Screw all my friends, they're all full of shit.
It's so difficult these days for me to complete things. I feel uninspired and empty, but like I am coping okay with life. I don't know how those two things are existing and not conflicting in me. I spent the last week in California and it was hard to leave; to say goodbye to the things I call home, and Adam, the person who I'm supposed to call home. My parents, the ground, my house, sit-down dinners. I keep thinking about the impermanence of everything, instead of the permanence. We always think home is something that we can always go back to, but the reality is that it's not. Nobody stays forever, and who can blame them? The thought of my childhood home ever being different, rebuilt, remodeled, demolished, the surroundings touched by feathers or strangers makes my veins twist. But if I've learned anything over the past two years, it's how quickly things change and reassemble, a kind of tumbleweed of a thing, that just keeps rolling.
You steer, but don't really know where you're going. You hit fences and open fields and gather things like a snowball, only to have them fall away. And you gather more things. And the most important ones, lessons, or people, or knowledge, or inventions, or memory; well, I'm trying to keep them close.
I'm in my last real semester of college, and just rocking between being so happy, grateful, and proud, to feeling awful, tormented, scared, and attached. For somebody who can be so stuck on nostalgia, I've never felt this way about any school, or any place. As much as I hate my school and at least 50% of what it stands for, it is special. It isn't ordinary, and as much as I try I can't really feel anything ordinary about it. Maybe a lot of it is anger, and frustration, but it stirs my emotions on a daily basis. It makes me feel so much. I don't know what I'm going to do next, and while I know it is just the general post-graduate anxiety settling into my system, it doesn't make it any less there. Suddenly the thought of moving on is real, and it's heavy, but I want to be confident that I can turn it into something positive.
I am just seriously questioning life. What's important, what's not? It's not like we all don't already know. It's just getting those things to come out in the open where we can see them, and acknowledge them. I don't know if music is important, and that freaks me out, because I have never considered this before. Ever. Is it worth considering? It's just been nagging at me for awhile, and I haven't paid very much attention to it. I have never seriously considered that maybe I'm just not good enough, or that I don't have anything special to say, or any special way to say it. Is that worth considering?
So maybe I will write a book or something.
PS: It's not all bad. Things are lookin alright.
You steer, but don't really know where you're going. You hit fences and open fields and gather things like a snowball, only to have them fall away. And you gather more things. And the most important ones, lessons, or people, or knowledge, or inventions, or memory; well, I'm trying to keep them close.
I'm in my last real semester of college, and just rocking between being so happy, grateful, and proud, to feeling awful, tormented, scared, and attached. For somebody who can be so stuck on nostalgia, I've never felt this way about any school, or any place. As much as I hate my school and at least 50% of what it stands for, it is special. It isn't ordinary, and as much as I try I can't really feel anything ordinary about it. Maybe a lot of it is anger, and frustration, but it stirs my emotions on a daily basis. It makes me feel so much. I don't know what I'm going to do next, and while I know it is just the general post-graduate anxiety settling into my system, it doesn't make it any less there. Suddenly the thought of moving on is real, and it's heavy, but I want to be confident that I can turn it into something positive.
I am just seriously questioning life. What's important, what's not? It's not like we all don't already know. It's just getting those things to come out in the open where we can see them, and acknowledge them. I don't know if music is important, and that freaks me out, because I have never considered this before. Ever. Is it worth considering? It's just been nagging at me for awhile, and I haven't paid very much attention to it. I have never seriously considered that maybe I'm just not good enough, or that I don't have anything special to say, or any special way to say it. Is that worth considering?
So maybe I will write a book or something.
PS: It's not all bad. Things are lookin alright.