Broken
Title: Broken
Author: natsukosam
Pairings: Jaejoong/oc
Length: Oneshot
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Summary: What he did was unforgivable. It shook her to the core and stripped her of everything she once had...so why was she suddenly searching for what they'd lost?
I stared up at him as he smiled so carefree at sea of people before him. How could he be so happy and so content when I was standing here so miserable and broken? I envied him so much. I envied his beauty and the adoring love he always received from his fans. I envied the busy schedule that could keep him from thinking of me. How dare he forget about me so quickly and move on with his life! This was all his fault. My heart was shattered because of him, and here he was smiling as if everything was okay. I promised myself that I would move on, but as I looked up at him, a part of me wanted to go back in time.
I wanted to go back to the times when we would silently hold each other throughout the night in his apartment. It was those times that words could never explain how deep and how real our love for each other was. I wanted to go back to the times when I was sad and he would imitate the actors from the DVD's we watched in order to make me laugh. I wanted to go back to the times when he would stare at me as if I was the most important person in his world. He was the most important one in mine. I had tricked myself into giving him a chance. I might have been a fan before I met him, but I never liked the idea of dating someone so famous. I went against my own beliefs for him, and this is where it had gotten me. I had allowed him to get too close and forced myself to get even closer.
The concert had been going on for a while, and each song that had been sung seemed to stab at my broken heart even harder. I could feel my protective wall crashing down as so many memories, good and bad, flashed through my mind. It sickened me that one person could have this much control over another. This person could make me feel like the happiest person alive while also making me feel so pathetic and weak at the same time.
I knew that I could never get close to him again. I knew that seeing him again would remind me of what he had done to me, and to us. Why did I buy a ticket to his concert tonight? Why did I even purchase this ticket that was right in front of the stage? Was I trying to torture myself with this bittersweet moment? My lies that I had moved on might have worked when I was at home, or in my car, but now that I'm standing before him, I can't seem to lie to myself anymore. My mind screamed at me to leave and forget about him, but my heart screamed at me to stay and love the man that I felt knew me better than I knew myself. I didn’t want to admit it, but my heart was winning as my feet felt like they were welded to the ground.
He suddenly laughed at a joke that one of the other members had just said, and I felt my eyes start to water. This can't be happening! I stared down at the ground as the tears began to flow from my eyes. At that moment, his beautiful voice reached my ears and the dam that was holding everything in suddenly broke.
"Oh God," I suddenly blurted out as the sobs came out so hard that my body shook. I didn’t even try to cover my face this time. What was the point in doing that when he would never look at me again? He would never jump down here and wipe away my tears, or try to get me to laugh at his cute imitations of popular actors. I was in a room full of people and yet I felt so much more alone as I hugged myself and wished that my tears would just stop.
A part of me wanted to run to him while another part wanted to run away. My sobs became even louder as my favorite song began to play. It was just too painful to hear. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my body and at the same time it felt as though it was being healed. His voice washed over me and I was reminded of the person I had become. The person that couldn't go a day without thinking about him. I had tried so hard to forget him. I avoided the places I knew he would go, and ignored all his attempts to speak to me until he finally stopped trying. I had even pushed away the rest of his members even though I knew it wasn't their fault that we had broken up. I had tried so hard for so many months to erase everything about him from my life, but even I knew that it was useless.
If I wanted to be truthful, then I would admit to the sleepless nights when I would stare at the wall and wish to speak to him, to feel his flawless skin on my fingertips, to kiss his soft lips, and to stare into his cold eyes and see the raw emotions that would warm my heart and pull me closer. If I wanted to be truthful then I would climb onto the stage and hug him. I would tell him that I forgive him and tell him that I didn’t know how much longer I could survive without him. I would show him how pitiful I've become since he left. Show him the many days when I would turn his music up so loud that my neighbors couldn't hear me scream, or show him the nights when I would cry in the shower while wishing that the water would wash away my pain as easily as it did my tears.
