(no subject)
I'm really not all that sure how to take the end of the year. A part of me is sad to see everyone go, and knows that we all can't really keep talking to eachother during college. Some of us are destined to float apart, while others desperately try to keep in contact. Who will I still be talking to? Probably not passing faces. I know I'll try to keep in contact with my really close friends, who I classify as people I see outside of school, too. Heck, if I want to see you outside of school, you're good. Anyhow, prom is coming up, which is just another 'last.' We just had our last Friday lunch. This'll be our last formal high school dance. I'm in the All Honors thing at Buff State, which hosts a rather expensive dance at some point in time, so I know it's not really my last formal. Just my last one surrounded by the friends I know now. Yes, a bunch of goodbyes that I don't want to make, especially to my teachers. I know I'll be crying. But, the other side of me is going, "Hell yeah! Rockin'' out of high school, don't need to be monitored and babysat anymore! The world finally realizes that I'm capable of fending for myself!" Which is of course subdued by the eventual job-searching, getting a license, going into college, having a boyfriend, that whole thing. And, that small part of me asks if maybe I can go back to high school, just for a bit.
So, on Friday, I had to say goodbye to Mr. Scaduto, my drawing&painting/illustration teacher. He's having surgery soon, so he's leaving a week early. Of course we had the typical, "good luck, stay safe" partings, but he told me to keep up with my art because I really have something. I know I do. I'm just not sure exactly what to do with it. Sure, I draw more for the sake of myself, but I always wanted to do something a bit more with it. Maybe not necessarily make a living off of it, because then it's a job more than a passtime. But just something.
It also made me think about music. I have a little ocarina (looky here) that I love to death.
I also have a flute that I don't really know how to play, and want to learn the keyboard (since we don't have a piano). I have little idea how to read sheet music, but I didn't need that to learn a few short songs on the ocarina. I play by ear. Music is another thing that I really want to work on, and have a skill or something else to love and keep with me. Writing is also in the same boat with art and music. I've been trying to work on that, but nothing really takes root. The stories are like saplings, if we really want an image. Small versions of something that could be much grander.
I've realized that I have terrible self-confidence, and at the same time, I'm comfortable. I just sit back and accept what I have, and at the same time, dislike it. I say, I'm not pretty, but I'm tolerable. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny, or at least where I want to be.
Prime example: I was walking home from school the other day, and someone whistled at me. I didn't think, " ^//^ Wow, someone thinks I'm pretty," just that they were making fun of me. They wanted to give me a false boost of confidence, have a laugh, and get on with their lives. Then, I passed a cute guy on Parker, but my eyes were glued to the sidewalk, and all I could think was, "I look like a mess. I don't like this shirt. He's probably going to be disappointed once he's right next to me, and then thank God he'll be walking away by then." But, this isn't to say I always think like that. I do have my pretty days, where I feel somewhat unbeatable. Those are usually in the fall or winter when I can pull out a sweet coat or two, and hide inside of it. Honestly, what makes me think like that? No one tells me otherwise. None of my friends have ever said I was ugly, or needed to lose weight. On the contrary, they tell me I'm thin and lovely and wonderful. So why can't I think of myself that way?
Maybe it's that I don't want to be a stuck-up snobbish prick. Though, with the way those girls look and behave, it's like they're desperately trying to make up for what mother nature failed to bestow on them. And I really don't get that. Girls who are undoubtedly, typically pretty in one way or another flock together in their orange-tan goodness. How can they look at themselves and not think they're attractive (if they're not orange and wearing oodles of eyeliner)? If guys drool on their shoes over these girls, makes absolute fools out of themselves in front of them, it must be pretty obvious that these girls are pretty and desirable in some subjective way. So, let's assume the point gets across, and the girls can giggle to themselves in their newfound glory. You know you're magazine-material gorgeous. You can pretty much get any guy you want. You've ingratiated yourself within the proper social circles, making you one step ahead of everyone. With that confidence comes a vanity and obnoxious attitude that everyone can see, and most hate. Everyday, you can see the drama breaking out between these girls. They're all stabbing someone in the back. I know most of this can be applied to most social circles, but in comparison to mine, we're tame. I don't get it. Why do you have to be such a cat when the main concern of a teenager has been taken care of? You're stick thin and naturally beautiful, what more do you want?
Besides a brain.
So, I'm sitting here, and I know my weekend is basically shot. Government project, econ project, photo stuff to take care of. I really just wanted one weekend that I could use to sleep and enjoy myself. I'm so sick of being in a place that tells me to put away my cell phone and iPod because I might be disturbing someone. Yeah, because in the lunch room, I might distract the game of ultimate ping-pong to my right, causing a stray ball to ricochet off of someone's eye. Really, I pay attention in my classes. Not like there's anything to pay attention to now. english, we're watching movies. Government, we'll be looking at projects, basically. Before that, it was watching The West Wing, which is actually a really good show. I didn't know about it because I'm basically isolated from anything television-related unless it has something to do with the Travel Channel or a commercial I see passing by. The internet is my TV. I can tell you what the forums are riddled with, which, at the moment, are endless threads of stupidity, racism, intolerance, and Twilight fans. Simmer down, people. They'll probably mess up the movie in disgusting ways like they do with almost every movie based off a book.
