Trying to chill on so many levels
It's been a little while~ but hooray for having internet at my new apartment. I think the timing is really good. I can get a little more out. The last few days have been insane. I felt emotional, which made me cry, which then made me feel sick, which all together made me feel even worse. To have so much hit at once was just crippling, emotionally, and I hope to not go through it again any time soon. I still have this big dark cloud around me, but at least I don't feel like there are bolts of lightning coming out of it and hitting me anymore.
Biggest part of this round of extreme upset-ness was Bud. Talking with Chris the other day I realized how much I had cared about Bud, and how hard I had worked to hold that back for so many reasons. It was harsh. The harsher part was that I called Bud the next day and actually got a hold of him, then pretty much got the cold shoulder. Ouch. Shocked me to have to deal with that just after all the crying I had done the night before over him (amongst other things). It is now hard to be alone; I feel almost like a zombie who could cry at any moment. Maybe a vacation would be nice. I dunno. I feel like in general I just don't know what to do. I'm so used to actively fixing my problems, that when I run into something like this where I really just have to wait it out... well it makes things more upsetting and harder to deal with.
Biggest part of this round of extreme upset-ness was Bud. Talking with Chris the other day I realized how much I had cared about Bud, and how hard I had worked to hold that back for so many reasons. It was harsh. The harsher part was that I called Bud the next day and actually got a hold of him, then pretty much got the cold shoulder. Ouch. Shocked me to have to deal with that just after all the crying I had done the night before over him (amongst other things). It is now hard to be alone; I feel almost like a zombie who could cry at any moment. Maybe a vacation would be nice. I dunno. I feel like in general I just don't know what to do. I'm so used to actively fixing my problems, that when I run into something like this where I really just have to wait it out... well it makes things more upsetting and harder to deal with.