Kids
I have always said, and still do say that - I dont want kids
Everyone tells me that I will change my mind when I meet the right man.. and well.. I really feel like I just might have met the right man, but that doesn't change how I feel about kids. Luckily the guy I am with right now, says he never wants kids either.. And I mean.. who knows.. maybe if we end up being together for a long time and eventually getting married (we've already been together a year) we will change our mind in the future - but in all honesty I really.. really reall dont see that happening.
See.. I have a lot of reasons that I dont want kids.
First of all, everything I have ever learned about pregnancy (which is quite a bit) either grosses me out, or scares the crap out of me. And speaking of crap, as squeamish as I am about bodily functions there is no way in hell I'd be able to have a kid. Hell I gag almost unto vomiting when I scoop my cat's litter box, how would I change diapers without puking on my baby? And speaking of vomit.. It is one of my biggest fears. If anyone near me starts to vomit, I bolt. If I feel like I myself am going to vomit, I panic. If anyone says they think they have a stomach virus, and feel like they are going to vomit - I refuse to go near them and wont touch anything they touched without first disinfecting it.. So.. A baby is very obviously not disinfected and neither is a child so I just couldnt handle THAT part.
Then there is the fact that I have little to no patience for children. Dont get me wrong, I DONT DISLIKE KIDS... I just.. dont like them for myself. My boyfriend's sister has a very hyper 4 year old boy, and my weekend exposure to him is juuust enough for me. Let me put it this way though, I have a chihuahua and I can barely put her sweater on her without wanting to strangle her to death, or smack the shit out of her when she wont sit still and cooperate with me to do it. So how on earth could I put up with aaaaallllllll of the ways that a child test your patience? I honestly fear that if I had a child of my own, that I had to be arouond 24/7 throughout all their annoyances, I would probably end up hurting the kid. Not because I am an abusive person, not because I am malicious, but becuase I do have a hard time controlling my annoyance tolerance, and the harder Im pushed, I just end up snapping and doing things I shouldnt do and or regret. I also dont have patience for the noise, I think that would be the factor for me, the noise. Little kids are a constant box of chatter, noise making etc. And their constant urge to see how far they can push you? Yeah.. couldnt handle it.. And then the adolescent attitude and snottiness? No.. I wouldnt make a very tolerant and or good parent at all.
Thirdly, I dont really feel like I have the emotional capacity to nurture a child the way they are supposed to be nurtured. I havea hard enough time nurturing myself and handling my own emotions etc, I dont think I have the aptitude to mold the emotional status of another being. I fear that if I had a child I would not have complete sincerity in the way I raised them. Yes I would kiss their booboo's and I would comfort them when they're sad, tell them I love them, all that sort of thing. But I fear it would be more out of feeling obligated to do so because its the right thing, rather than an honest compelling urge to do these emotional acts. And when it comes down to it, I believe a child is innocent and deserves to be raised in an honest and loving environment that is beneficial both emotionally as well as financially stable etc.
Fourth, while anyone would tell you that Im not a selfish person, I do feel like I am too selfish to devote myself to a child. A child requires sooo much attention and.. I have a hard enough time paying attention to things I should as it is. I DO have a chemical imbalance, and things that I should be doing, I dont. I also think that since my life is already constricted so much due to my work, if my life ever became PERMENANTLY constricted (well.. for 18 yrs or so) that I may grow to resent the child the way I currently resent my having to work 2 jobs - and a child should never be resented. That sort of ties into the fact that i KNOW that if I ever have a child, it will be on accident. And if you have a child that you didnt TRUELY try for and or want.. How could you really completely love it the same? I dont think I would. Again it would be a mechanical relationship on my part.
Fifth.. As much as we all hate to admit it, I think I have too much of my mother in me, and while I love my mom, I just dont think I would want to put a kid through what I have been through. Ive always told my mom "no offense, but I use your life as a model of what NOT to do". See, my mom had me when she was barely 19. She had met my dad a couple months prior, and I was an accident. They got married soley due to the pregnancy, and consequently divorced before I reached 2 years of age. I had to suffer through all of my mom's asshole boyfriends, and her asshole husband of 9 years who was both physically and mentally abusive. All the while my mom maintained a pretty passive stance. She did intervene and take a stand here and there, and I appreciate it. But it really was too little too late. She also had a rather indifferent stance on my struggles with my chemical imbalace and trying to cope with the death of my father. Now that I am an adult, her stance is still pretty much indifferent in regards to the struggles I have. When I call her with a problem most times she wont really let me speak too much in depth about it because she "only wants to talk about positive stuff" if she does hear me out, more often than not, her response is "well, better you than me" and I am not joking when I use that phrase, she's said it more than once. On a rare occasion she does listen to me and does try to give me advice, those times are rare, but appreciated.
I find myself rather indifferent to the plights of the people around me.. Well it depends, if its someone that's been in my life for a long time and or I love them, then of course I am sympathetic. But there is a BIG difference between the sympathy you have for a loved one, and the motherly type of sympathy. I am not a motherly person. People tell me that I am motherly, and that I would make a good mom because I am always trying to take care of my loved ones.. But in reality, Im not.
I say that because I take care of the people I love because I WANT to, and it makes me happy to do it. But with a kid you HAVE to take care of them, and there is NO option to say no, and there is no option to have a break.
I dont know.. I just... really dont think Id make a good mother, and being a mother isnt something I want to do either. And I just wish that was something that people understood, and accepted.
