it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

[nauibabe]

It seems ironic that after so many laps, so many days of burning lungs, so many exhilarating victories and crushing defeats, after so many practices where i thought i would die, the thing that actually kills me giving it up. Quitting gives me a little relief, but it is the kind that you get when you've failed so you can now stop trying. Part of me is embarassed and shamed that i couldn't hold out and overcome the trials of basketball. Another, smaller part of me understands that quitting is the first truly courageous thing i've done since i joined the team freshman year. I don't think i ever had the commitment to be a varsity player. I love the game, but i have other things in my life, and basketball doesn't always come first. But if it were just this, i would wait to be kicked off. Basketball is supposed to be fun. It stopped being fun a while back. I spent more hours worrying about coach than i did actually playing. everyday was terrifying. What if i do something wrong? What if i'm sick or i have to miss practice? I couldn't even talk to her. I couldn't play the mind games either. If i said somehting she was upset about, i expected her to say it, not ignore me. The better i got, the guiltier i felt. I had to try harder, be better. I should stop eating so i could be thinner and faster and more in shape. I shouldn't take so many AP classes so i wouldn't miss basketball. My life revolved aorund keeping coach happy, all the while becoming more miserable myself. Every practice myself esteem suffered new blows and i felt worthless. I gave up the things i enjoyed so i could be more devoted to an activity that caused me so much pain. Whenever i worked up the courage to talk to coahc, i felt liek i was biegn mocked and yelled at. I went home and cried everyday after rpactice. I felt horrible that i had to miss a summer league game for my SATs. Fianlly i couldn't deal with it anymore. After spending hours contemplating it, it was over in a few seconds.

i walk in
coach: "Oh no, here we go again"
i want to run away "coach, i'm sorry this is hard to say"
coach gives me a look
"i can't make the commitment to this team that i need to"
coach: "i was going to let this summer thing go, but if you see other conflicts, maybe this is best."
"yeha, i'm sorry, i really love playing, it's just not fair to..."
"i know, i would have to try and not be mad at you, it just wouldn't work"
"okay"
"so were done now?"
"yeah"
"well don't be afraid to come talk to me"
I start to cry and don't stop until i get home.