:,(
The night before court, which has to do with either evicting me, or reaching a settlement, I just started to bawl and bawl and bawl (much to Dan's chagrin) and I realized that the reason I feel heartsick when I think about having to move, is my kids. I raised my kids in that house. If I move, there will be no memories of them in the new place. Their rooms will be gone. The bannister that Dylan slid down every single day for years will be gone. (He never took the stairs to come down from his room. He always slid down the railing!) I just don't know how to get this across... I've lost everything and everyone that I truly love and care about, in the last 6 years. To lose my home, too... If I choose to move, that's one thing, but to have my home of 9 years taken from me by force, that's a mindfuck I can do without... And for those who think I'm keeping some poor family from a subsidized home, I'm not. My co-op is a combo of subsidies and market-rents, and whoever moved in to my place would be paying about $1200/month. And ironically, The Traitor on the Board, Gail, has somehow got her jerkoff son & his pregnant wife next in line for a three bedroom townhouse. He's been in arrears, so he isn't supposed to be bumped up in line. Just another reason I think she wants me out. He would get my house. The irony of that makes me ill.
Anyway, it's all very personal, and heartbreaking, and I don't talk about it much, because I know people don't understand why my kids don't live with me. If I could sum it up neatly in one post, I would... I have to try to not worry about being judged, and remember that those on lj (and in "real life") who know the situation, know that it should never have happened. I have truly been the victim of a witchhunt... One that reaches far and wide. It really defies all logic, but it's true. I suppose in fairness I should write it all down somewhere, so you can make up your own minds...
I have been profoundly depressed lately, struggling for reasons to live. I know it sounds so melodramatic, but I am really that despairing.
Something has to change.
I feel so incredibly pointless. .
.