Reflections
Birthdays have always been a time for reflections for me. Where I was, where I am, where I want to be. This year is no different.
When I was fifteen, I dreamed of being a lawyer. I had grand delusions of saving the world from the evilness of corrupt corporations.
When I was 18, I dreamed of being free. Out of the house, out of school, no responsibliblities, no more listening to mom say "If you would just buckle down... you have the grades... He is a loser...". I just dreamed of freedom.
When I was 21 I again dreamed of freedom, but this time I wanted the freedom of my innocence back. I no longer wanted to know what it was to have to feel fear from a man that swore he loved you, yet showed his love in an iron fist. I dreamed of trusting someone.
At 25, I dreamed that the baby I was carrying would be healthy and happy, and that coming into a one year mark of being married would show me the stability I worked for. Looking back now, I think I also dreamed of my first Thanksgiving dinner not being a total disaster. But mostly, I dreamed of being a good mother.
At 28, I dreamed of new locations, great friends, and a new start. A place where I was safe, a place to call home, a place to be free to be me. A place to heal.
Here I am, less than a week from 30, and my dreams now are very different. I no longer dream of the exciting career, the high power profile job. I no longer dream of loving and being loved without being asked to change, or forced into change by brutality. I no longer dream of the white picket fence and the kids in the yard. I now dream of being able to let go of the past and move forward. Jaded, untrusting, scared, and bitter are things I want to see as a thing of the past.
As some dreams die, others take their place. Being human is a fault we all share. We all make mistakes, we hold our pasts up as shields before letting others know who we are. We stop trusting, we stop understanding, and we never know why we do it. We live and we learn, and yes, we all get older. Here's to another year of dreams and lessons.
When I was fifteen, I dreamed of being a lawyer. I had grand delusions of saving the world from the evilness of corrupt corporations.
When I was 18, I dreamed of being free. Out of the house, out of school, no responsibliblities, no more listening to mom say "If you would just buckle down... you have the grades... He is a loser...". I just dreamed of freedom.
When I was 21 I again dreamed of freedom, but this time I wanted the freedom of my innocence back. I no longer wanted to know what it was to have to feel fear from a man that swore he loved you, yet showed his love in an iron fist. I dreamed of trusting someone.
At 25, I dreamed that the baby I was carrying would be healthy and happy, and that coming into a one year mark of being married would show me the stability I worked for. Looking back now, I think I also dreamed of my first Thanksgiving dinner not being a total disaster. But mostly, I dreamed of being a good mother.
At 28, I dreamed of new locations, great friends, and a new start. A place where I was safe, a place to call home, a place to be free to be me. A place to heal.
Here I am, less than a week from 30, and my dreams now are very different. I no longer dream of the exciting career, the high power profile job. I no longer dream of loving and being loved without being asked to change, or forced into change by brutality. I no longer dream of the white picket fence and the kids in the yard. I now dream of being able to let go of the past and move forward. Jaded, untrusting, scared, and bitter are things I want to see as a thing of the past.
As some dreams die, others take their place. Being human is a fault we all share. We all make mistakes, we hold our pasts up as shields before letting others know who we are. We stop trusting, we stop understanding, and we never know why we do it. We live and we learn, and yes, we all get older. Here's to another year of dreams and lessons.