MMM...a bottle all for me!
I always decide it's an unbelievably good idea to update my journal after I've have 6 glasses of wine all to myself.
I'm tired of being along. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm alone as some sort of choice...some sort of decision for personal growth. The truth of the matter is that I'm alone with no romantic relantionship, but more importantly no personal friendships. It scares me that it will always be like this. That I will always live alone....that I will learn to drink alone and eat alone and live a basically anonymous life on the internet.
I tell myself over and over again that drink is not a good idea. I get morose and start to cry when I'm left alone at the wee hours of the morning. I'm at my parents doing laundry. I feel pathetic. I feel sad. I feel like...like I should pass out and not worry about it. That I'll be able to bury these feelings behind a mask during the day.
I know that breaking up with him was the right thing to do. I held on to him for too long because I was afraid of having to face my life without friends. But here I am. I'm happier being unmiserable without him that being miserable with him....(thank you myrna for that bit of insight). But I'm still sad. And I'm ranting. I'm saying the same thing over and over. It's like this all consuming feeling.
I want so badly to have someone to just talk to and make a trip to Target with. I don't even want a romantic relationship. I just want a friendship.
I had all these friends when I was with him, and I haven't spoken to a single person since we broke up. I feel betrayed. Why did they even try to pretend to be my friend. Or was it only me that pretended? Have I been alone this entire time?
I go out with my brother and I just feel placated. Like he lets me hang out with him. But they still aren't there because of me....I'm still leaching off of someone else. I just don't know. I don't know how to make my own friends. I had these ppl that I attended school with. Now that school is over. I haven't heard from any of them. Maybe I distanced myself from them to try to build something with the ex. But it clearly backfired. And now the ex even got custody of those people. And I'm still left alone. I don't even want to attempt a friendship with the ex because even though he offers it, I feel so desperate. If that is the only friend I can have, I'd rather not have any. That level of desperation isn't healthy. Especially when he still wants to be with me. It's a open door waiting for me to feel badly enough about myself that I'm willing to just give in and accept unhappiness for the sake of appearing to be with someone.
I should just go to sleep. I spend half my life sleeping in an attempt to forget how much it hurts. I just don't want to be so alone.....
I'm tired of being along. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm alone as some sort of choice...some sort of decision for personal growth. The truth of the matter is that I'm alone with no romantic relantionship, but more importantly no personal friendships. It scares me that it will always be like this. That I will always live alone....that I will learn to drink alone and eat alone and live a basically anonymous life on the internet.
I tell myself over and over again that drink is not a good idea. I get morose and start to cry when I'm left alone at the wee hours of the morning. I'm at my parents doing laundry. I feel pathetic. I feel sad. I feel like...like I should pass out and not worry about it. That I'll be able to bury these feelings behind a mask during the day.
I know that breaking up with him was the right thing to do. I held on to him for too long because I was afraid of having to face my life without friends. But here I am. I'm happier being unmiserable without him that being miserable with him....(thank you myrna for that bit of insight). But I'm still sad. And I'm ranting. I'm saying the same thing over and over. It's like this all consuming feeling.
I want so badly to have someone to just talk to and make a trip to Target with. I don't even want a romantic relationship. I just want a friendship.
I had all these friends when I was with him, and I haven't spoken to a single person since we broke up. I feel betrayed. Why did they even try to pretend to be my friend. Or was it only me that pretended? Have I been alone this entire time?
I go out with my brother and I just feel placated. Like he lets me hang out with him. But they still aren't there because of me....I'm still leaching off of someone else. I just don't know. I don't know how to make my own friends. I had these ppl that I attended school with. Now that school is over. I haven't heard from any of them. Maybe I distanced myself from them to try to build something with the ex. But it clearly backfired. And now the ex even got custody of those people. And I'm still left alone. I don't even want to attempt a friendship with the ex because even though he offers it, I feel so desperate. If that is the only friend I can have, I'd rather not have any. That level of desperation isn't healthy. Especially when he still wants to be with me. It's a open door waiting for me to feel badly enough about myself that I'm willing to just give in and accept unhappiness for the sake of appearing to be with someone.
I should just go to sleep. I spend half my life sleeping in an attempt to forget how much it hurts. I just don't want to be so alone.....