real journal entry
so i have not been on here in years. literally, years. so here i am. and what do i have to say? well pretty much going to vent out a lot of piled up shit that i need to get out.
first, im freezing cold. i have an upset stomach i just found out i need b12 to fix, or just stop being stressed. i can't stop being stressed. especially with everything that's going on. i feel stuck. very very very very stuck. i feel alone, like no one actualy gives a shit. even the 2 ppl who say they do. i question if they really do. the one, i feel myself.....
Hmmm that was a old draft up top that popped up...figured why delete it. I know no one reads this...hell all my friends i used to have on here aren't friends with me anymore anyway so fuck it i'll say everything i feel like because now it is my own personal entry of aggravation, irritation, and just being DONE.
since i have moved to portland my life has gone down hill....majorly. I am now a god damn DANCER. I HATE DOING IT. but as of this moment i might as well fucking keep doing it for the remaining year til im 24 and can go to school and actually be somebody. respected. with that being said, I havent changed a whole lot. I have learned so much since moving up here....but my personality is the same, my attitude is the same, and i still have a heart. but for SOME reason every SINGLE person who i EVER used to know HATES me. why? why why why why WHY? what the fuck did i ever do to you? besides be there for you more that anyone even thought about or cared to think about. help you gain confidence in yourself and show you how to BE confident. Talked to you whenever you needed, no matter what the subject. never once judged you for any decisions you made. cared for you. was your best friend. ALWAYS had your back. loved you no matter what. treated you like the sister i thought we were. Now look at you....hating me for what? dancing? maybe....but seems to be a really shitty reason to turn your back on someone who simply freaked out and fell on hard times and when everyone abandon her she didnt see any other way..and you joined the crowd of abandoning me and quickly turned all those nice feelings into hate and disgust. i just dont understand.....
I start to think what im going to do.....maybe be heartless so i dont get burned like this? or just "keep being myself" and keep getting burned and backstabbed by so-called friends. if i did that at least my conscience would be clear. i have learned Im not like you....any of you. and for that I am glad i see your true side. because it clears up my understanding of who i am and who i DONT need in my life. I am very sorry you feel the need to judge someone you dont even talk to anymore....and refuse to talk to because you THINK they MAY have changed. So to put it very very lightly as to how i feel....FUCK YOU ALL. BITCHS AND ASSHOLES. a big FUCK YOU.
and for you....I am done with you pretending to not care about my job and say that we are still friends. you are such a liar and guess what, you always have been. Its very sad cuz i love you with all my heart and wish you could get past your grudge against me for god knows what that you are trying to hide for whatever reason. i know you say things behind my back...and we both know i never would say anything behind yours. you broke my heart as a friendship. you gave up on me as a friendship. you moved on and didnt look back. and thats not someone i want even PRETENDING to be a friend in my life.
pretty sure im moving out of state, changing my number, deleting all my online contact stuff, and leaving all this bullshit behind. i am so tired of all of this im physically, emotionally, mentally EXHAUSTED from all of this! you dont like me? great...dont like ya either. you dont wanna be around me? even better....best to watch my own back. you want to forget EVERYTHING I EVER DID FOR YOU? perfect....cuz you left me when i needed you the most.
first, im freezing cold. i have an upset stomach i just found out i need b12 to fix, or just stop being stressed. i can't stop being stressed. especially with everything that's going on. i feel stuck. very very very very stuck. i feel alone, like no one actualy gives a shit. even the 2 ppl who say they do. i question if they really do. the one, i feel myself.....
Hmmm that was a old draft up top that popped up...figured why delete it. I know no one reads this...hell all my friends i used to have on here aren't friends with me anymore anyway so fuck it i'll say everything i feel like because now it is my own personal entry of aggravation, irritation, and just being DONE.
since i have moved to portland my life has gone down hill....majorly. I am now a god damn DANCER. I HATE DOING IT. but as of this moment i might as well fucking keep doing it for the remaining year til im 24 and can go to school and actually be somebody. respected. with that being said, I havent changed a whole lot. I have learned so much since moving up here....but my personality is the same, my attitude is the same, and i still have a heart. but for SOME reason every SINGLE person who i EVER used to know HATES me. why? why why why why WHY? what the fuck did i ever do to you? besides be there for you more that anyone even thought about or cared to think about. help you gain confidence in yourself and show you how to BE confident. Talked to you whenever you needed, no matter what the subject. never once judged you for any decisions you made. cared for you. was your best friend. ALWAYS had your back. loved you no matter what. treated you like the sister i thought we were. Now look at you....hating me for what? dancing? maybe....but seems to be a really shitty reason to turn your back on someone who simply freaked out and fell on hard times and when everyone abandon her she didnt see any other way..and you joined the crowd of abandoning me and quickly turned all those nice feelings into hate and disgust. i just dont understand.....
I start to think what im going to do.....maybe be heartless so i dont get burned like this? or just "keep being myself" and keep getting burned and backstabbed by so-called friends. if i did that at least my conscience would be clear. i have learned Im not like you....any of you. and for that I am glad i see your true side. because it clears up my understanding of who i am and who i DONT need in my life. I am very sorry you feel the need to judge someone you dont even talk to anymore....and refuse to talk to because you THINK they MAY have changed. So to put it very very lightly as to how i feel....FUCK YOU ALL. BITCHS AND ASSHOLES. a big FUCK YOU.
and for you....I am done with you pretending to not care about my job and say that we are still friends. you are such a liar and guess what, you always have been. Its very sad cuz i love you with all my heart and wish you could get past your grudge against me for god knows what that you are trying to hide for whatever reason. i know you say things behind my back...and we both know i never would say anything behind yours. you broke my heart as a friendship. you gave up on me as a friendship. you moved on and didnt look back. and thats not someone i want even PRETENDING to be a friend in my life.
pretty sure im moving out of state, changing my number, deleting all my online contact stuff, and leaving all this bullshit behind. i am so tired of all of this im physically, emotionally, mentally EXHAUSTED from all of this! you dont like me? great...dont like ya either. you dont wanna be around me? even better....best to watch my own back. you want to forget EVERYTHING I EVER DID FOR YOU? perfect....cuz you left me when i needed you the most.