For the first time since I started crying, I looked up at the five men singing on the stage and my eyes instantly found the one that I loved so much. For a brief second he looked down at everyone in the front row, and for just a moment I thought that he might have seen me. I couldn't bear looking at him anymore, and fortunately for me, this was their last song. As the last few words were sung, I felt the urge to return home so that I could curl up and cry for the rest of the night. I suddenly started pushing my way through the crowd and as I glanced back, I saw the five guys thanking everyone for attending the concert and making their way backstage.
He suddenly turned around as if he were searching for something, and for an instant our eyes met. He suddenly stopped walking and I could see that he looked torn between following the other members and walking closer to the edge of the stage. The screams of his fans were deafening as he took a step towards the front of the stage. He started to say something as he stared at me, but the deafening screams drowned out his heavenly voice. The microphones had already been turned off, but I wasn't sure if he knew that or not. He didn't even attempt to bring his up to his mouth as he stared at me and tried to get me to understand the words that his lips were forming. I didn't need to look at his lips though. His eyes said everything, and to me they said too much.
I slowly backed further away from the stage as I shook my head saying "no" to whatever he was trying to tell me. His look became desperate and this time he did try to use his microphone. Another member suddenly came out onto the stage began to pull him backstage. The moment his eyes left mine, I turned and ran through the crowd towards the exits at the back. I needed to get away before I did something that I'd truly regret like forgiving him.
As I made it to the main lobby, my run turned into a walk as I wiped away the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I took a few calming breaths and started to make my way out of the building when I suddenly heard the beautiful voice that I had tried so hard to forget calling my name. I kept walking hoping that I was hallucinating until I heard another voice that brought my high hopes crashing down.
"Jaejoong hyung! Wait!" I heard Changmin shout. I could hear the sound of shoes quickly hitting the floor as they came closer. I started to sob even harder and forced my feet to keep carrying me towards the exit when I felt a hand suddenly grab my wrist and spin me around. There, in front of me was the man I hated the most in the world and yet loved more than I loved myself. He stared at me with the same desperate look that I'd seen before I'd ran away. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to say something, but didn't know how to begin. I already knew that I'd lost everything when he grabbed me. Everything that I'd tried to build to keep us apart melted away as I stared at him. Before I could even stop myself, I suddenly began hitting him on his chest.
"Why?" I screamed as I continued to hit him. He didn’t block any of the hits as he continued to look at me and allow me to use him as my own personal punching bag. "Why! Why! Why!" My hits became weaker until I suddenly collapsed against him crying harder than I had in months. I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close, but I was too far gone to pull away.
"Why did you do it?" I shouted into his chest as he held me tightly. "Why did you cheat on me? Why!" Another round of sobs came out, and I suddenly pulled back far enough to reach up and pull him into a crushing kiss. I could feel myself still crying as I poured out every emotion that I felt inside me. I wanted him to know the turmoil I felt every day. The hurt that I couldn't get past and the need for him that I couldn't escape.
"I love you," I whispered with my lips still pressed to his. "I love you. I love you."
I kept saying as my hand found its way above his heart. I kept it there needing to feel his heart beat. I needed to know that this was real. That he was holding me right now and it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. I needed him. I needed him more than I needed air, and as I felt the rhythm I knew so well, I slowly began to realize that I wasn't crying anymore even though my cheeks were wet. I pulled back from our kiss to see a river of tears running down his face.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as he stared at me. The look made me shiver as if he could see right through me. "I'm sorry," he said again as he pulled me as close as he possibly could. I knew what he was thinking when he did that because I was thinking the same thing. Letting go of this embrace would mean letting go of each other. Letting go of each other would mean letting go of our past and our future. No matter how much I tried to convince myself differently, I knew that I wasn't ready let go. I never wanted to be ready to let go.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered again as he rested his forehead against mine. I pulled him into another kiss savoring the feeling of his soft lips against mine and the delicate way he deepened the kiss as if afraid that he would scare me away.
