I've been pondering the fragility of life so often lately...
I'm going to try my best to turn this into something positive...
I feel like I have no real excuses. I feel like I've done all of this to myself. I think a rational person might say that I haven't, because at least some circumstances are beyond our individual control, but what can I say? I take on the weight of everything. And rarely do people notice. Again, my fault. And most times I don't feel worthy of people's help or support, because I don't want to burden them. And I probably mean you, if you're reading this. Again, my fault. I am not perfect...
I thought I was getting better? I don't even know anymore. It's so difficult when you have a zillion things going on in your life. People tell you to prioritize, but it is a difficult and daunting task. I have this assignment sitting in my lap. It was due a week ago, we can submit it up to a week late. I think I'm past the late due date too, and I just realized it. I did put it off, and I feel really stupid for doing so. Forgive me for wanting to relax. But did I even get to do that? The weight of all the things I need to get done has been bringing me down all week, so much so that I find it difficult to begin. And I'm back home, still without a true place in this world no matter where I go. Spending the day with my mother in the E.R. on Saturday. Helping to take care of her during the week because her back is messed up (and will be for a while). I haven't done nearly as much as my dad, but... it's a form of suffering just being around this. This sadness that has overrun our lives, and our daily struggles. That is oftentimes incapacitating...
I cling to the happy moments as if I'm gasping for air. I guess I am, in a sense. I need those moments to survive. Otherwise, what good is living? And I'd say, most days these days, there are few things keeping me alive. And that puts me in an unimaginable state of melancholia... why, how did I let me life get like this? There are some great moments, but they are few and far between.
I remember a night where I was riding by the moon and stars, and I looked at them shining soo brightly. I wonder how many trillions of people have looked at the same exact stars. I remember wishing I could just run. Just leave, and start over somewhere else. Escape this madness. But... would I escape myself? Can we truly escape ourselves? No. But we can grow and learn and change. And yes, perhaps my attitude and mindset about some things needs to change, but it will not happen overnight. And I will not figure out my future (or my past..) overnight. We look back on the years and we think of them as wonderful, and fleeting. But days? Days are sometimes hard as hell, and we can't wait for the struggle to be over. But those days, I suppose they add up, and become this incredible, breath-taking piece of art that is a human life.
And we have one. One life. We have this one life, in all it's ephemeral glory.
Yet there are so many people struggling just as I am. The struggle of humanity is beyond "black" and "white", rich or poor, male or female, gay or straight, adult or child... The struggle is experienced by all. We ALL have hardships. We all suffer in some way by virtue of being human. And there is no way that you can say one person is struggling more than the next, because each person, given their own individual circumstance and their own individual story, is struggling in some way. What bothers me on a societal level though, is that so many people are taking advantage of other people, and exploiting or oppressing or hurting other people in some way. This sends these people into extreme hardships. Perhaps, in the worst circumstances, into poverty, or violent, inescapable situations and living conditions. These people struggle. But the people who do the exploiting, oppressing, or whatever else... don't they struggle too? From mental enslavement? Can they ever find true happiness? If you live completely comfortably, everything handed to you, no true life lessons learned, do you feel happy? I really don't think it's possible. I think it's a kind of fake happiness people see. People convince themselves they are happy, especially by buying into this disgusting materialism. Does buying things make one truly happy? NO. This is something that doesn't need proving because it's just true. Money does not buy happiness. Along with comfortable living comes guilt, and loss of... self. If you're told who to be all your life, how can you ever express who you truly are? What if you are brought up to be a surgeon or the next CEO of some creepy corporation, but you had a teacher who really inspired you, and you want to become a teacher? Or an artist? People always have a desire to do what they are passionate about, however, because of the restraints of society, we hardly ever feel like we can live our passions. Most times because they are 'not practical'. This world would do just fine if everyone did exactly what they were really passionate about. Saul Williams said this, and I believe it to be one of the greatest truths I've ever heard. People work for oppressive regimes and corporations indirectly responsible for numerous human rights violations - because they need to make money (ohh, money...the devil if I ever saw it...). In this system, people need to make money. How fucked up? Guess what? It wasn't always like this. And in the future, I really hope it doesn't have to be like this. This war-loving, money-worshipping, male-dominated (where's the balance?) society does NOT always have to be like this. In fact, I have an inkling that wonderful days of true equality and humanity's feelings of oneness are ahead. It may take a few lifetimes, perhaps, to get there... but we must plant the seeds now. One of my favorite quotes sums it up....
Nothing is harder, yet nothing is more necessary, than to speak of certain things whose existence is neither demonstrable nor probable. The very fact that serious and conscientious men and women treat them as existing things brings them a step closer to existence and to the possibility of being born.
--Hermann Hesse
I really think there's this part of every person that can be changed. There is a part of each person that is connected to everyone else. I wish more people saw that. I hope more people see the beauty and wondrous things that can come from working together. From being kind. From realizing that we all want love. We all want happiness. Let's compromise.
The balance of the world is all off. The balance of my world is all off. And I will spend my whole life correcting both of those. I believe that the happy moments should far outweigh the difficult ones in each person's life - simply because of the fact that, again... we only have one... and everyone deserves to enjoy it while it lasts...
