a letter...for a certain person....that never got sent....
the entry below, i wrote one night on watch and never ended up doing much with it. so there it is in its entirty. honestly, in rereading it, i do not know how i could be so blind to this person's true character. anyway please continue on if you wish. one exception though. i never got around to sending this out since i do not have melissa's address and two the email to my mom is on my hotmail and i cannot access that while on the ship's server. so please, my dear readers, take what you can from this, and never asume anything about anyone.
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I initially started this entry to vent all my hurt and frustrating feeling that I have been building up the past 6-8 months. 14 months ago I met a sweet and warm woman who took Donnie and I in. she took me to the hospital the day I woke up bleeding. All these wonderful and generous things that a friend would do, and I and no idea of a hidden agenda. Maybe there was not one at that time. Somehow, over the months that we lived together, something must have gone sour and I had no idea. Now, mind you, that during those months Donnie and I did fight quite a bit, but now I think that it might have had something to do with Melissa. Maybe he saw things about her that I did not. I do not know at this time. Maybe once I get back from this underway period I can ask him. He might answer and might not. But maybe, just maybe, he can shed some light on Melissa’s character. Anyway I plan on rewriting the initial entry as a letter to Melissa. I also plan on rewriting it by hand. I will, of course, post it here in its entirety. No deletions or changes. I have a feeling that harmony will read this and send it to Melissa anyway since they are so fond of sending each other my entries. Is it because I am the new wife or because I am Donnie’s wife? Most of these questions will never go answered, but I am hoping that the important ones will. Maybe they have enough respect for themselves left that they, primarily Melissa, will give me the knowledge I need to finally put this to rest. I am tired of dwelling on the “what ifs” and “what did I do wrong”s. I want to close this chapter so others may be opened. The one thing that I do not get out of all this is what does Melissa get out of it?
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I always have too much time to think while I am on watch. What puzzles me is why she had to be so cruel? Why, when I had done nothing to her, she had struck the first blow. She was the one that left me high and dry at the drop of a dime. And what for? Hating Donnie? Hating me because I love him?
Hell if Donnie and I were able to get a place of our own, we would of. It was very generous of her to let us stay and then move into a bigger place with them. She was there for me at a time when I need someone the most. That is why this betrayal has hurt so much. How could she offer to watch our child knowing she was making arrangements with the devil? Arrangements that would put further hardships in our life, yet she was the one concerned for me when she wrote my mom. [insert email]
How can a person claim to be worried about you and then turn around and deliberately antagonize the enemy to make it worse?
How to explain the hurt and betrayal? For starters I defended you!!! No, it can’t be her. It must be someone else. No, she does not have a drinking problem. She only drinks on Fridays. No, she is not unstable and unfit to watch our kid. (even though the very fist night I met you, you attempted suicide.)
Every time something happened with the enemy, Donnie was there saying it was you! And I, stupid and blinded by love and respect for you, defended your ass! Every damn time. I believed you. Every time I got slightly convinced it was you, you were able to smooth it over. My one remaining belief that you had not been the one was the fact that you professed to me within the first few weeks of knowing you…you hated Harmony with all your being!!!
Every time that Donnie or his mom brought up something that Harmony had almost no way of knowing, they said it had to be you. With all that said, I want to know why. What drove you to do this? What drove you to hurt me so deeply? I Do Not want you to deny this. I Do Not want you to say it was not you. My eyes are open and I will not take any more abuse to the truth. I deserve an explanation, if there is even one. If there is ever going to be any forgiveness between us, since I see no point in wasting my time on holding a grudge. I maybe like one of those puppies that just keep getting kicked, but in the end I still defended you against everyone else, all the while you were still kicking. The sad thing is that I doubt you will ever respond to this letter, or even apologize for that matter. To you I am just some stupid girl who married Donnie. And you were my witness! Another reason I thought it could not be you. Why do all these kind and wonderful things just to turn and stab me in the heart? The only thing that I can think of that I did to you was move out last minute. But this was only after Mike stayed longer than you initially mentioned. 5 adults in that small apartment would just not do. One thing I can say though was that I went ahead and paid the rent for that month even though I was not going to be staying there. Anyway I think that it is about time I finished off this letter. At least I finally got it all out and it won’t hurt as much anymore. May you find happiness wherever you go.
