::Things I had Forgotten::
You know much as we try to get away, some things will always be there, stubbornly becoming part of ourselves...
I realize that I don't feel alive or indeed human in any capacity unless I am writing.
I realize it is true that I don't allow myself enough time for me.
I realize that this is because I'm scared to be alone with myself sometimes.
and then I know that mostly, these things aren't true. Because of moments like this.
and then I laugh- because as I am indeed alone as I write this (and enjoying my own company) you will read it and then it becomes no longer mine, no longer a solitary effort. That makes me smile, knowing you're there ;)
I've had some caffeine tonight.
and sugar.
but not much.
Sometimes I wish that LJ would go back to being the was it was. Mostly because I miss the people. I miss PJ on here... I miss Rafael. I miss Kent... I think I miss Kent most because he was the only one who was just on the internet... It's odd to think that it's been six years already. Next month it will be six years, I think.
and then I think about what I wrote back then- I find it interesting to read about a person I no longer am, but who really is me somehow. bah, pointless words.
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I've been thinking a lot about the future.
Nursing School
Peace Corps
Americorps/Teach for America
JET
Fullbright Scholarship
grad school (in what, Anthropology? Business?)
some sort of combination? something completely different?
and then I wondered if it all didn't really matter. I suppose I've given up planning things for now. Although I'd better get a grip on this sliding scale, or risk being a passive player in my own show- and that is never an option. We all of us have our choices and no one will take mine.
After having affirmed that to myself to get through the past few months (years?) it's unsettling to find that the people around me either actively (haha) believe that there is no free will, or act as if they have no control over their lives. I may be off point here, but I'll just rant then...
I'm an Aries- whether or not you do the horoscope thing- I'm a pretty straightforward, dynamic presence normally, so it's really difficult if not damn near unfathomable to me that people would choose to take a back seat in their own lives. I suppose I can understand the appeal of letting other people make all the decisions- means that you're not responsible for what happens and then you can get angry or irritated if things don't go the way you want. But, if they do happen to go well, then well you're still unsatisfied because you feel generally un-useful and/or apathetic about the whole business. Gods, what kind of life is that to lead (or not)?
It just taxes me is all. Making decisions all the time requires thinking all the time, which is good, but gee, sometimes I want to be in the passenger seat too (maybe take a sleep for a bit, y'know). I feel bad being angry about this and I DO CHOOSE to make a lot of decisions, but really, what else is there to do if people want to be cattle-like?
I know the answer. Find other people to hang out with. ::sigh:: I LIKE my friends, I really do, but sometimes...
::fuuu:: I need some water. maybe a bowl of oatmeal, 'cause I've got a lot in me tonight and for some reason it all wants to come out. Maybe I'll paper-journal it, instead of boring folks.
I realize that I don't feel alive or indeed human in any capacity unless I am writing.
I realize it is true that I don't allow myself enough time for me.
I realize that this is because I'm scared to be alone with myself sometimes.
and then I know that mostly, these things aren't true. Because of moments like this.
and then I laugh- because as I am indeed alone as I write this (and enjoying my own company) you will read it and then it becomes no longer mine, no longer a solitary effort. That makes me smile, knowing you're there ;)
I've had some caffeine tonight.
and sugar.
but not much.
Sometimes I wish that LJ would go back to being the was it was. Mostly because I miss the people. I miss PJ on here... I miss Rafael. I miss Kent... I think I miss Kent most because he was the only one who was just on the internet... It's odd to think that it's been six years already. Next month it will be six years, I think.
and then I think about what I wrote back then- I find it interesting to read about a person I no longer am, but who really is me somehow. bah, pointless words.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been thinking a lot about the future.
Nursing School
Peace Corps
Americorps/Teach for America
JET
Fullbright Scholarship
grad school (in what, Anthropology? Business?)
some sort of combination? something completely different?
and then I wondered if it all didn't really matter. I suppose I've given up planning things for now. Although I'd better get a grip on this sliding scale, or risk being a passive player in my own show- and that is never an option. We all of us have our choices and no one will take mine.
After having affirmed that to myself to get through the past few months (years?) it's unsettling to find that the people around me either actively (haha) believe that there is no free will, or act as if they have no control over their lives. I may be off point here, but I'll just rant then...
I'm an Aries- whether or not you do the horoscope thing- I'm a pretty straightforward, dynamic presence normally, so it's really difficult if not damn near unfathomable to me that people would choose to take a back seat in their own lives. I suppose I can understand the appeal of letting other people make all the decisions- means that you're not responsible for what happens and then you can get angry or irritated if things don't go the way you want. But, if they do happen to go well, then well you're still unsatisfied because you feel generally un-useful and/or apathetic about the whole business. Gods, what kind of life is that to lead (or not)?
It just taxes me is all. Making decisions all the time requires thinking all the time, which is good, but gee, sometimes I want to be in the passenger seat too (maybe take a sleep for a bit, y'know). I feel bad being angry about this and I DO CHOOSE to make a lot of decisions, but really, what else is there to do if people want to be cattle-like?
I know the answer. Find other people to hang out with. ::sigh:: I LIKE my friends, I really do, but sometimes...
::fuuu:: I need some water. maybe a bowl of oatmeal, 'cause I've got a lot in me tonight and for some reason it all wants to come out. Maybe I'll paper-journal it, instead of boring folks.