BURRRRR
its december now... its cold...
I start work at walmart today at 3... yay, now i have a job to ocupy all the time i didnt have before... but i need the money...
I feel like shit, and i cant explain why... its very frustrating... I dont feel in control anymore, i feel like all the crap that has ever gone wrong in my life is pushing me along so that i dont just stop and give up...
Last weekend was crap... wed, found out my great grandma died... thurs, heather basically freaked at me... fri, i got punched and choked while trying to get an unwelcome drunk to leave... sat, got drunk and dont remember pissing everyone off but i guess i did...
fun huh?
wow i have such an eventful life... hey atleast when i lived at home i could sorta blame it on my dad... but now i can only blame it on myself because i dont take the intiative to make it better... i am a loser and i know it, i dont understand why anyone talks to me as it is...
i have one person saying they are gonna set me up with someone they know, and i have another person saying they are gonna set me up with someone else... i dont know one of the people, yet i called her and prolly fucked up any chance i may have possibly had... the other person is like 15 or 16... thats too young i think...
why am i even writing this? its not like anyone reads it... who would want to read about me bitching about how crappy my life is?
heres a mini sinopsys of my life to date...
i grew up in a home with an abusive father, who thinks i ruined his life...
in 2nd or 3rd grade my cousins came to live with me, cause there mom wasnt very motherly so to speak...
so there i was, living with 3 siblings a father who didnt care and a mother who worked 24/7
as i got older, more and more stuff was able to be blamed on me, whether it was my fault or not... i got blamed for EVERYTHING, and my sisters occasionally shared the blame...
constantly in trouble at school, bad grades, and fights... led to more hardships at home...
finally got to HS... guess what i still got no friends at this time and im a nerd... yay for me... er not
around senior year i finally make a few good friends... and fucked up with that too... mistake #1 i dated both of them... mistake #2 i fell in love... mistake #3 i helped other friends and caused a fight with the ones i dated... mistake #4 getting jealous... and then i graduate...
summer of 2004... i finally have my FIRST JOB EVER... i continue to fight with friends... make new friends... lose EVERYONE... get depressed get friends back... get slightly happy... get lots of bad news in a 2 week period... met an awesome girl... found out she didnt like me... got depressed, became her friend, and continued to try with her... no luck... became friends with her roomate... piss her off... and now we come to today...
wasnt that fun... oh and that wasnt even ANY of the bad stuff... so what now? do i go on trying to make the people i care about happy? do i give up on everyone and focus on myself? what???? i dont know what to do? i fucked up my life and i cant fix it... i dunno where to begin to fix it... so waht should i do?
first things first... im single and i dont care... if someone wants to set me up with someone, they can go for it... if someone likes me and wants to ask me out, why not? but i will not ask anyone out... i will not tell anyone i like them even... cause all that does is cause myself more stress...
after that, i dunno... i guess in the past year, ive been too focused on why im still single to even think about anything else... thats over now... i dunno if i myself will change as a person, and im actually scared to find out who/what i might become because i dont know what to do with my life... but all i know is that something has to change before i have to check myself into a hospital for going crazy...
maybe i just need to find a good dr, and get medicated... maybe i need to just seclude myself from the rest of humanity for a while... somethings gonna happen, and for anyone who doesnt like it, i will appologize here and now...
this may be my last entry in this journal for a very long time
I start work at walmart today at 3... yay, now i have a job to ocupy all the time i didnt have before... but i need the money...
I feel like shit, and i cant explain why... its very frustrating... I dont feel in control anymore, i feel like all the crap that has ever gone wrong in my life is pushing me along so that i dont just stop and give up...
Last weekend was crap... wed, found out my great grandma died... thurs, heather basically freaked at me... fri, i got punched and choked while trying to get an unwelcome drunk to leave... sat, got drunk and dont remember pissing everyone off but i guess i did...
fun huh?
wow i have such an eventful life... hey atleast when i lived at home i could sorta blame it on my dad... but now i can only blame it on myself because i dont take the intiative to make it better... i am a loser and i know it, i dont understand why anyone talks to me as it is...
i have one person saying they are gonna set me up with someone they know, and i have another person saying they are gonna set me up with someone else... i dont know one of the people, yet i called her and prolly fucked up any chance i may have possibly had... the other person is like 15 or 16... thats too young i think...
why am i even writing this? its not like anyone reads it... who would want to read about me bitching about how crappy my life is?
heres a mini sinopsys of my life to date...
i grew up in a home with an abusive father, who thinks i ruined his life...
in 2nd or 3rd grade my cousins came to live with me, cause there mom wasnt very motherly so to speak...
so there i was, living with 3 siblings a father who didnt care and a mother who worked 24/7
as i got older, more and more stuff was able to be blamed on me, whether it was my fault or not... i got blamed for EVERYTHING, and my sisters occasionally shared the blame...
constantly in trouble at school, bad grades, and fights... led to more hardships at home...
finally got to HS... guess what i still got no friends at this time and im a nerd... yay for me... er not
around senior year i finally make a few good friends... and fucked up with that too... mistake #1 i dated both of them... mistake #2 i fell in love... mistake #3 i helped other friends and caused a fight with the ones i dated... mistake #4 getting jealous... and then i graduate...
summer of 2004... i finally have my FIRST JOB EVER... i continue to fight with friends... make new friends... lose EVERYONE... get depressed get friends back... get slightly happy... get lots of bad news in a 2 week period... met an awesome girl... found out she didnt like me... got depressed, became her friend, and continued to try with her... no luck... became friends with her roomate... piss her off... and now we come to today...
wasnt that fun... oh and that wasnt even ANY of the bad stuff... so what now? do i go on trying to make the people i care about happy? do i give up on everyone and focus on myself? what???? i dont know what to do? i fucked up my life and i cant fix it... i dunno where to begin to fix it... so waht should i do?
first things first... im single and i dont care... if someone wants to set me up with someone, they can go for it... if someone likes me and wants to ask me out, why not? but i will not ask anyone out... i will not tell anyone i like them even... cause all that does is cause myself more stress...
after that, i dunno... i guess in the past year, ive been too focused on why im still single to even think about anything else... thats over now... i dunno if i myself will change as a person, and im actually scared to find out who/what i might become because i dont know what to do with my life... but all i know is that something has to change before i have to check myself into a hospital for going crazy...
maybe i just need to find a good dr, and get medicated... maybe i need to just seclude myself from the rest of humanity for a while... somethings gonna happen, and for anyone who doesnt like it, i will appologize here and now...
this may be my last entry in this journal for a very long time