what does it feel like
to be NORMAL?! Augh, or to know what you are good at, to have SOME confidence in who you are. To even KNOW who you are! I know most people can say they struggle with these things, but it seems most people handle these issues better than I do. Many people may ACT like they have confidence and yet they don't, but they still go out and do things and accomplish things! I have no confidence and it shows. So people either don't take me seriously, or they ignore me anyway. Even my own friends it seems sometimes. For instance, this weekend I went to the 1000 Islands with Roger, Josh and Em. I was really excited and anxious to get away and to be with my man! All four of us always have a good time together. Well this time, I almost ruined it for myself. Nobody else excells at that but me. I am my own worst enemy.
To further explain the situation, I felt dumb most of the time. They all understand boats, and know a ton about fishing, and are smart. Me on the other hand, is clueless about many things. I know nothing about motors and fishing for most fish other than bass, and so at times I felt like a ninny. Which is stupid cuz these are people that I SHOULD be comfortable with and not worry that they'll think i'm DUMB! And so what if I don't know all they know, i'm learning and they are willing to teach me! But I Do worry! WHY?!?!?!?! Well what is majorly annoying about these gatherings and contributes to my feeling stupid and so far behind everyone, is that Josh most of the time, doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. He never really talks to me, except to pick on me, usually throwing out dumb blonde jokes. He never addresses me in coversations. So I feel invisible half the time in regards to him. And sometimes that really bothers me. Emily says how excited he is about Roger and I dating, and how he suggests they come see me if they are in Rochester. But yet, I totally feel like he thinks i'm stupid and has nothing to contribute. So this whole weekend, I struggled with feeling like I'm not as smart or as fun as the rest of them, not just because of Josh, but because I am retarded and ruin most things for myself.
Don't get me wrong, I did have fun. I did catch some great fish, we had a competition going; guys versus girls. The girls caught way more fish than the guys, despite their protest, and I hold the record for the largest largemouth bass (17inces, maybe 4 lbs. So fat it was!) and the largest smallmouth. And POTENTIALLY the largest Pike. Usually that's what they catch when they go, but they weren't biting much. Roger caught a decent one on his second cast our first time fishing, and then Josh caught one yesterday. Then near the end of our last outing, I hooked a big one on my bobber line, and we could see it in the water cuz it was so clear! It jumped right out of the water in fact, and i'm fighting it and then it bit the line and we lost it. I was so sad, I SSOOO wanted that Pike! It definitely was bigger than the boys, but more importantly, I wanted my first pike! Ironically, JUST before it bit the line, Roger joked that he hoped i'd lose it. Then he felt super bad after that, cuz he really didn't mean it. I wasn't mad at him, but I was pretty sad I lost it!
So you see, I DID have fun. It was so beautiful up there and relaxing. We spent hours in the boat and I really can't get enough of fishing. I loved being with Roger. Apparently so far i'm a natural fisherwoman and I do learn quickly. But I guess I feel leaps and bounds behind the rest of them. And I struggle with not being good enough for Roger still and deserving of him and even of Emily and Josh's friendship. Why? It's irrational, I Know. But that's the story of my life. Not feeling good enough. Feeling too stupid, or not funny, too quiet, or too annoying. I'm sick of it. I feel like i'm pushing friends away. I envy Emily sometimes, cuz she's so beautiful and outgoing and confident and fun and funny, and everybody likes her. When her and I are together in places, people ignore me and just love her. Why? Not like I want people to love me and certainly not ignore her and see me, but I just wish I was more likeable and outgoing. I wish people respected me and thought I was worth acknowledging. I find myself almost resenting Emily! That's so wrong! She's like my best friend! We are so much alike in many ways and have a blast together, yet she possesses things I don't have and find myself envying her for. I hate feeling this way, and I pray about it, but nothing seems to change. I don't like the way I am right now, but I seem stuck.
I came back here last night and felt really depressed. I hated being back here. I felt so vulnerable and alone without Roger. And yet when i'm with him, sometimes I just feel so inadequate and like I don't deserve him. I want to be happy and content. Why do I keep ruining it for myself?!?!?!?!
More and more lately i've been thinking I should see a counselor or something. Definitely a Christian one. I just need to do something different, I feel like i'm retreating into myself and basically destroying myself. What do any of you think about seeing a counselor? Katie if you read this before I talk to you, what do you think about maybe talking to Elaine? We did go back and for there there for a while about my friend, but then she just stopped emailing me which kind of bothered me. I thought maybe she'd want to know how things turned out with my friend. Anyway, she's the only one I know of, and she's in this area. I just don't know what else to do. I pray continually, and it seems nothing changes. I just feel so worthless and afraid to do anything cuz I think i'll fail anyway. I am petrified about this scheuled interview this Thursday cuz I feel I will say something stupid and not get the job, which I now DESPERATELY need cuz of my financial strain. I am so scared i'll start pushing people away and someday have no one. I worry with my insecurities and envy problems and defensive attitude i'll destroy what I have with Roger. And be all alone. That would be the worst thing. To literally be, all alone...
