the devil
The pain that has come up in me is worse then ever.... worse then i want to even speak of.... i thought i was past it... i thought my mind had pushed it out.... i thought i could move in my life.... i had a friend tonight what has happened to me ..... she understood very well she to was hurt be on all believe.......she knew what hurt and why... she knew that i was still there.... she knew it.... she knew that i wanted to just die from being looked at any differently..... she knew that my pain was stronger the my pride..... i bout died.... i wanted to crawl into a ball and die..... not a lot of people know what really happened to me so many years ago... no one has known how empty it has made me feel.... -she shacks her head to keep out the monsters.... she try's to cry away the fears.... she feel like going and never coming back....she wants to be happy again.... she wants to be loved even tho she is imperfect....she wants to die-... i told her the things that happened... i told her... what i was so scared to even think bout.... she understood.... i haven't cried this much in years.... i haven't wanted anyone to see me.... i have had it hidden.... i have not wanted the world to know that i am not always happy... i don't smile inside.... i maybe strong but i feel made of toothpicks inside..... i feel like shit.....
i emailed him to tell him i needed to talk....i told him i wanted him..... he went to bed.... he let sleep take him over and read over the emails that had so many meanings to them.... the feeling of lose.... the feeling of pain.....feeling i fear to deal with alone.... i may not be perfect... i may not be what everyone wants of me.... but i am me.... i am scared.... i have pain you couldn't deal with.... i need to be held to let know i am ok.... told that i am loved even tho i know it.... let know that i am beautiful even know i sometimes feels..... told that everything is ok when i feel like breaking.... told that my life is better then what it was made to be.... what he made it to be..... i need this.... i need to be loved...i need to be wanted..... im hopeless....
Ive wanted to know what life would be like with out pain.... what would become of me.... where i would be....what i would think then.... if it would be better.... if i didn't hate life so much.... if someone would have still loved me....if i had never would have found him.... what would have happened.... i wonder..... i know i can never be free of the pain.... the hurt... the anger.... the missary.. i will never be free of it.... but i just wish for one day that i was.... i was different.... i was like everyone else.... i was the one everyone loved.... not cuz im the loud funny one... cuz i was normal.... cuz i had something better then a smile and jokes... cuz i didn't look like a cow..... i wonder what everyone would think of me.... would i still be happy.... and what is happy... is something you feel... is it something you are.... is it something to want.... to hate.... what is happy..... when you know when you are really happy.... when....??? what is happy....????
i want to be free again of this pain... i want it to go away... i want to know that everything will be ok.... I want it all gone.... i want it pushed out of my head..... i want to know that i cant be hurt again..... i want him dead.... i the devil dead..... i never want to hurt again...... i want to be free of him.... i want him to be gone... i want that childhood pain to die with the man that did it.... i want to so much.......
well as live with this in my head i bid you farewell..... goodbye.... see ya... bye bye..... peace..... and to never wake again.....
i emailed him to tell him i needed to talk....i told him i wanted him..... he went to bed.... he let sleep take him over and read over the emails that had so many meanings to them.... the feeling of lose.... the feeling of pain.....feeling i fear to deal with alone.... i may not be perfect... i may not be what everyone wants of me.... but i am me.... i am scared.... i have pain you couldn't deal with.... i need to be held to let know i am ok.... told that i am loved even tho i know it.... let know that i am beautiful even know i sometimes feels..... told that everything is ok when i feel like breaking.... told that my life is better then what it was made to be.... what he made it to be..... i need this.... i need to be loved...i need to be wanted..... im hopeless....
Ive wanted to know what life would be like with out pain.... what would become of me.... where i would be....what i would think then.... if it would be better.... if i didn't hate life so much.... if someone would have still loved me....if i had never would have found him.... what would have happened.... i wonder..... i know i can never be free of the pain.... the hurt... the anger.... the missary.. i will never be free of it.... but i just wish for one day that i was.... i was different.... i was like everyone else.... i was the one everyone loved.... not cuz im the loud funny one... cuz i was normal.... cuz i had something better then a smile and jokes... cuz i didn't look like a cow..... i wonder what everyone would think of me.... would i still be happy.... and what is happy... is something you feel... is it something you are.... is it something to want.... to hate.... what is happy..... when you know when you are really happy.... when....??? what is happy....????
i want to be free again of this pain... i want it to go away... i want to know that everything will be ok.... I want it all gone.... i want it pushed out of my head..... i want to know that i cant be hurt again..... i want him dead.... i the devil dead..... i never want to hurt again...... i want to be free of him.... i want him to be gone... i want that childhood pain to die with the man that did it.... i want to so much.......
well as live with this in my head i bid you farewell..... goodbye.... see ya... bye bye..... peace..... and to never wake again.....