Everyone tells me that I will change my mind when I meet the right man.. and well.. I really feel like I just might have met the right man, but that doesn't change how I feel about kids. Luckily the guy I am with right now, says he never wants kids either.. And I mean.. who knows.. maybe if we end up being together for a long time and eventually getting married (we've already been together a year) we will change our mind in the future - but in all honesty I really.. really reall dont see that happening.
See.. I have a lot of reasons that I dont want kids.
First of all, everything I have ever learned about pregnancy (which is quite a bit) either grosses me out, or scares the crap out of me. And speaking of crap, as squeamish as I am about bodily functions there is no way in hell I'd be able to have a kid. Hell I gag almost unto vomiting when I scoop my cat's litter box, how would I change diapers without puking on my baby? And speaking of vomit.. It is one of my biggest fears. If anyone near me starts to vomit, I bolt. If I feel like I myself am going to vomit, I panic. If anyone says they think they have a stomach virus, and feel like they are going to vomit - I refuse to go near them and wont touch anything they touched without first disinfecting it.. So.. A baby is very obviously not disinfected and neither is a child so I just couldnt handle THAT part.
Then there is the fact that I have little to no patience for children. Dont get me wrong, I DONT DISLIKE KIDS... I just.. dont like them for myself. My boyfriend's sister has a very hyper 4 year old boy, and my weekend exposure to him is juuust enough for me. Let me put it this way though, I have a chihuahua and I can barely put her sweater on her without wanting to strangle her to death, or smack the shit out of her when she wont sit still and cooperate with me to do it. So how on earth could I put up with aaaaallllllll of the ways that a child test your patience? I honestly fear that if I had a child of my own, that I had to be arouond 24/7 throughout all their annoyances, I would probably end up hurting the kid. Not because I am an abusive person, not because I am malicious, but becuase I do have a hard time controlling my annoyance tolerance, and the harder Im pushed, I just end up snapping and doing things I shouldnt do and or regret. I also dont have patience for the noise, I think that would be the factor for me, the noise. Little kids are a constant box of chatter, noise making etc. And their constant urge to see how far they can push you? Yeah.. couldnt handle it.. And then the adolescent attitude and snottiness? No.. I wouldnt make a very tolerant and or good parent at all.
Thirdly, I dont really feel like I have the emotional capacity to nurture a child the way they are supposed to be nurtured. I havea hard enough time nurturing myself and handling my own emotions etc, I dont think I have the aptitude to mold the emotional status of another being. I fear that if I had a child I would not have complete sincerity in the way I raised them. Yes I would kiss their booboo's and I would comfort them when they're sad, tell them I love them, all that sort of thing. But I fear it would be more out of feeling obligated to do so because its the right thing, rather than an honest compelling urge to do these emotional acts. And when it comes down to it, I believe a child is innocent and deserves to be raised in an honest and loving environment that is beneficial both emotionally as well as financially stable etc.
Fourth, while anyone would tell you that Im not a selfish person, I do feel like I am too selfish to devote myself to a child. A child requires sooo much attention and.. I have a hard enough time paying attention to things I should as it is. I DO have a chemical imbalance, and things that I should be doing, I dont. I also think that since my life is already constricted so much due to my work, if my life ever became PERMENANTLY constricted (well.. for 18 yrs or so) that I may grow to resent the child the way I currently resent my having to work 2 jobs - and a child should never be resented. That sort of ties into the fact that i KNOW that if I ever have a child, it will be on accident. And if you have a child that you didnt TRUELY try for and or want.. How could you really completely love it the same? I dont think I would. Again it would be a mechanical relationship on my part.
Fifth.. As much as we all hate to admit it, I think I have too much of my mother in me, and while I love my mom, I just dont think I would want to put a kid through what I have been through. Ive always told my mom "no offense, but I use your life as a model of what NOT to do". See, my mom had me when she was barely 19. She had met my dad a couple months prior, and I was an accident. They got married soley due to the pregnancy, and consequently divorced before I reached 2 years of age. I had to suffer through all of my mom's asshole boyfriends, and her asshole husband of 9 years who was both physically and mentally abusive. All the while my mom maintained a pretty passive stance. She did intervene and take a stand here and there, and I appreciate it. But it really was too little too late. She also had a rather indifferent stance on my struggles with my chemical imbalace and trying to cope with the death of my father. Now that I am an adult, her stance is still pretty much indifferent in regards to the struggles I have. When I call her with a problem most times she wont really let me speak too much in depth about it because she "only wants to talk about positive stuff" if she does hear me out, more often than not, her response is "well, better you than me" and I am not joking when I use that phrase, she's said it more than once. On a rare occasion she does listen to me and does try to give me advice, those times are rare, but appreciated.
I find myself rather indifferent to the plights of the people around me.. Well it depends, if its someone that's been in my life for a long time and or I love them, then of course I am sympathetic. But there is a BIG difference between the sympathy you have for a loved one, and the motherly type of sympathy. I am not a motherly person. People tell me that I am motherly, and that I would make a good mom because I am always trying to take care of my loved ones.. But in reality, Im not.
I say that because I take care of the people I love because I WANT to, and it makes me happy to do it. But with a kid you HAVE to take care of them, and there is NO option to say no, and there is no option to have a break.
I dont know.. I just... really dont think Id make a good mother, and being a mother isnt something I want to do either. And I just wish that was something that people understood, and accepted.