Welcome to Loserville. Population: 1
I'm not sure where this will go, but as I went through the day, my tweet about the living dead do exist. I don't know if I'll go anywhere with this, other than here, but who knows? *Shrugs* Guess it depends on your feedback and if I can think of where to go with it and how I can put it together. We'll see.
Some of it is made up...some of it is based on my life. I'm using a name that sounds similar to my real name, but it's NOT my real name.
I don't know when it started. I wish I could stop feeling what it is that I'm feeling. I wish I could stop everything. Maybe turn back time. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like where I'm at in life. I don't like WHO I am in life. I just wish I could do it all over again.
I can look back on my life and honestly say that I do have fond memories. I didn't come from a family where the father was gone or the mom was a drug addict or whatever. I grew up in a loving family. My parents, though they DID fight, always made up and they did love each other. I think divorce was mentioned one time and my dad laughed at it. It was as though he knew my mom didn't mean it. She was angry and he knew she just needed to vent.
But, I grew up with the "perfect" older sibling. Granted, he never had it easy, but he always had it way easier than me. Maybe it's the personalities. I don't know. I do know that I grew up wishing I was like him. Yeah. Yeah. I know. We're different and he's not me and I'm not him. But, what's wrong with wishing I could be like him in certain areas?
He never, really, shut down. I do. My brother was able to form long lasting relationships. Not me. I mean, I know the reason why I have such a hard time with friendships. I know why I can't trust people. Or at least I am very picky about who I do trust.
I suppose it all started when I was seven years old. I had these "friends" who, for whatever reason, decided to punch the wind out of me. First, since I'm a talker, I thought it was because I talked too much. So, the next day, I spoke only when spoken to and the same thing happened. Well, that ended those "friendships" and all others to come.
If that wasn't bad enough, it then started a lifetime of people lying and spreading rumours about me. I became everyone's favorite scapegoat. If there was ever a problem at anytime, with anything, "Blame Katrina!" became everyone's favorite battle cry.
I grew up a recluse, more or less. I had only a couple good friends, whom I talk to on occassion now. Not as often as I think we would like. I think that I trusted them more than I ever trusted anyone - and I do mean EVER. I never let them in as close as I would have liked.
Okay. I see you rolling your eyes. I wasn't always heartless. After everything in my short life (to that point), I kept people at what I considered a safe distance. I let people in only so far before shutting them out. I let them know only so much.
I have tried to change. However, it seems just when I take that chance to actually open up and let people in, I'm stabbed (again) in the back. Hell, sometimes even in the front. Truth be told that I respect the ones that stab me in the front. Why? At least they're not hiding anything.
My brubby never (as far as I know) never had to deal with that. I'm sure that he may have. I just know that he hasn't had as many enemies as I do. But, I don't think he didn't have enemies. I'm sure he did.
Honestly? I just wish I could wake up and be a kid again and try to start this all thing over again. Maybe change things. I don't know. Would anything be different? What would I change if I COULD things?
I don't know. But here's what I DO know: The living dead exist. Need proof? Look into my eyes. There's your proof.
Some of it is made up...some of it is based on my life. I'm using a name that sounds similar to my real name, but it's NOT my real name.
I don't know when it started. I wish I could stop feeling what it is that I'm feeling. I wish I could stop everything. Maybe turn back time. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like where I'm at in life. I don't like WHO I am in life. I just wish I could do it all over again.
I can look back on my life and honestly say that I do have fond memories. I didn't come from a family where the father was gone or the mom was a drug addict or whatever. I grew up in a loving family. My parents, though they DID fight, always made up and they did love each other. I think divorce was mentioned one time and my dad laughed at it. It was as though he knew my mom didn't mean it. She was angry and he knew she just needed to vent.
But, I grew up with the "perfect" older sibling. Granted, he never had it easy, but he always had it way easier than me. Maybe it's the personalities. I don't know. I do know that I grew up wishing I was like him. Yeah. Yeah. I know. We're different and he's not me and I'm not him. But, what's wrong with wishing I could be like him in certain areas?
He never, really, shut down. I do. My brother was able to form long lasting relationships. Not me. I mean, I know the reason why I have such a hard time with friendships. I know why I can't trust people. Or at least I am very picky about who I do trust.
I suppose it all started when I was seven years old. I had these "friends" who, for whatever reason, decided to punch the wind out of me. First, since I'm a talker, I thought it was because I talked too much. So, the next day, I spoke only when spoken to and the same thing happened. Well, that ended those "friendships" and all others to come.
If that wasn't bad enough, it then started a lifetime of people lying and spreading rumours about me. I became everyone's favorite scapegoat. If there was ever a problem at anytime, with anything, "Blame Katrina!" became everyone's favorite battle cry.
I grew up a recluse, more or less. I had only a couple good friends, whom I talk to on occassion now. Not as often as I think we would like. I think that I trusted them more than I ever trusted anyone - and I do mean EVER. I never let them in as close as I would have liked.
Okay. I see you rolling your eyes. I wasn't always heartless. After everything in my short life (to that point), I kept people at what I considered a safe distance. I let people in only so far before shutting them out. I let them know only so much.
I have tried to change. However, it seems just when I take that chance to actually open up and let people in, I'm stabbed (again) in the back. Hell, sometimes even in the front. Truth be told that I respect the ones that stab me in the front. Why? At least they're not hiding anything.
My brubby never (as far as I know) never had to deal with that. I'm sure that he may have. I just know that he hasn't had as many enemies as I do. But, I don't think he didn't have enemies. I'm sure he did.
Honestly? I just wish I could wake up and be a kid again and try to start this all thing over again. Maybe change things. I don't know. Would anything be different? What would I change if I COULD things?
I don't know. But here's what I DO know: The living dead exist. Need proof? Look into my eyes. There's your proof.