Whirlwind
Normally, I begin reflecting on atonement and Yom Kippur, forgiveness and the asking of it at least a week before the day actually gets here. Normally, mtolan and I walk down to the Charles on Rosh Hashanah II and throw bread into the water, documenting our sins. This year, we're doing that... today. In a few minutes, actually.
I feel adrift in a sea of material and significant things this year, cut off, in some ways, from that stillness and reflection Yom Kippur typically inspires. There are days, typically, of preparation for just the fasting. This year, not so much. Kol Nidre starts at 6PM for us tonight, ready or not.
And so I rush home - dropping off errands on the way - and try to find that meaning, that reflection, so badly needed for this holy day. I think of Leonard Cohen, oddly enough, as "Who by Fire" is inspired by the Unetaneh Tokef, which we recited at first nine days ago, and we will again recite tonight. The Vidui has been stuck in my head for the past day - "we have sinned against you unknowingly, and we have sinned against you knowingly" - and even before Rosh Hashanah I've had Selihot - the melody, the words - on autoreplay. But none of that gets to the heart of atonement, for me.
I'm looking for where I've fallen short this year, and that type of reflection is hard, though oh so necessary. I know I've turned inward, certainly, and dropped the typical means of paying attention to people our world and our generation generally employ. I know I haven't updated this journal since February. Is that a sin? Or is it merely a shift in priorities? Does it tell people I care about them less, does it come across as selfish?
Even locally, my friendships have suffered because I, for many reasons, haven't had the physical strength or energy to be where I would normally like to be, and pay attention to more than work, and family, and sleep. This may change - I certainly aim for it to - but it may not. I may fall short of the mark. And then, is introversion selfish or self-preserving?
Then there is the usual litany of ways I fail, just about every year - pride, judgement, lashon harah. Have I worked on these this year? Certainly. Can I still site an example of each one? Of course. And where is the line between judging fairly and judging harshly?
On the whole, I think I have done fairly well this past year - with my family, and mtolan, certainly. Good, honest communication has paid dividends. In my professional life? Definitely not always - it was a monotonous spring, for sure - but overall trending upward. Definitely moving forward, too. With friends? That's the toughest one for me, and one I'll be thinking a lot about in the next 30 hours.
As always, I am sorry if I have sinned against you, knowingly and unknowingly. I am sorry. Honestly, truly. Please forgive me, even if you can't forget my mistakes.
G'mar hatimah tovah!
I feel adrift in a sea of material and significant things this year, cut off, in some ways, from that stillness and reflection Yom Kippur typically inspires. There are days, typically, of preparation for just the fasting. This year, not so much. Kol Nidre starts at 6PM for us tonight, ready or not.
And so I rush home - dropping off errands on the way - and try to find that meaning, that reflection, so badly needed for this holy day. I think of Leonard Cohen, oddly enough, as "Who by Fire" is inspired by the Unetaneh Tokef, which we recited at first nine days ago, and we will again recite tonight. The Vidui has been stuck in my head for the past day - "we have sinned against you unknowingly, and we have sinned against you knowingly" - and even before Rosh Hashanah I've had Selihot - the melody, the words - on autoreplay. But none of that gets to the heart of atonement, for me.
I'm looking for where I've fallen short this year, and that type of reflection is hard, though oh so necessary. I know I've turned inward, certainly, and dropped the typical means of paying attention to people our world and our generation generally employ. I know I haven't updated this journal since February. Is that a sin? Or is it merely a shift in priorities? Does it tell people I care about them less, does it come across as selfish?
Even locally, my friendships have suffered because I, for many reasons, haven't had the physical strength or energy to be where I would normally like to be, and pay attention to more than work, and family, and sleep. This may change - I certainly aim for it to - but it may not. I may fall short of the mark. And then, is introversion selfish or self-preserving?
Then there is the usual litany of ways I fail, just about every year - pride, judgement, lashon harah. Have I worked on these this year? Certainly. Can I still site an example of each one? Of course. And where is the line between judging fairly and judging harshly?
On the whole, I think I have done fairly well this past year - with my family, and mtolan, certainly. Good, honest communication has paid dividends. In my professional life? Definitely not always - it was a monotonous spring, for sure - but overall trending upward. Definitely moving forward, too. With friends? That's the toughest one for me, and one I'll be thinking a lot about in the next 30 hours.
As always, I am sorry if I have sinned against you, knowingly and unknowingly. I am sorry. Honestly, truly. Please forgive me, even if you can't forget my mistakes.
G'mar hatimah tovah!