3 years behind and nothing to show....
somebody told me that iv been stuck in the past over the last 3 years of my life. that somehow me moving to tenn made my mindset stay in middle of highschool mode. not that im immature or anything just that i never gave room for the thoguht that after i left peopel changed.i knew they would but somehow somewhere i still felt i had a place to belong in their lifes as jimmy. i never wanted to be that great i just wanted to be and simply be known for being an ok guy that people can depend on and look up too. but as a 19 year old failure to almsot everything that life has had to throw at me i feel ...well..empty.i cant hold a girlfriend cuase everytime i get near one i despise being near then and when im away from them i crave being close to them. over the past 2 weeks things have been sliding into a certain place. i mean looking back i find so many clues over the years in tenn and in ga that say that i should have made a differnt choice. i should have done this or not done that. but now these signs arnt saying what i should have done and what i should not have done. they basicly say that im gone and i missed all chances for a foothold. maybe its just me but i stare at a wall and see my past. i really dont like who i am and what iv done. i ask why didnt i ask her out? or why did i not stand up for myself. somehow with all these things that i read about from these people's life's i find that im gone. all traces have been comepletly eroded with time. now dont get me wrong. im not asking for people to give a shout out for things on this cuase that completely defeats the perpose. and i dont mean for this to at all sound bad towards any of the names that i put down in here cause they are all just examples to small things that i have noticed. i dont know somehow i just never thougth life would go on without me. not their lifes but mine. my life went on without me. that sounds really stupid. i know i should be over people liek ryan and WAY over people like sami and i completly am. i dont like them in the same way nor do i think i could ever. its just for some odd reason i get this strange feeling when i think of these people actully moving on with thier lifes. i know this is all coming out badly and not at all the way i mean it to sound. i have the problem. so many problems.i see all these people finding themselfs. becomeing the people that they are going to be for the rest of their lifes. still going out and having fun but in a differnt way. no longer are these peopel going to skating rings or bowling. but out to dorms and drinking. smoking up and having sex.and i feel stupid cuase out of them all i cant find where im supposed to be. who im supposed to be. who i need and who i dont. this weekend the devorce is final and i see my dad falling apart and dying. and i see myself in him. trusting all the wrong people being somebody im not and giving away everythign that matterd for a person that i dont really know or want to know. i cant seem to do anything good these days. im lazy i know but i mean most simple things. thigns that go so easy for other people.the same peopel that are going on to collage now are getting near the end of their collage and i find myslef 3 years back waiting for my senior year that just never seems to come. that final year that you know what you are made of and what you will become and what you are good at. i thgouth it was music but i jsut cant seem to do that these days. i play alot yeah but what goods song that nobody hears. what good a talent that gets you nowhere unless you are lucky. we all know iv never had that kind of luck on my side....i see myself on a path that i cant go back on. welcome to life jimmy. you are alone. you have no skills for the real world. and you are in debt already becuase of other family members taking control of your life. i see marcus finding out this whole new side of himself. finding out how great thigns can be and making his way through life. i see zac working at a job that he migh tnot like but living alone in atlanta and being an all around guy with a long lasting relationship with a great gal. i see megan finding herself and getting ready fro collage life. i see jessi doign great with her guy and going through collage with ease and i see sara doing everythign that she likes and being just great. and i always felt i woudl be the guy that everybody calls up to hang out with and id be that guy that might not go as far as the rest but keeps up. and without knowing it i became that guy that will will at the movie theater when hes 30. ....my name is james story im 19 with no licence no job very high dreams and hopes that are of all types of things that will never work and im a failure. is it cuase im a bit more emotional then other guys? im not a manly man i know but why do peopel feel they can just push me around. and i let them. theres so many thigns to do and im more then 3 years behind on so many of them. i have my mind in the past in so many differnt ways it hurts.in my dreasm i see everythign i did wrong in elm school and middle school. in the day i see everything i did wrong in highschool and other things. and then it hits me each day that my dads goign to die soon my mother is running away form the family and taking all the money with her to start over. and my sister is lucky that she ran far enough away to not see it all. i watch my life and everybody elses go on and i cant seem to push myself to stop it ever to step in and do something right. i cant seem to look people in the face and tell them i like them or dont like what they are doing or get the nerve to start up a real band or do anything. i have nothign and nothing to show for it.i have so many years of regreat for so many things and no matter how hard i try at certain things i cant seem to get my foot hold on anything important. in fact me crying and typing all this is yet anothing that that goes in the direction of where i dont want to be and who i dont want to be.i feel that the best thing i can do is leave. just leave. not tell anybody where im going except maybe 2 or 3 peopel and jsut go and try to build it all from scratch. but i know id regreat so much more if i did. but at the same time i feel that half wouldnt even miss me till they got a few of their friends angry and needed a person to talk to abotu it. that is what im here for after all. its what i have always been here for. just for you peopel to call up when you pissed a few peopel off or are upset or somethign and need somebody to talk to about it. then your off again without a thank you or a see you next week or anything. its alwyas been liek that. i feel that if i left tongiht and ran away to ga to live on the street i would. and id find a job or two and try my hardest to start again there.but i cant go back to school id only fail. thats not me being negative i just cant write papers and collage is all abotu you writing alot....liek righ tnow im kinda with somebdoy but i feel that i shouldnt be. that it shoudlnt be at all. that i should ether be alone or with somebody else not cause shes bad or anythign just cause its whats probably best. and shes awsome shes actully downright damn good person thats close to a certain side of me. shes alot more caring then alot of the people that i have been with. but everytime i find a gal that i kinda like these words that marcus once siad to me come hounting back. "some people just exist from day to day never really living at all. just kinda drifting along." and "dont ever just settle for the "well shes ok" girl. cause thats just wasting everybodys time."..... im empty. i feel iv reached a point wher ei ether do or dont. and everythign that goes along with the "do" portion feels like its hit a limit that i cant seem to pass. such as my music. kinda liek ehan ryan stopped doing ddr cause she couldnt see that she was getting better at it....(and yet THERE is another example tha tmy mind is still in the past)...i mgiht be at that spot for my music. roughyl 6 years of guitar. it sounds liek aot and not alot at the same time. and im good at guitar dont get me wrong, ill admit that. but on a scale of every otehr music perosn i knwo iim still near the bottom. 6 years isnt enough to do anythign good when it comes to me i guess....i need to get better and try hard at making it big with music. cause if not i have nothign else. and i cant grow old in this shit hole state of tenn or the personal state that im in. i will kill myself before i end up like that guy. you can make that a promise. but i still cant find what i am, who i am, where imsupposed to be. what im supposed to do. i shoudl have seen these thigns YEARS ago but i just couldnt. i can hope that the saying abotu the "last blossom is the best" but can that really be used in my situation? im more along the lines of "the smartest retard can still try to live life like normies.".....back on empty....my dads been tryign to drink since the call about the court date for the devorce. i dont have much alcohol left but he says he needs it....each day he hurts more and more in his chest and his heart. through it all hes becomeing a walking dead man and everybody can see it. i feel so bad for him that i cant help him. but im kinda afriad that by just touching him i will be liek him. anothing thing i cant stand abotu myself.....completly emtpy now....which means im going to go...try to get a few hours of sleep before i try to go get my life time job at mcdonalds............"on my own, here we go"