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a lot has happened to me since i last visited this sacred place. actually, i have visited quite often, i just haven't written. any way, a lot has happened, and for the most part it hasn't been the funnest. in these few months, i feel like i have aged more than 10 years. weights have been put on me heavier than i have ever dealt with before. a deep secret was entrusted in me and my word was put to the test. i kept it inside for as long as i could before it got to be too much to handle, and i revealed it. it was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, but it was completely necessary, for the good of everyone. i ran the risk of losing someone dear, and i was terrified, but in the end it was the best thing to do. in fact, i didn't lose anyone but it brought me closer to them. even still, my heart took a toll. i nearly lost someone dear in another more real way in the case of my grandpa. in february, he underwent major liver surgery and was hospitalized for weeks. he was released to early after the procedure and developed an infection and became seriously ill. for about two weeks, all he did was get worse and worse, and i was terrified of what could have been. he just seemed to be deterierating, and it scared me. but he never gave up, and my family never stopped praying, and he slowly got better. he is actually really well now, but he isn't the same. i can see it in his eyes, they're weathered now, and mine seem to have changed too. since a few weeks after my birthday, i have been in a situation with my parents that i have been in before. i'm not sure exactly how, but i have lost some of there trust, and they seem to think that i want nothing to do with them. anyone who knows me, knows how much my family means to me, and i don't understand why they feel that way. it is really hard because for the first time in my life, i feel distant from them, and i don't like it. all this has chamged me, and i admit it. but it hasn't changed me so much that i can't related to anyone anymore. deep down i am still the same old me, i just think and live a little differently. i now take a little more time for myself and have learned that once in a while it is okay to be a little selfish. i've learned that i can't please everyone, and it's no use killing myself over trying to do so. but while i've learned these things, and they have changed me in there respective ways, and i feel like it is a good change, it seems to be making things worse. now, the one time that i take to be a little selfish, it bites me in the rear. now i am doing everything that i have never wanted to do. i am hurting everyone around me and pushing them away. i have lifted someome up so high, only to kick them down. i have hurt those dearest to me in ways that i don't even know. and..........sigh.........i have hurt you who are reading this. probably all of you, but two specifically who know who you are. i feel like such a bad person, no. i don't feel. i am. i don't understand how i can make people happy when i do so much to hurt them. i'm not worth they're time. they are all too good of people to have to put up with me. it seems like i always let this happen though. i'm the jerk. it's my fault and nobody else's. i take all the blame, because the fact is, i derserve it all. and it's mine, and ONLY mine to take. i take full responsibilty for al that i have done, but i don't know how to fix it. i don't know what to do. i'm so confused with everything. mostly myself. i'm not writing this with an ulterior motive. i don't want pitty. i don't want forgiveness. i don't expect anything out of this. i would completely understand if those of you who i have hurt would want nothing to do with me anymore. the only thing i ask is not to hate anyone but me. it is all my fault, all others have done is be good people that ican relate to just like i have with others of you. i have always had more than one best friend, and i still do. but now, i'm not going to lie, it is just more than two, and you are all equally dear to me. i love you all. you are all good people. its just me.