Same story, different day.
I’m not here to save anyone.
I’m not even here to help.
I am provisional.
Ephemeral at best.
I will disappoint you again and again - you already know this.
I certainly do.
In a few months I am moving to the Boston area.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I were talking divorce, now at least once a day she asks me if I really want her to come with me. The move will do us both good, I believe. I reluctant to sell my house though, even though I believe I could get a good price on it with minimal repairs. There is no real worst case senary worth fearing with the move. I am nervous about the job but believe I can do it (yet have no idea how I actually got it). A small two-bedroom apartment is more than twice the cost of my mortgage for my 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 extra room home here. Flights are around $200 ($300 last minute) to any place I need to go though, so that’s good since I’ll have one partner in Ohio, one in Atlanta, and one here in Huntsville, as well as my children here.
I’ll be closer to my mother and sisters.
I’ll be able to take the train into NYC.
While the wife and I were talking divorce I found out my daughter was having issues and put-on 24-hour watch on her ship. She gave me some story about it all being blown out of proportion of some joke she told a crewmate that was essentially sexual harassment. The next day she wrote me again telling me she told her mother more and that she also gave her permission to tell me about it. Apparently, she’s been having mild auditory and visual hallucinations for the majority of her life, but now that she’s in the Navy and drinking more it’s getting worse. I think she spent the majority of her stay on shore in https://greekreporter.com/2021/12/30/uss-harry-s-truman-souda-bay-crete/>Crete bar hopping which I’m sure didn’t help any once she was back on duty. Last I heard they are going to drop her off on sore when they can, but with things escalating with Russia and the Ukraine right now I have no idea when that may happen.
During this period, I put things on hold with my partner(?) in Atlanta. Well… I tried to end things, but they wouldn’t let me (why do they never let me?). She questions my ability to be able to maintain four relationships, a new job, and moving to a city I have never even visited before. Her concerns are my concerns as well, but what do I do?
She wasn’t supposed to fall for me. So cold and such a protective shell with a history in the scene - just a façade.
What do I do?
I think I love equally. Friends and lovers a like. Oh, sure, I like some of them more than others at time, but that’s just how it goes. I’m never afraid of someone leaving me because I would rather they end things with me romantically than be someplace they don’t want to be. It’s also incredibly rare that a partner cuts me out of their life after we’ve ended things - we usually remain good friends and confidants, eventually at least.
I try to lay out expectations early, but they never stick.
I’m trying to be a better communicator. I’m also trying to get people to communicate better with me as well - to let me know exactly what it is they want and need from me so I can either provide that or let them know what I can. I find that a lot of times people don’t hear what I say even when I am being direct, or somewhere along the way their expectations change into something else, something more.
In the past 9 months I’ve lost over 100 lbs. I just ate two chicken wings and I’m so full I’m trying not to be sick. I hate this fucking surgery and would not recommend it to anyone unless it was required to save their life.
This pandemic has been weird. I feel like I have no close other than my partners. Having lost my best friend shortly into the pandemic I don’t really feel like I have anyone that I can talk to about a lot of things. Everyone wants to fix everything - but most things are fine being worked on or aren’t even broken in the first place.
And then I feel guilty over getting frustrated when a person just wants to help but won’t back off.
I miss friends.
In a few months I will move away, and I don’t think many will miss me, and it feels worse than dying.
I can’t wait.
Fun fact: all my “best friends” are either dead or want nothing to do with me anymore.
These are the red flags you should note of…
My words are the red flags you should heed.
No one ever listens and neither will any of you.
Baby, though I've closed my eyes
I know who you pretend I am
I know who you pretend I am