The Beauty Is In The Valley
I know that I have not always been the most clean mouthed on my journal. My dad taught me that sometimes four-letter words can make people stop and listen. But, as I napped this afternoon, I was hit by a lot of things.
My mom admitted that she is going thru a selfish phase. Fine. She said that she had been married to my dad for 31 years. She said it such a tone that revealed disgust, as though she were ashamed that they were married that long.
WHAT? I was married, but it wasn't a good one. She should walk a mile in my marriage boots then she could talk.
My dad wasn't perfect by any means, but he let her think as she wanted. He let her do what she wanted to do. He never one time tried to control her.
My husband? He compared me to every woman he ever saw. "Why can't your breasts be as big or as perky?" "Why can't you be that tall, with legs like that?"
He tried to tell me what to think and what to do. I was the one that was expected to support him and me, plus clean the house. I'd be at work for 10 hours a day and then come home to a house that needed cleaning, while he didn't work and was home all day.
He put me down, knocking down any sort of self esteem I had. He did everything he could to destroy me.
And, when I needed him the most, he abandoned me, without word.
None of which my daddy did to my mom.
Then, today at church, we discussed how our relationship with Christ was comparable to marriage?
Again, WHAT?
Did you just read what my marriage was about? Did you just read what sort of marriage I had? And you expect me to look at my relationshipe with Christ, based on that?
But, I get why people say that. God is the one that has to give people the words to say to someone who views marriage in the same light I do.
But, I was napping (Hence the title of the entry) and something hit me. I don't know why, but I was praying that I was a preacher. Those that know me know that I am not the evangelical type. I don't discuss my relationship with Christ all that often. I prefer to let you see it.
But, I woke up with this thought:
I am going thru a battle that I can not win. My mother, for all intents and purposes, doesn't want a relationship with me unless it's on her terms. My life is really sucking right now. No job and unemployment barely covers the bills. My computer is finicky. The support cable on my lap top is broken, so I have to use an external monitor now for my lap top. Not comfortable or easy, but managable. I may lose my best friend because i don't know how to reach out to people when they're hurting. Finding a job is impossible, yet the medical field is this supposedly exploding field with millions of job opportunities.
So, I'm not in the best place.
We are taught that, in the Christian lifestyle, if you are on the top of the mountain, then you are blessed.
God reminded me of something:
Yes, the mountain brings you closer to God, I suppose.
When you come down, you may start in a barren valley, with nothing but brown and death around you (The Valley of the Shadow of Death or Death Valley). You have two choices: To sit and bemoan the fact that is the valley you're in or walk, hoping to move toward a mountain.
God reminded me of valleys: The ones at the base of the mountain are green, with beautiful flowers and trees and a flowing river, whose water is drinkable. There are butterflies and beautiful wild life. There is peace and serenity. If you look closely, you'll see a rainbow.
WOW! What a valley to be in!
And believe me...the mountain tops are cold, full of snow and not a place that is truly desirable. Those that live near mountains know that. There are some that love to climb to the tops of mountains, but not everyone does.
The beauty in life is NOT the mountain top. It is the valley in the shadow of that mountain.
My mom admitted that she is going thru a selfish phase. Fine. She said that she had been married to my dad for 31 years. She said it such a tone that revealed disgust, as though she were ashamed that they were married that long.
WHAT? I was married, but it wasn't a good one. She should walk a mile in my marriage boots then she could talk.
My dad wasn't perfect by any means, but he let her think as she wanted. He let her do what she wanted to do. He never one time tried to control her.
My husband? He compared me to every woman he ever saw. "Why can't your breasts be as big or as perky?" "Why can't you be that tall, with legs like that?"
He tried to tell me what to think and what to do. I was the one that was expected to support him and me, plus clean the house. I'd be at work for 10 hours a day and then come home to a house that needed cleaning, while he didn't work and was home all day.
He put me down, knocking down any sort of self esteem I had. He did everything he could to destroy me.
And, when I needed him the most, he abandoned me, without word.
None of which my daddy did to my mom.
Then, today at church, we discussed how our relationship with Christ was comparable to marriage?
Again, WHAT?
Did you just read what my marriage was about? Did you just read what sort of marriage I had? And you expect me to look at my relationshipe with Christ, based on that?
But, I get why people say that. God is the one that has to give people the words to say to someone who views marriage in the same light I do.
But, I was napping (Hence the title of the entry) and something hit me. I don't know why, but I was praying that I was a preacher. Those that know me know that I am not the evangelical type. I don't discuss my relationship with Christ all that often. I prefer to let you see it.
But, I woke up with this thought:
I am going thru a battle that I can not win. My mother, for all intents and purposes, doesn't want a relationship with me unless it's on her terms. My life is really sucking right now. No job and unemployment barely covers the bills. My computer is finicky. The support cable on my lap top is broken, so I have to use an external monitor now for my lap top. Not comfortable or easy, but managable. I may lose my best friend because i don't know how to reach out to people when they're hurting. Finding a job is impossible, yet the medical field is this supposedly exploding field with millions of job opportunities.
So, I'm not in the best place.
We are taught that, in the Christian lifestyle, if you are on the top of the mountain, then you are blessed.
God reminded me of something:
Yes, the mountain brings you closer to God, I suppose.
When you come down, you may start in a barren valley, with nothing but brown and death around you (The Valley of the Shadow of Death or Death Valley). You have two choices: To sit and bemoan the fact that is the valley you're in or walk, hoping to move toward a mountain.
God reminded me of valleys: The ones at the base of the mountain are green, with beautiful flowers and trees and a flowing river, whose water is drinkable. There are butterflies and beautiful wild life. There is peace and serenity. If you look closely, you'll see a rainbow.
WOW! What a valley to be in!
And believe me...the mountain tops are cold, full of snow and not a place that is truly desirable. Those that live near mountains know that. There are some that love to climb to the tops of mountains, but not everyone does.
The beauty in life is NOT the mountain top. It is the valley in the shadow of that mountain.