The garbage swirls like a cyclone
I'm at some type of cross roads where everything you thought you wanted is turned upside down. Your chosen field is a little scary, and frankly a lot harder than i expected. The relationship i'm in although still very satisfying has had a restructuring. Friends who i thought were close aren't really, those who i thought were acquaintances are really true blue pals. Those who i never thought would leave me stranded have disappeared.
The bizarre part is that not much of it bothers me. Its like I'm a piece of paper riding the current of the stream. Whatever was once written on me is now running and if someone where to pick me up right now they wouldn't much recognize my original form, but the water is warm, and it feels much like a lazy river, you don't feel like fighting the current and its moving fast enough that you don't feel like swimming with it.
I am now making it through entire days not riding the roller coaster of manic emotions. Its nice. I still have that scary urge in the bottom of my stomach to cry or scream but its like a quiet voice. During the day with the children its much more tempting, but the boundaries are so clearly set it doesn't even occur to me to give in to my mania.
In a strange twist of events i am running. I think its becoming a bit of a coping mechanism. Its a good one my hearts stronger, my legs are stronger and so is my self esteem. BUt i think its prolly not good for my crappy back. So i may find some other things to do instead. BUt running is good, it gives me a chance to completely disconnect. I like that feeling, just disconnecting. Theres too much shit and stress to deal with.
On a saner note i hate society. The fact that my peers are marrying and getting divorced already is kinda scary. The pressure to know what the hell im doing is even more frustrating. And the fact that people are asking me all the time about the marriage question makes me wanna vomit. I love Steven, but hes not sure if he even wants to marry in this lifetime, so everytime i think of it i just get physically ill. I know where i want to be with him in a few years and im sure thats not where he wants to be. Im sure after a while we will butt heads enough about this and finally come to some kinda of conclusion, but it seems like till then im just biding my time, and enjoying him while hes still here.
And boys are fickle... and it sucks.
The bizarre part is that not much of it bothers me. Its like I'm a piece of paper riding the current of the stream. Whatever was once written on me is now running and if someone where to pick me up right now they wouldn't much recognize my original form, but the water is warm, and it feels much like a lazy river, you don't feel like fighting the current and its moving fast enough that you don't feel like swimming with it.
I am now making it through entire days not riding the roller coaster of manic emotions. Its nice. I still have that scary urge in the bottom of my stomach to cry or scream but its like a quiet voice. During the day with the children its much more tempting, but the boundaries are so clearly set it doesn't even occur to me to give in to my mania.
In a strange twist of events i am running. I think its becoming a bit of a coping mechanism. Its a good one my hearts stronger, my legs are stronger and so is my self esteem. BUt i think its prolly not good for my crappy back. So i may find some other things to do instead. BUt running is good, it gives me a chance to completely disconnect. I like that feeling, just disconnecting. Theres too much shit and stress to deal with.
On a saner note i hate society. The fact that my peers are marrying and getting divorced already is kinda scary. The pressure to know what the hell im doing is even more frustrating. And the fact that people are asking me all the time about the marriage question makes me wanna vomit. I love Steven, but hes not sure if he even wants to marry in this lifetime, so everytime i think of it i just get physically ill. I know where i want to be with him in a few years and im sure thats not where he wants to be. Im sure after a while we will butt heads enough about this and finally come to some kinda of conclusion, but it seems like till then im just biding my time, and enjoying him while hes still here.
And boys are fickle... and it sucks.