My Depression...
Alright so it is 6:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I seem to have developed some form of depression that I can't control. Tonight me and Todd were out having a great old time when all of a sudden I just got all sad and all I wanted to do was go home. I am so confused right now and I am just wishing that things could actually go right for me. I graduated college and that was a wonderful thing, but I soo want to go back and go to grad school, but I can't until I get a job so I can at least pay for some of it and not take thousands of dollars worth of loans. Now that wouldn't be such a hard task if I actually could get hired. In the past 2 weeks I have sent out about 8 resumes and I have not gotten one job yet. This makes me feel like a complete and total reject. What is soo wrong with me that no one wants me to work for them? I am so bored and so lonely being home by myself because all of my friends are either back at college or working. Now the only part of my day that made me happy, seeing Todd after his work at 5 every day, is going to be ruined. He is forced to work longer hours and basically the only times I will get to see him is on weekends. I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. I am such a perfectionist and I am freaking out because my life is far from perfect now. And now that I have nothing to do in my life, I have nothing to be a perfectionist on. To make matters even worse, I am having doubts as to the field I am studying. I have a degree in psychology and plan on pursuing higher degrees in it, but is that really what I want? I don't even know what I want anymore. I used to be so sure and so confident and so in control and now I am none of the above. I know a whole lot about depression due to my field and I am in in what is considered to be mild depression that has been going on for about a week now. I am so scared that things will never work out for me the way I wanted them to. I know these things take time and patience, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just hope and pray that this soon will pass and things will get at least a little better because I miss my old happy and cheerful self nd I am sick and tired of the sleepless nights and the gloomyness I show when I'm sposed to be out having fun. Well I guess I'm gonna try to sleep again. I just had to get this off my chest so I could feel a little better. Wish me luck everybody.