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I initially started this entry to vent all my hurt and frustrating feeling that I have been building up the past 6-8 months. 14 months ago I met a sweet and warm woman who took Donnie and I in. she took me to the hospital the day I woke up bleeding. All these wonderful and generous things that a friend would do, and I and no idea of a hidden agenda. Maybe there was not one at that time. Somehow, over the months that we lived together, something must have gone sour and I had no idea. Now, mind you, that during those months Donnie and I did fight quite a bit, but now I think that it might have had something to do with Melissa. Maybe he saw things about her that I did not. I do not know at this time. Maybe once I get back from this underway period I can ask him. He might answer and might not. But maybe, just maybe, he can shed some light on Melissa’s character. Anyway I plan on rewriting the initial entry as a letter to Melissa. I also plan on rewriting it by hand. I will, of course, post it here in its entirety. No deletions or changes. I have a feeling that harmony will read this and send it to Melissa anyway since they are so fond of sending each other my entries. Is it because I am the new wife or because I am Donnie’s wife? Most of these questions will never go answered, but I am hoping that the important ones will. Maybe they have enough respect for themselves left that they, primarily Melissa, will give me the knowledge I need to finally put this to rest. I am tired of dwelling on the “what ifs” and “what did I do wrong”s. I want to close this chapter so others may be opened. The one thing that I do not get out of all this is what does Melissa get out of it?
**************************************************
I always have too much time to think while I am on watch. What puzzles me is why she had to be so cruel? Why, when I had done nothing to her, she had struck the first blow. She was the one that left me high and dry at the drop of a dime. And what for? Hating Donnie? Hating me because I love him?
Hell if Donnie and I were able to get a place of our own, we would of. It was very generous of her to let us stay and then move into a bigger place with them. She was there for me at a time when I need someone the most. That is why this betrayal has hurt so much. How could she offer to watch our child knowing she was making arrangements with the devil? Arrangements that would put further hardships in our life, yet she was the one concerned for me when she wrote my mom. [insert email]
How can a person claim to be worried about you and then turn around and deliberately antagonize the enemy to make it worse?
How to explain the hurt and betrayal? For starters I defended you!!! No, it can’t be her. It must be someone else. No, she does not have a drinking problem. She only drinks on Fridays. No, she is not unstable and unfit to watch our kid. (even though the very fist night I met you, you attempted suicide.)
Every time something happened with the enemy, Donnie was there saying it was you! And I, stupid and blinded by love and respect for you, defended your ass! Every damn time. I believed you. Every time I got slightly convinced it was you, you were able to smooth it over. My one remaining belief that you had not been the one was the fact that you professed to me within the first few weeks of knowing you…you hated Harmony with all your being!!!
Every time that Donnie or his mom brought up something that Harmony had almost no way of knowing, they said it had to be you. With all that said, I want to know why. What drove you to do this? What drove you to hurt me so deeply? I Do Not want you to deny this. I Do Not want you to say it was not you. My eyes are open and I will not take any more abuse to the truth. I deserve an explanation, if there is even one. If there is ever going to be any forgiveness between us, since I see no point in wasting my time on holding a grudge. I maybe like one of those puppies that just keep getting kicked, but in the end I still defended you against everyone else, all the while you were still kicking. The sad thing is that I doubt you will ever respond to this letter, or even apologize for that matter. To you I am just some stupid girl who married Donnie. And you were my witness! Another reason I thought it could not be you. Why do all these kind and wonderful things just to turn and stab me in the heart? The only thing that I can think of that I did to you was move out last minute. But this was only after Mike stayed longer than you initially mentioned. 5 adults in that small apartment would just not do. One thing I can say though was that I went ahead and paid the rent for that month even though I was not going to be staying there. Anyway I think that it is about time I finished off this letter. At least I finally got it all out and it won’t hurt as much anymore. May you find happiness wherever you go.