Damn my sea legs!

[naught_a_bee]

I've spent too long being wishy-washy. And I even detest that onomatopoetic wording. Too much!
Addictions.
I smoke, I feel crappy. I don't ever enjoy the dizziness from nicotine.
Then I light another one. Yeck, why am I doing this?

It occupies a behavioral niche and gives me something to do with my hands.
A coping mechanism adopted to deal with a stressor that is no longer present.
Conditioning outlasting the environmental pressure. Me oh animal my.

I know that I'm better at this kind of thing. Dropping smoking, dropping other bad habits like waffling.
I have not lost my hard-won confidence and purpose...I've just misplaced it. It'll turn up any time now.

Meanwhile I'm getting some nausea from not being alone at sea any longer.
Alpha waves of ocean waves.
Why can't I relax already?

The pan pipes just get louder. Worthless ancient impulse that I cling to dearly.
Some part of me is ready for this contradiction to end. Thrashing, thrashing, flopping around on dry land.
But I am also quite deliriously, wonderfully content with where I'm at.
That may or may not be a good thing, because I have a lot of ambition.