I feel like I have no real excuses. I feel like I've done all of this to myself. I think a rational person might say that I haven't, because at least some circumstances are beyond our individual control, but what can I say? I take on the weight of everything. And rarely do people notice. Again, my fault. And most times I don't feel worthy of people's help or support, because I don't want to burden them. And I probably mean you, if you're reading this. Again, my fault. I am not perfect...
I thought I was getting better? I don't even know anymore. It's so difficult when you have a zillion things going on in your life. People tell you to prioritize, but it is a difficult and daunting task. I have this assignment sitting in my lap. It was due a week ago, we can submit it up to a week late. I think I'm past the late due date too, and I just realized it. I did put it off, and I feel really stupid for doing so. Forgive me for wanting to relax. But did I even get to do that? The weight of all the things I need to get done has been bringing me down all week, so much so that I find it difficult to begin. And I'm back home, still without a true place in this world no matter where I go. Spending the day with my mother in the E.R. on Saturday. Helping to take care of her during the week because her back is messed up (and will be for a while). I haven't done nearly as much as my dad, but... it's a form of suffering just being around this. This sadness that has overrun our lives, and our daily struggles. That is oftentimes incapacitating...
I cling to the happy moments as if I'm gasping for air. I guess I am, in a sense. I need those moments to survive. Otherwise, what good is living? And I'd say, most days these days, there are few things keeping me alive. And that puts me in an unimaginable state of melancholia... why, how did I let me life get like this? There are some great moments, but they are few and far between.
I remember a night where I was riding by the moon and stars, and I looked at them shining soo brightly. I wonder how many trillions of people have looked at the same exact stars. I remember wishing I could just run. Just leave, and start over somewhere else. Escape this madness. But... would I escape myself? Can we truly escape ourselves? No. But we can grow and learn and change. And yes, perhaps my attitude and mindset about some things needs to change, but it will not happen overnight. And I will not figure out my future (or my past..) overnight. We look back on the years and we think of them as wonderful, and fleeting. But days? Days are sometimes hard as hell, and we can't wait for the struggle to be over. But those days, I suppose they add up, and become this incredible, breath-taking piece of art that is a human life.
And we have one. One life. We have this one life, in all it's ephemeral glory.
Yet there are so many people struggling just as I am. The struggle of humanity is beyond "black" and "white", rich or poor, male or female, gay or straight, adult or child... The struggle is experienced by all. We ALL have hardships. We all suffer in some way by virtue of being human. And there is no way that you can say one person is struggling more than the next, because each person, given their own individual circumstance and their own individual story, is struggling in some way. What bothers me on a societal level though, is that so many people are taking advantage of other people, and exploiting or oppressing or hurting other people in some way. This sends these people into extreme hardships. Perhaps, in the worst circumstances, into poverty, or violent, inescapable situations and living conditions. These people struggle. But the people who do the exploiting, oppressing, or whatever else... don't they struggle too? From mental enslavement? Can they ever find true happiness? If you live completely comfortably, everything handed to you, no true life lessons learned, do you feel happy? I really don't think it's possible. I think it's a kind of fake happiness people see. People convince themselves they are happy, especially by buying into this disgusting materialism. Does buying things make one truly happy? NO. This is something that doesn't need proving because it's just true. Money does not buy happiness. Along with comfortable living comes guilt, and loss of... self. If you're told who to be all your life, how can you ever express who you truly are? What if you are brought up to be a surgeon or the next CEO of some creepy corporation, but you had a teacher who really inspired you, and you want to become a teacher? Or an artist? People always have a desire to do what they are passionate about, however, because of the restraints of society, we hardly ever feel like we can live our passions. Most times because they are 'not practical'. This world would do just fine if everyone did exactly what they were really passionate about. Saul Williams said this, and I believe it to be one of the greatest truths I've ever heard. People work for oppressive regimes and corporations indirectly responsible for numerous human rights violations - because they need to make money (ohh, money...the devil if I ever saw it...). In this system, people need to make money. How fucked up? Guess what? It wasn't always like this. And in the future, I really hope it doesn't have to be like this. This war-loving, money-worshipping, male-dominated (where's the balance?) society does NOT always have to be like this. In fact, I have an inkling that wonderful days of true equality and humanity's feelings of oneness are ahead. It may take a few lifetimes, perhaps, to get there... but we must plant the seeds now. One of my favorite quotes sums it up....
Nothing is harder, yet nothing is more necessary, than to speak of certain things whose existence is neither demonstrable nor probable. The very fact that serious and conscientious men and women treat them as existing things brings them a step closer to existence and to the possibility of being born.
--Hermann Hesse
I really think there's this part of every person that can be changed. There is a part of each person that is connected to everyone else. I wish more people saw that. I hope more people see the beauty and wondrous things that can come from working together. From being kind. From realizing that we all want love. We all want happiness. Let's compromise.
The balance of the world is all off. The balance of my world is all off. And I will spend my whole life correcting both of those. I believe that the happy moments should far outweigh the difficult ones in each person's life - simply because of the fact that, again... we only have one... and everyone deserves to enjoy it while it lasts...