finally!
Took me forever to just login into this stupid journal thing. Gay readonly mode. ROOAR! Im bored as ever! its raining now. I remember the first time i saw it. I was a baby and it reminded me of everything i had learned (which wasn't much) and how much my family would always be near me and protect me. But now its changed. Everytime i see rain i think of everyone's sadness, and believe it or not at some points i cry because of what happened through my life. Everyone thinks and wonders how the hell could i be miserable and depressed when i actually do have a great life? I agree with the great life. Everyone around me is so special and incredible that i would protect them with my life. If noone believes me for that then one day i will prove it to them. Rain reminds me of all the times i lied, of all the times i had never told how much pain i was in, of how much i wanted to say my opinion, but never did cuz i didn't have the courage to. Its hard for me to even speak to my stepdad without being afraid of him. But im pretty sure all his reasons for yelling at me are right. At times when i doubted him, he was always right. He only spanked me when i was little and i do thank him for that. Without punishments i would'nt be as nice as you think i am. I love my family for everything they've done for me and i wish i could repay them in a way they never thought of. I have no idea how i'm depressed or when it will go away. But i want it to go away more than anything. Ill try by myself for now. IF it gets worse then ill let it. There's no way im going to deny something that i have. My brother is getting yelled at right now for what he did wrong. I would protect him, but my parents are doing everything right and i think its for the best. I want my brother to learn what i have learned and im pretty sure its right. He will understand one day that tomorrow can wait and listening to your family is important. They've been through much more than we have and we must respect them for that. I seem kinda depressed today too. Dunno why. But im even more depressed for what just happened right now. Can't tell. Sry. *sigh* Why must life be so hard? And then they have to add love to that which makes it much more worse than it actually is. I hate my life so much at times that i DO want to kill myself so other ppl can finally be happy. I DO want to not be born so noone can put up with my crap now. I DON'T want to be loved becuz that seems to make things worse for everyone else. I LOVE everybody so much that they don't even understand what sacrifices i would make, and how muich i would protect them. Noone know or understands me and noone ever will. That's what's wrong with life. noone trusts eachother. Noone will listen to eachother or tell eachother anything. This is how life is for me. Noone will hear me out, noone will listen to me, maybe its because im never right. Then let them not listen, everytime i say something i lose my breath for something more important anyway. Why must Life and love be so hard?