Warning: this is long and full of rants
I don't seem to know anything anymore. I'm as helpless as a stuck pig, as my Grandma says. Her and I are two peas in a pod I guess, we both have NO idea what we are supposed to be doing. I'm so lost and confused right now, I just feel like running away, but to where, who knows? I never seem to make the right decisions, someone is always upset. Half my family thinks I don't take good care of Gram. My mom was upset with how I handled the interview, yet apparently they want to hire me. I just got an email from the lady saying they wanted me, but they weren't sure of where I stood when it comes to the job becoming permanent. The trouble is, I don't either. Lately, i've HATED living here and I just want out. But yet I don't know if i'm supposed to stay here or not. I thought at first I was, but lately i've been going crazy. So then I thought, maybe God is trying to tell me my time is up here? Augh, i'm so caught in the middle. On the one hand, I hate being here and I hate who i'm becoming here, and yet, also, if I were to end my time here now, i'd probably forever feel guilty because I didn't end on a good note. I want to be more patient and compassionate with Gram and to come to see all I do for her as doing it for GOD, and being ok with not getting any appreciation from her. It's the same neverending battle, which i'm TIRED of. I've come to loath myself, and the way I am here. And I wonder, why am I here then? Maybe i'm not cut out for this sort of thing, i'm not strong enough. But maybe that's ok, maybe I have reached my limit and maybe Gram needs professional care. She's even started the accuation phase, which they say is quite normal. She thinks i've stolen her engagement ring. To make a LONG and tiresome story short, my mom hid it cuz my Gram kept missplacing it and my mom doesn't want her to lose it. My mom left her a note saying she and my dad took it for safekeeping. Well of course that made my Gram mad, and i can understand to a point. Of course she denies ever losing it, which she has. But anyway, she got it in her head that I took it and has been raging in her diary about how awful I am. So that makes me feel real good on top of everything. NOt only am I already the bad guy in my family and thought of as nothing more than an empty blonde who can't even take care of her own Grandma, but now my Gram thinks i'm out to get her too. I'm just sick of being sucked in to the middle of family drama when i've done NOTHING wrong.
So this is my neverending dilemma, and I panic and can't seem to do a darn thing. I don't know where God wants me, I have no direction. I convinced myself that I wasn't goin to get this job, and suddenly I get this email. And yet, I don't have it yet, cuz they want to know just where I stand about being permanent and how long will I be around. Well I just don't know, and i'd hate to say i'm willing, and say, I were to get engaged in a few months of something. So then what? Basically, I just don't know what to tell them, but yet I want to be honest and I want to tell them the right thing. Does God want me to just stay here and be content, do this job and just take everything in stride? But yet, i'm trying too to cling to what I want, and I know that's wrong. I do hate it here, I want out; plain and simple. I'm starting to hate myself and my self esteem has plummeted. I feel so alone here and worthless. I pray daily for change and nothing seems to happen. I must be missing something. I wish I knew what. But where would I go? The Adirondacks? It wouldn't be easy finding a place, much less a decent JOB! Tho I'm sure Roger has connections. But that would take TIME either way and so i'd have to stick around here and do SOMETHING. I know that unfortunately a priority right now...is money. I am digging myself WAY into debt. I've spent a fortune this past month on gas alone and my charge card bill will skyrocket. And with gas prices going through the roof, I gotta be making more money with all I plan on doing. If I want to have a LIFE period!
I just don't know, life can be so scary, and here I haven't had any trauma and basically have led a pretty cushioned life. As Roger would put it i'm nothing but a pansy. But I am scared to death because I just don't know, EVERYTHING is so uncertain and I doubt myself, my ability to make a good decision, and my capabilities period, and I think I even doubt God. I certainly don't have enough faith or trust in him. I get myself all worked up over the smallest things and make them all big and harry and mean and so scary. Like when I read the email for that job, I burst into tears as I was reading it. I started to panic, wondering what I was gonna do, how I was going to answer, how I would even survive this job. Instantly that voice in my head told me that I am not qualified to do this job, that I lied to them. They have no idea what a basketcase I am. I will fail. This job scares me to death and yet I don't think I have a choice. Ultimately yes, this job WOULD be perfect; the hours, the location, the people seem nice. And yet, i'm scared to death they won't like me, or i'll make mistakes. Like scared as in borderline panic. What is wrong with me?!?!?! I look at other people with their normal lives, and how they are good with relationships, secure in themselves, good at their jobs, etc. I think why can't I be normal like that? ! Why do I have to make a mountin out of a mole hill with EVERYTHING?!?! Sure I know everyone has their problems and stuff, but most normal people can at least handle the daily aspects of life! I seem to struggle with just living period! That's the problem, I can't seem to handle LIFE!!! Boy Roger really has no idea what he's getting into. All my ridiculous and pathetic problems. Problems that shouldn't BE problems! I just don't know what to do. And as I mentioned before, i've thought of seeing a counselor, and even that costs money. So probably in order to see a counselor and try and get help about all this madness, i'll have to take this job. And will then be able to afford a counselor to talk about the job most likely, and my stupid fears there too.