New topic: Write your own damn screenplays! My God, Lord of the Rings was basically the only movie I've seen that was so true to the book. Yes, the elf dude died whose name escapes me doesn't actually die, and a few other details are askew, but the scenery! The work they put into detail and accuracy! The guys who made the chainmail no longer have thumbprints because of all their work. You can't really say that about other movies. Nothing is quite as epic as LoTR. Anyhow. -ahem- Yes! Write your own screenplays, because Eragon was so incredibly effed up, it wasn't worth seeing. Harry Potter, which I understand had to be skewed because someone of the books were so long, still took weird turns and just wrong plot developments. Whole chunks of the books were left out that could have been used to make things make sense, like the fact that James could turn into a stag, which makes Harry's Patronus quite significant in the third movie. It's never said that the Marauder's map was created by his dad and their gang. There are countless connections that are lost, ones that are deep. Gah.
I'm signing off. Paper work time and government project time. Fun wow.
So, on Friday, I had to say goodbye to Mr. Scaduto, my drawing&painting/illustration teacher. He's having surgery soon, so he's leaving a week early. Of course we had the typical, "good luck, stay safe" partings, but he told me to keep up with my art because I really have something. I know I do. I'm just not sure exactly what to do with it. Sure, I draw more for the sake of myself, but I always wanted to do something a bit more with it. Maybe not necessarily make a living off of it, because then it's a job more than a passtime. But just something.
It also made me think about music. I have a little ocarina (looky here) that I love to death.
I also have a flute that I don't really know how to play, and want to learn the keyboard (since we don't have a piano). I have little idea how to read sheet music, but I didn't need that to learn a few short songs on the ocarina. I play by ear. Music is another thing that I really want to work on, and have a skill or something else to love and keep with me. Writing is also in the same boat with art and music. I've been trying to work on that, but nothing really takes root. The stories are like saplings, if we really want an image. Small versions of something that could be much grander.
I've realized that I have terrible self-confidence, and at the same time, I'm comfortable. I just sit back and accept what I have, and at the same time, dislike it. I say, I'm not pretty, but I'm tolerable. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny, or at least where I want to be.
Prime example: I was walking home from school the other day, and someone whistled at me. I didn't think, " ^//^ Wow, someone thinks I'm pretty," just that they were making fun of me. They wanted to give me a false boost of confidence, have a laugh, and get on with their lives. Then, I passed a cute guy on Parker, but my eyes were glued to the sidewalk, and all I could think was, "I look like a mess. I don't like this shirt. He's probably going to be disappointed once he's right next to me, and then thank God he'll be walking away by then." But, this isn't to say I always think like that. I do have my pretty days, where I feel somewhat unbeatable. Those are usually in the fall or winter when I can pull out a sweet coat or two, and hide inside of it. Honestly, what makes me think like that? No one tells me otherwise. None of my friends have ever said I was ugly, or needed to lose weight. On the contrary, they tell me I'm thin and lovely and wonderful. So why can't I think of myself that way?
Maybe it's that I don't want to be a stuck-up snobbish prick. Though, with the way those girls look and behave, it's like they're desperately trying to make up for what mother nature failed to bestow on them. And I really don't get that. Girls who are undoubtedly, typically pretty in one way or another flock together in their orange-tan goodness. How can they look at themselves and not think they're attractive (if they're not orange and wearing oodles of eyeliner)? If guys drool on their shoes over these girls, makes absolute fools out of themselves in front of them, it must be pretty obvious that these girls are pretty and desirable in some subjective way. So, let's assume the point gets across, and the girls can giggle to themselves in their newfound glory. You know you're magazine-material gorgeous. You can pretty much get any guy you want. You've ingratiated yourself within the proper social circles, making you one step ahead of everyone. With that confidence comes a vanity and obnoxious attitude that everyone can see, and most hate. Everyday, you can see the drama breaking out between these girls. They're all stabbing someone in the back. I know most of this can be applied to most social circles, but in comparison to mine, we're tame. I don't get it. Why do you have to be such a cat when the main concern of a teenager has been taken care of? You're stick thin and naturally beautiful, what more do you want?
Besides a brain.
So, I'm sitting here, and I know my weekend is basically shot. Government project, econ project, photo stuff to take care of. I really just wanted one weekend that I could use to sleep and enjoy myself. I'm so sick of being in a place that tells me to put away my cell phone and iPod because I might be disturbing someone. Yeah, because in the lunch room, I might distract the game of ultimate ping-pong to my right, causing a stray ball to ricochet off of someone's eye. Really, I pay attention in my classes. Not like there's anything to pay attention to now. english, we're watching movies. Government, we'll be looking at projects, basically. Before that, it was watching The West Wing, which is actually a really good show. I didn't know about it because I'm basically isolated from anything television-related unless it has something to do with the Travel Channel or a commercial I see passing by. The internet is my TV. I can tell you what the forums are riddled with, which, at the moment, are endless threads of stupidity, racism, intolerance, and Twilight fans. Simmer down, people. They'll probably mess up the movie in disgusting ways like they do with almost every movie based off a book.
New topic: Write your own damn screenplays! My God, Lord of the Rings was basically the only movie I've seen that was so true to the book. Yes, the elf dude died whose name escapes me doesn't actually die, and a few other details are askew, but the scenery! The work they put into detail and accuracy! The guys who made the chainmail no longer have thumbprints because of all their work. You can't really say that about other movies. Nothing is quite as epic as LoTR. Anyhow. -ahem- Yes! Write your own screenplays, because Eragon was so incredibly effed up, it wasn't worth seeing. Harry Potter, which I understand had to be skewed because someone of the books were so long, still took weird turns and just wrong plot developments. Whole chunks of the books were left out that could have been used to make things make sense, like the fact that James could turn into a stag, which makes Harry's Patronus quite significant in the third movie. It's never said that the Marauder's map was created by his dad and their gang. There are countless connections that are lost, ones that are deep. Gah.
I'm signing off. Paper work time and government project time. Fun wow.