can’t… I can’t give you… a child…” And Iruka wanted a child, he was sure about that. And he couldn’t give birth to one. But Iruka wanted one. And that’s why he had to leave him and-
“A child? Kakashi, what are you talking about?”
-because Iruka was made for having children and for raising them. Other than him. He wasn’t good with children, especially not with small children. He would certainly squash them between his fingers, those fingers of a killer, an assassin, a-
“Kakashi?”
-so Iruka should have children, many children, and then give them all the love he had. Instead of giving it to him. It was wasted if the Chuunin gave it to him because he could never be everything that Iruka wanted, could never give him what he wanted most, not like that woman he’d seen, that pregnant woman who’d looked so happy and whose husband had looked so happy, too, and who would be able to-
“Kakashi.”
-like he never would, no matter how many jutsus he would ever copy, how famous or feared he would ever become. And that was why he had to give Iruka his freedom back and the chance to find happiness in a family although it killed him and-
“Kakashi!” And suddenly he felt hands gripping and shaking him.
“Iruka…” He didn’t know what to say anymore. He could just hope that Iruka would allow him to take a last look at him with his Sharingan eye to at least have the memory of him.
“Kakashi…” The Chuunin sighed. “You’re thinking too low of yourself again. And you’re misjudging my wishes again. And you’re…” He smiled softly. “You’re so very you again.”
“But… I can’t…”
“I have children already.” Iruka tenderly embraced him and carefully pulled at his body until he climbed down from the windowsill. “Didn’t you know that? Half of Konoha’s younger generation were my students at the Academy. They’re my children.”
“That’s not the same…” Kakashi sniffled but couldn’t restrain himself from clutching Iruka to his chest. He knew he needed this warmth desperately by now, but he was willing to let Iruka go regardless if only it made the Chuunin happy.
“They’re all the children I need. Especially Naruto.” A soft, soothing kiss was placed on his temple.
“But they’re not your own…”
“I don’t need children of my own. Naruto will always be the closest I have to a son or maybe a younger brother. And that’s all I need. If only I have you, too.” Iruka started walking backwards slowly, drawing the Jounin with him.
“But… but don’t you want…”
“I want you, Kakashi. Only you.” Iruka lifted his head until they could look at each other. “Don’t worry that I would leave you, Kakashi”, he whispered softly before he sat down on the couch behind him, his arms still around the Copy-nin’s neck. “I only want you.”
“Really?” Kakashi climbed up onto the couch and settled down in the Chuunin’s lap. It felt a little weird to sit like that but at least he could be close to Iruka. Oh, and Iruka wouldn’t be able to stand up and leave like this, even if he wanted to. Sitting in Iruka’s lap was the best kind of sitting ever!
“Yes, really.” The Chuunin smiled at him.
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise, Kakashi.”
“Thank you…” The Jounin sighed deeply.
A chuckle. “Thank you, too.”
“We could…” Kakashi sniffled softly. “We could have… a pet…” He could stand that, he supposed. If only it made Iruka happy and stay with him.
Iruka laughed. “Oh my… Kakashi!”
“Not?” He looked up at him unsurely.
“If anything, I actually expected you to suggest adopting a child.” Iruka smirked.
The Copy-nin frowned. “Oh. I didn’t think of that…”
“Obviously.” Iruka shook his head and kissed his temple. “A pet, hm?”
“But no cat. Pakkun wouldn’t like that.” And that would turn out ugly.
“No cat, alright.” Iruka grinned. “And no dog either, I guess. Don’t want Pakkun to feel being replaced.”
“No.” Kakashi wrapped his arms around the Chuunin’s neck. “And no fishes. Fishes are boring.”
“They are.” Iruka nodded. “As are hamsters and guinea pigs and such. And I can’t really stand birds. And snakes or spiders are far, far, far out of the discussion.”
“What else then?” Mmmh… Soo nice to sit like this. He could snuggle his face into Iruka’s neck.
“I have not the slightest idea.” Two arms wrapped around his waist, holding him protectively. “But I don’t really need a pet, you know.” A snigger. “I have you.”
“That’s mean.” Kakashi pouted but refused to lift his head.
“I meant to play and spend my time with”, Iruka assured.
“Sure…” Mean Iruka. And as punishment, he would refuse to get up from his lap for the next… two hours or so. That would teach him!
----- ----- -----
“Gai.” Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. “Gai.”
Konoha’s beautiful Green Beast kept wailing.
“Gai.”
“I didn’t mean to do this to him…” Iruka looked shocked, sad, confused - so many things Kakashi didn’t like to see.
“It’s not your fault. He’s always like this at our non-combat challenges.”
“But… but he’s crying.” Iruka looked at Gai miserably. “If I had known that he would react like this, I would have-”
“No”, Kakashi interrupted him. “Losing on purpose would have been much worse if he ever found out.” He gently embraced his boyfriend. “It’s not your fault, he’s always this… dramatic.”
“But it’s been only a cookie-baking contest.” Iruka looked at him, his eyes wide in confusion. “And he suggested it.”
Kakashi wanted to kiss him.
“If I had known that he couldn’t really bake cookies, I would have never asked to participate.” Iruka bit his lower lip. “I just… I just wanted to be part of something you do…”
Kakashi decided that resistance was futile, if not stupid. So he kissed him.
“Marvelous Love!”
Kakashi groaned. “Back with us, Gai?”
“I am!” The Green Beast beamed at him. “And now that I see this Splendid Display of Love, I realise how unyouthful it was to mourn over a lost contest! I shall now cheer for your Magnificent Luck at finding True Love with Gentle Iruka-sensei!”
“You’re not sad anymore, Gai-sensei?”, Iruka asked, smiling softly.
“How could I be sad?! I lost to a Worthy Opponent who was Inspired by the Beauty of Love!” Gai pointed at the four cookies the Chuunin had made. “This is True Love!”
Kakashi smiled at the sight once again. Iruka had done wonders with the dough. He’d really managed to form and decorate cookies looking like Gai, Pakkun, him and the Copy-nin. And the Iruka-cookie and the Kakashi-cookie were kissing.
“You can have the cookie looking like you, Gai-sensei”, Iruka offered. “I made one for each of us since Pakkun will come over this evening.”
“I shall Honour it!” The Jounin carefully took the green cookie.
“Better eat it”, Iruka chuckled. “They’re best when still warm.”
“I will first show it to my Cute and Youthful Students!”, Gai declared. “To show them the Beauty of Love!”
“I’m sure they’ll be delighted, especially Neji-kun”, Iruka murmured softly while he watched him storm out of the apartment, then he slowly lifted the cookie-pair from the kitchen table and looked at his boyfriend. “Bite me?”, he whispered, smirking.
“You really like to bake, don’t you?”, Kakashi asked while he pulled down his mask and nibbled at the Iruka-cookie’s feet, then carefully took the double-cookie and placed it back on the table. Next to his and Gai’s pitiful attempts at baking without help.
“It’s calming.” Iruka snuggled his head into his chest. “Just as cooking. I like to work with my hands and to produce something, especially if it makes others happy.”
“Like apple pancakes?”, Kakashi tried. Because that would make him very much happy.
“You’re so greedy”, Iruka sniggered. “Wait until Pakkun’s here, then I’ll make some for both of you.”
“I think I’ll try more of the cookie then. Pity you don’t have a fireplace, by the way.”
“Hm?” Iruka frowned. “Why that?”
Kakashi held one of his very black cookies up and earned himself a laugh and a kiss and the promise of more lessons in baking.
----- ----- -----
tbc
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nayru