To further explain the situation, I felt dumb most of the time. They all understand boats, and know a ton about fishing, and are smart. Me on the other hand, is clueless about many things. I know nothing about motors and fishing for most fish other than bass, and so at times I felt like a ninny. Which is stupid cuz these are people that I SHOULD be comfortable with and not worry that they'll think i'm DUMB! And so what if I don't know all they know, i'm learning and they are willing to teach me! But I Do worry! WHY?!?!?!?! Well what is majorly annoying about these gatherings and contributes to my feeling stupid and so far behind everyone, is that Josh most of the time, doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. He never really talks to me, except to pick on me, usually throwing out dumb blonde jokes. He never addresses me in coversations. So I feel invisible half the time in regards to him. And sometimes that really bothers me. Emily says how excited he is about Roger and I dating, and how he suggests they come see me if they are in Rochester. But yet, I totally feel like he thinks i'm stupid and has nothing to contribute. So this whole weekend, I struggled with feeling like I'm not as smart or as fun as the rest of them, not just because of Josh, but because I am retarded and ruin most things for myself.
Don't get me wrong, I did have fun. I did catch some great fish, we had a competition going; guys versus girls. The girls caught way more fish than the guys, despite their protest, and I hold the record for the largest largemouth bass (17inces, maybe 4 lbs. So fat it was!) and the largest smallmouth. And POTENTIALLY the largest Pike. Usually that's what they catch when they go, but they weren't biting much. Roger caught a decent one on his second cast our first time fishing, and then Josh caught one yesterday. Then near the end of our last outing, I hooked a big one on my bobber line, and we could see it in the water cuz it was so clear! It jumped right out of the water in fact, and i'm fighting it and then it bit the line and we lost it. I was so sad, I SSOOO wanted that Pike! It definitely was bigger than the boys, but more importantly, I wanted my first pike! Ironically, JUST before it bit the line, Roger joked that he hoped i'd lose it. Then he felt super bad after that, cuz he really didn't mean it. I wasn't mad at him, but I was pretty sad I lost it!
So you see, I DID have fun. It was so beautiful up there and relaxing. We spent hours in the boat and I really can't get enough of fishing. I loved being with Roger. Apparently so far i'm a natural fisherwoman and I do learn quickly. But I guess I feel leaps and bounds behind the rest of them. And I struggle with not being good enough for Roger still and deserving of him and even of Emily and Josh's friendship. Why? It's irrational, I Know. But that's the story of my life. Not feeling good enough. Feeling too stupid, or not funny, too quiet, or too annoying. I'm sick of it. I feel like i'm pushing friends away. I envy Emily sometimes, cuz she's so beautiful and outgoing and confident and fun and funny, and everybody likes her. When her and I are together in places, people ignore me and just love her. Why? Not like I want people to love me and certainly not ignore her and see me, but I just wish I was more likeable and outgoing. I wish people respected me and thought I was worth acknowledging. I find myself almost resenting Emily! That's so wrong! She's like my best friend! We are so much alike in many ways and have a blast together, yet she possesses things I don't have and find myself envying her for. I hate feeling this way, and I pray about it, but nothing seems to change. I don't like the way I am right now, but I seem stuck.
I came back here last night and felt really depressed. I hated being back here. I felt so vulnerable and alone without Roger. And yet when i'm with him, sometimes I just feel so inadequate and like I don't deserve him. I want to be happy and content. Why do I keep ruining it for myself?!?!?!?!
More and more lately i've been thinking I should see a counselor or something. Definitely a Christian one. I just need to do something different, I feel like i'm retreating into myself and basically destroying myself. What do any of you think about seeing a counselor? Katie if you read this before I talk to you, what do you think about maybe talking to Elaine? We did go back and for there there for a while about my friend, but then she just stopped emailing me which kind of bothered me. I thought maybe she'd want to know how things turned out with my friend. Anyway, she's the only one I know of, and she's in this area. I just don't know what else to do. I pray continually, and it seems nothing changes. I just feel so worthless and afraid to do anything cuz I think i'll fail anyway. I am petrified about this scheuled interview this Thursday cuz I feel I will say something stupid and not get the job, which I now DESPERATELY need cuz of my financial strain. I am so scared i'll start pushing people away and someday have no one. I worry with my insecurities and envy problems and defensive attitude i'll destroy what I have with Roger. And be all alone. That would be the worst thing. To literally be, all alone...