This gets deep. Be forewarned.
There is so much newness is my life right now that I can barely comprehend it.
All that's visibly changed though is my job -- who knew how huge that could be? No more managing, and I swear to myself at this moment that never again will I work 6 AM shifts -- in conclusion, neither of these things are worth the stress (or interpersonal madness). It seems like I'm making my current life all about de-stressing -- which I need badly...
I haven't decided if I'm going to Portland, yet.
I'm really enjoying my new job at Allandale Farm. It's much more varied and relaxed, and I'm getting paid less, but it's okay. Just being outdoors and around new people is giving me some new things to think about and a new-ish perspective. I'm still confused about what I want to do next... I finally confronted someone about my feelings for him, and it didn't work out... but I feel glad because it's ended up giving me some much needed freedom from a problem that I'd sort of been obsessing about.
I have a crush on someone at work, which is bad news, but at least it's fun. We've barely talked yet though, so who knows. I only know a few things about him, but I noticed today he wears a ring on his hand, so chances are he's taken. I really do feel like I'm the only single person in the world sometimes. I keep telling myself to enjoy it, because one day I won't be and I'll look back in nostalgia at single-hood and pure freedom. I know it... this is how my brain works.
But it's still hard, and lonely.
And I'm missing music. But I'm not missing the scene. I don't know... I keep trying to find ways to fit the Whitehaus back into my life, but maybe the truth is that it just doesn't fit anymore. I want one-on-one time and deep conversations... I just can't into this shit anymore. I'm tired of going to parties, tired of talking about the same old shit (feels like endless circles of work, sarcasm, banter). Where's the real stuff? It's not that I don't want to relax and have fun. It's just, most of these people, who are just about the only friends I really have in this town, don't even have a clue about the most important things in my life right now.
And I guess I probably don't know the important things in theirs, either.
I want to move on, but I just feel too scared to... the more I stay here, I feel like I'm slipping back into old habits and not moving forward in the ways that I want to. I don't think it's too much to want friends that I have more common interests with...
I'm really enjoying my meditation workshop, and just hearing about other people's experiences and knowing that we're all in it together is really helpful. Most of them are much older than I am, and on the surface it looks like they have it way worse than I do. There's a veteran from Iraq and a couple of people with intense physical pain and chronic illness. The teacher is amazing though, and inspires me to come every week. Even his life story is amazing... he's from Spain and just hearing him talk about his wife and his traveling and teaching is incredible.
And again reminds me of how limiting my current life feels.
I don't want to look back and have regrets about what I was afraid to do. (Like, people have said to me so many times it's the things you don't do that you regret, not the things you do). Maybe it's a cliché but it's so true, even when you get hurt, you have that experience to treasure and learn from.
He said when he was 12 his father told him, "You're never going to amount to anything in this life." Forty years later, his father said "I envy you. You've done everything I dreamed of but didn't have the courage to do."
He talked about how often we carry around other people's pain as if it's our own... and I thought about Morgan saying all the shit that he said to me, and how much I carry that around still, and how even though I know this, it's good to be reminded that he said those things because of his own pain and problems, not because of some flaw or inadequacy that I have. And so it sort of loses its weight when you think of it that way.
Anyway. Eating lots of salad and fresh arugula and radishes from the farm. And cheese. Wonderful!
All that's visibly changed though is my job -- who knew how huge that could be? No more managing, and I swear to myself at this moment that never again will I work 6 AM shifts -- in conclusion, neither of these things are worth the stress (or interpersonal madness). It seems like I'm making my current life all about de-stressing -- which I need badly...
I haven't decided if I'm going to Portland, yet.
I'm really enjoying my new job at Allandale Farm. It's much more varied and relaxed, and I'm getting paid less, but it's okay. Just being outdoors and around new people is giving me some new things to think about and a new-ish perspective. I'm still confused about what I want to do next... I finally confronted someone about my feelings for him, and it didn't work out... but I feel glad because it's ended up giving me some much needed freedom from a problem that I'd sort of been obsessing about.
I have a crush on someone at work, which is bad news, but at least it's fun. We've barely talked yet though, so who knows. I only know a few things about him, but I noticed today he wears a ring on his hand, so chances are he's taken. I really do feel like I'm the only single person in the world sometimes. I keep telling myself to enjoy it, because one day I won't be and I'll look back in nostalgia at single-hood and pure freedom. I know it... this is how my brain works.
But it's still hard, and lonely.
And I'm missing music. But I'm not missing the scene. I don't know... I keep trying to find ways to fit the Whitehaus back into my life, but maybe the truth is that it just doesn't fit anymore. I want one-on-one time and deep conversations... I just can't into this shit anymore. I'm tired of going to parties, tired of talking about the same old shit (feels like endless circles of work, sarcasm, banter). Where's the real stuff? It's not that I don't want to relax and have fun. It's just, most of these people, who are just about the only friends I really have in this town, don't even have a clue about the most important things in my life right now.
And I guess I probably don't know the important things in theirs, either.
I want to move on, but I just feel too scared to... the more I stay here, I feel like I'm slipping back into old habits and not moving forward in the ways that I want to. I don't think it's too much to want friends that I have more common interests with...
I'm really enjoying my meditation workshop, and just hearing about other people's experiences and knowing that we're all in it together is really helpful. Most of them are much older than I am, and on the surface it looks like they have it way worse than I do. There's a veteran from Iraq and a couple of people with intense physical pain and chronic illness. The teacher is amazing though, and inspires me to come every week. Even his life story is amazing... he's from Spain and just hearing him talk about his wife and his traveling and teaching is incredible.
And again reminds me of how limiting my current life feels.
I don't want to look back and have regrets about what I was afraid to do. (Like, people have said to me so many times it's the things you don't do that you regret, not the things you do). Maybe it's a cliché but it's so true, even when you get hurt, you have that experience to treasure and learn from.
He said when he was 12 his father told him, "You're never going to amount to anything in this life." Forty years later, his father said "I envy you. You've done everything I dreamed of but didn't have the courage to do."
He talked about how often we carry around other people's pain as if it's our own... and I thought about Morgan saying all the shit that he said to me, and how much I carry that around still, and how even though I know this, it's good to be reminded that he said those things because of his own pain and problems, not because of some flaw or inadequacy that I have. And so it sort of loses its weight when you think of it that way.
Anyway. Eating lots of salad and fresh arugula and radishes from the farm. And cheese. Wonderful!