....
the thing that about dying that always blows my mind is how subtle all of it is. No one outside of your circle is aware of your passing. the world doesnt stop turning, the sun doesnt stay behind the shade of clouds...nothing to alert other humans that one of their own has left... its weird...i feel like it should be something we all feel..like a vibration...i also realize the implications of such a desire...we'd be vibrating every second. but still. there should have been something.
I watched my father kneeling on the ground next to the bed, talking to his love...talking like he would normally do. Converstaions about the robins that were sitting in their backyard or the cold snap that we have been in for the last two weeks. I watched in silence as my father stroked their cheek and put on the bravest face i have ever seen. I felt like i was walking down the street and happened to glance into a window at a couple...a tender moment. I stood there in the corner holding my breathe...their eyes focused on my farther the entire time...unable to speak the words that were so clearly being thought.
I wanted to tell them that it was okay...that he, my father, would be okay. I wanted to tell them to do what was right for them....but if they were tired they could go...it would be alright. All the things you tell the dying hours before they go. I wanted to say that I loved them....but the burning in my throat wouldnt let me. I couldnt open my mouth...i hesitated a few times...but ultimately i just walked out of the room. I suppose i did say all of those things...in a primitive sort of way.
the wake is next saturday....the funeral is the following monday.
i am...no good at this sort of stuff.
i wish i was strong like a tree...instead im just this ridiculous frail piece of grass. practically useless.
I watched my father kneeling on the ground next to the bed, talking to his love...talking like he would normally do. Converstaions about the robins that were sitting in their backyard or the cold snap that we have been in for the last two weeks. I watched in silence as my father stroked their cheek and put on the bravest face i have ever seen. I felt like i was walking down the street and happened to glance into a window at a couple...a tender moment. I stood there in the corner holding my breathe...their eyes focused on my farther the entire time...unable to speak the words that were so clearly being thought.
I wanted to tell them that it was okay...that he, my father, would be okay. I wanted to tell them to do what was right for them....but if they were tired they could go...it would be alright. All the things you tell the dying hours before they go. I wanted to say that I loved them....but the burning in my throat wouldnt let me. I couldnt open my mouth...i hesitated a few times...but ultimately i just walked out of the room. I suppose i did say all of those things...in a primitive sort of way.
the wake is next saturday....the funeral is the following monday.
i am...no good at this sort of stuff.
i wish i was strong like a tree...instead im just this ridiculous frail piece of grass. practically useless.