So i'm sitting here, borderline panicking, and wishing that I wasn't so utterly alone as I feel right now. It does make me miss Houghton and having a friend up the hall who I could at least talk to. I feel I have no one. I know I have friends, but everyone is so far away and at least they are all doing things with their lives and at least have lives and aren't afraid to live and make life worth living. I really do wish I had someone here right now. I find myself wanting to reach out, but I pull myself back. Cuz there's that stupid voice again, telling me i'm just a waste of time anyway
So this is my neverending dilemma, and I panic and can't seem to do a darn thing. I don't know where God wants me, I have no direction. I convinced myself that I wasn't goin to get this job, and suddenly I get this email. And yet, I don't have it yet, cuz they want to know just where I stand about being permanent and how long will I be around. Well I just don't know, and i'd hate to say i'm willing, and say, I were to get engaged in a few months of something. So then what? Basically, I just don't know what to tell them, but yet I want to be honest and I want to tell them the right thing. Does God want me to just stay here and be content, do this job and just take everything in stride? But yet, i'm trying too to cling to what I want, and I know that's wrong. I do hate it here, I want out; plain and simple. I'm starting to hate myself and my self esteem has plummeted. I feel so alone here and worthless. I pray daily for change and nothing seems to happen. I must be missing something. I wish I knew what. But where would I go? The Adirondacks? It wouldn't be easy finding a place, much less a decent JOB! Tho I'm sure Roger has connections. But that would take TIME either way and so i'd have to stick around here and do SOMETHING. I know that unfortunately a priority right now...is money. I am digging myself WAY into debt. I've spent a fortune this past month on gas alone and my charge card bill will skyrocket. And with gas prices going through the roof, I gotta be making more money with all I plan on doing. If I want to have a LIFE period!
I just don't know, life can be so scary, and here I haven't had any trauma and basically have led a pretty cushioned life. As Roger would put it i'm nothing but a pansy. But I am scared to death because I just don't know, EVERYTHING is so uncertain and I doubt myself, my ability to make a good decision, and my capabilities period, and I think I even doubt God. I certainly don't have enough faith or trust in him. I get myself all worked up over the smallest things and make them all big and harry and mean and so scary. Like when I read the email for that job, I burst into tears as I was reading it. I started to panic, wondering what I was gonna do, how I was going to answer, how I would even survive this job. Instantly that voice in my head told me that I am not qualified to do this job, that I lied to them. They have no idea what a basketcase I am. I will fail. This job scares me to death and yet I don't think I have a choice. Ultimately yes, this job WOULD be perfect; the hours, the location, the people seem nice. And yet, i'm scared to death they won't like me, or i'll make mistakes. Like scared as in borderline panic. What is wrong with me?!?!?! I look at other people with their normal lives, and how they are good with relationships, secure in themselves, good at their jobs, etc. I think why can't I be normal like that? ! Why do I have to make a mountin out of a mole hill with EVERYTHING?!?! Sure I know everyone has their problems and stuff, but most normal people can at least handle the daily aspects of life! I seem to struggle with just living period! That's the problem, I can't seem to handle LIFE!!! Boy Roger really has no idea what he's getting into. All my ridiculous and pathetic problems. Problems that shouldn't BE problems! I just don't know what to do. And as I mentioned before, i've thought of seeing a counselor, and even that costs money. So probably in order to see a counselor and try and get help about all this madness, i'll have to take this job. And will then be able to afford a counselor to talk about the job most likely, and my stupid fears there too.
So i'm sitting here, borderline panicking, and wishing that I wasn't so utterly alone as I feel right now. It does make me miss Houghton and having a friend up the hall who I could at least talk to. I feel I have no one. I know I have friends, but everyone is so far away and at least they are all doing things with their lives and at least have lives and aren't afraid to live and make life worth living. I really do wish I had someone here right now. I find myself wanting to reach out, but I pull myself back. Cuz there's that stupid voice again, telling me i'm just a waste of time anyway