My Spirit Is Broken.
Today my grandmother called me upstairs. She told me to bring a pen and paper. After sitting me down at the table and making me wait for 15 minutes, she came over and started a discussion.
"Write down all of the benefits you have by living here." I started to but she stopped me, "Say them out loud first. I want both of us to hear them out loud." I did so and she stopped me again, "Say them out loud and then write them down. Slowly." I did so. In order to appease her, I was thorough.
"Now write down all of the things that you think I need to work on?" I didn't want to insult her, so I just put one--I needed more of a warning when she needed to do things. I could have put down a lot more, but I wanted to be done with the conversation.
"Now write down all of the benefits I have by you living here." I could only really put down a couple. Some of the stuff she disagreed with, and I could not protest, because if I tried, I was being "sarcastic".
When the lists were done, she looked at me and said, "What do you notice about these lists? You're more of an inconvenience to me." She continued and basically told me that I was more trouble than I'm worth. She called me selfish. She called me lazy. "How many hours do you spend thinking about yourself compared to how many you spend thinking about me?" I asked if it included the time while I was at work and college. She said yes. Apparently I'm supposed to be constantly thinking about what I can do to make her life better. Even when I'm at work and at college. That's interesting because I thought I was supposed to come here to Utah to go to BYU and get an education. Not worry about what makes a crotchety and vindictive old bitch happy.
The lecture (I'd say conversation, but I couldn't talk without being "sarcastic") went on for at least an hour. The worst part was that I felt that she had a point. She was ruthless about it, though. Tactless. Brutal. I feel useless.
I wanted to be done with the conversation as fast as possible so I offered to make changes, despite all that I'd done before. Now I've got to be her slave every Thursday from 3 - 5 PM. That's my time to help her.
"Type this list out. Keep it near you at all times. When I ask you to do something, I want you to look at that list."
I told her afterwards that I needed to go drive for a bit. I went to FYE, my safe place, and called my parents. I told them that I wanted to transfer from BYU to UVU and live with some friends in Lehi. It'd only cost me like $220 a month and I'd be away from her. They flipped of course because going from BYU to UVU would be like dropping out of Stanford to go to Tunxis Community College. BYU might be strict and religious, but it's an established and well respected institution. I'm one of the high ups in the acting program. I have a future there.
Then my parents offered for me to go live with my other grandparents in Springville to live until I could find a more permanent living place. My mom would call my grandmother Jones and my father would call my grandmother Minor (whom I'm living with). I called a couple friends and talked to them for a bit. I told my brother, and he said, "Well, she's driven two grandsons off. I hope she's happy." I told Koterie to say that I'm on a Leave Of Absence.
My parents called me back and told me that they had been talking. My grandmother Jones was more than happy for me to come over, but they said that I needed to make the decision myself. Making a knee-jerk reaction would be final. If I left my gma's house, I'd never be able to come live with her again. I had to make sure that I was willing to give up what I had in favor of some place that I could hate more after three days. It was a really hard decision to make, but I decided that I needed to play my gma's little game. "Opportunity cost" my mother called it. Both of my parents were horrified at how my grandmother had humiliated me and couldn't believe her actions, but they said that I was making the right and adult decision. I said that I'm only going to stay as long as I get a new living location in April, as soon as the semester is over. We also decided that I would pay my grandmother rent every month. $100 would be enough according to them. The assured me that they loved me and that they were continuously and monumentally proud of me. I just kind of mumbled stuff back to them because I was in a broken stupor.
I came home slowly, crossed the street slowly, and handed my grandmother the check for January's rent. I also told her that after the semester, I'd find a new place to live. She wasn't really happy about it, but I just walked downstairs. I'm still kind of sitting here staring at the screen with a blank expression. I know I'll survive, but it will be hell for a while. I'd never known that it would hurt so much to have your spirit broken. I didn't choose this, neither did she. But we both have to deal with it. "You're living with a 75-year-old woman," she reminded me at least five times.
"Write down all of the benefits you have by living here." I started to but she stopped me, "Say them out loud first. I want both of us to hear them out loud." I did so and she stopped me again, "Say them out loud and then write them down. Slowly." I did so. In order to appease her, I was thorough.
"Now write down all of the things that you think I need to work on?" I didn't want to insult her, so I just put one--I needed more of a warning when she needed to do things. I could have put down a lot more, but I wanted to be done with the conversation.
"Now write down all of the benefits I have by you living here." I could only really put down a couple. Some of the stuff she disagreed with, and I could not protest, because if I tried, I was being "sarcastic".
When the lists were done, she looked at me and said, "What do you notice about these lists? You're more of an inconvenience to me." She continued and basically told me that I was more trouble than I'm worth. She called me selfish. She called me lazy. "How many hours do you spend thinking about yourself compared to how many you spend thinking about me?" I asked if it included the time while I was at work and college. She said yes. Apparently I'm supposed to be constantly thinking about what I can do to make her life better. Even when I'm at work and at college. That's interesting because I thought I was supposed to come here to Utah to go to BYU and get an education. Not worry about what makes a crotchety and vindictive old bitch happy.
The lecture (I'd say conversation, but I couldn't talk without being "sarcastic") went on for at least an hour. The worst part was that I felt that she had a point. She was ruthless about it, though. Tactless. Brutal. I feel useless.
I wanted to be done with the conversation as fast as possible so I offered to make changes, despite all that I'd done before. Now I've got to be her slave every Thursday from 3 - 5 PM. That's my time to help her.
"Type this list out. Keep it near you at all times. When I ask you to do something, I want you to look at that list."
I told her afterwards that I needed to go drive for a bit. I went to FYE, my safe place, and called my parents. I told them that I wanted to transfer from BYU to UVU and live with some friends in Lehi. It'd only cost me like $220 a month and I'd be away from her. They flipped of course because going from BYU to UVU would be like dropping out of Stanford to go to Tunxis Community College. BYU might be strict and religious, but it's an established and well respected institution. I'm one of the high ups in the acting program. I have a future there.
Then my parents offered for me to go live with my other grandparents in Springville to live until I could find a more permanent living place. My mom would call my grandmother Jones and my father would call my grandmother Minor (whom I'm living with). I called a couple friends and talked to them for a bit. I told my brother, and he said, "Well, she's driven two grandsons off. I hope she's happy." I told Koterie to say that I'm on a Leave Of Absence.
My parents called me back and told me that they had been talking. My grandmother Jones was more than happy for me to come over, but they said that I needed to make the decision myself. Making a knee-jerk reaction would be final. If I left my gma's house, I'd never be able to come live with her again. I had to make sure that I was willing to give up what I had in favor of some place that I could hate more after three days. It was a really hard decision to make, but I decided that I needed to play my gma's little game. "Opportunity cost" my mother called it. Both of my parents were horrified at how my grandmother had humiliated me and couldn't believe her actions, but they said that I was making the right and adult decision. I said that I'm only going to stay as long as I get a new living location in April, as soon as the semester is over. We also decided that I would pay my grandmother rent every month. $100 would be enough according to them. The assured me that they loved me and that they were continuously and monumentally proud of me. I just kind of mumbled stuff back to them because I was in a broken stupor.
I came home slowly, crossed the street slowly, and handed my grandmother the check for January's rent. I also told her that after the semester, I'd find a new place to live. She wasn't really happy about it, but I just walked downstairs. I'm still kind of sitting here staring at the screen with a blank expression. I know I'll survive, but it will be hell for a while. I'd never known that it would hurt so much to have your spirit broken. I didn't choose this, neither did she. But we both have to deal with it. "You're living with a 75-year-old woman," she reminded me at least five times.