My emotions made me feel as though I were flying and drowning at the same time. My head spun and my heart ached, but at the same time, I felt more certain of what I was doing and what was happening than I ever had in the past.
I was falling. I was falling even more in love with him, but this time I was ready for it. I wasn't going to be the scared girl who feared falling in love. This time I was going to throw myself off the edge and hope that he'd catch me at the bottom. In fact, I knew that he would catch me. Even as the need for air became more urgent, he still hadn’t let me go and I knew that this time would be different. This time I wouldn't need to jump off any edge, because I knew that as long as he held me, he would never let me fall again.
Author: natsukosam
Pairings: Jaejoong/oc
Length: Oneshot
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance
Summary: What he did was unforgivable. It shook her to the core and stripped her of everything she once had...so why was she suddenly searching for what they'd lost?
I stared up at him as he smiled so carefree at sea of people before him. How could he be so happy and so content when I was standing here so miserable and broken? I envied him so much. I envied his beauty and the adoring love he always received from his fans. I envied the busy schedule that could keep him from thinking of me. How dare he forget about me so quickly and move on with his life! This was all his fault. My heart was shattered because of him, and here he was smiling as if everything was okay. I promised myself that I would move on, but as I looked up at him, a part of me wanted to go back in time.
I wanted to go back to the times when we would silently hold each other throughout the night in his apartment. It was those times that words could never explain how deep and how real our love for each other was. I wanted to go back to the times when I was sad and he would imitate the actors from the DVD's we watched in order to make me laugh. I wanted to go back to the times when he would stare at me as if I was the most important person in his world. He was the most important one in mine. I had tricked myself into giving him a chance. I might have been a fan before I met him, but I never liked the idea of dating someone so famous. I went against my own beliefs for him, and this is where it had gotten me. I had allowed him to get too close and forced myself to get even closer.
The concert had been going on for a while, and each song that had been sung seemed to stab at my broken heart even harder. I could feel my protective wall crashing down as so many memories, good and bad, flashed through my mind. It sickened me that one person could have this much control over another. This person could make me feel like the happiest person alive while also making me feel so pathetic and weak at the same time.
I knew that I could never get close to him again. I knew that seeing him again would remind me of what he had done to me, and to us. Why did I buy a ticket to his concert tonight? Why did I even purchase this ticket that was right in front of the stage? Was I trying to torture myself with this bittersweet moment? My lies that I had moved on might have worked when I was at home, or in my car, but now that I'm standing before him, I can't seem to lie to myself anymore. My mind screamed at me to leave and forget about him, but my heart screamed at me to stay and love the man that I felt knew me better than I knew myself. I didn’t want to admit it, but my heart was winning as my feet felt like they were welded to the ground.
He suddenly laughed at a joke that one of the other members had just said, and I felt my eyes start to water. This can't be happening! I stared down at the ground as the tears began to flow from my eyes. At that moment, his beautiful voice reached my ears and the dam that was holding everything in suddenly broke.
"Oh God," I suddenly blurted out as the sobs came out so hard that my body shook. I didn’t even try to cover my face this time. What was the point in doing that when he would never look at me again? He would never jump down here and wipe away my tears, or try to get me to laugh at his cute imitations of popular actors. I was in a room full of people and yet I felt so much more alone as I hugged myself and wished that my tears would just stop.
A part of me wanted to run to him while another part wanted to run away. My sobs became even louder as my favorite song began to play. It was just too painful to hear. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my body and at the same time it felt as though it was being healed. His voice washed over me and I was reminded of the person I had become. The person that couldn't go a day without thinking about him. I had tried so hard to forget him. I avoided the places I knew he would go, and ignored all his attempts to speak to me until he finally stopped trying. I had even pushed away the rest of his members even though I knew it wasn't their fault that we had broken up. I had tried so hard for so many months to erase everything about him from my life, but even I knew that it was useless.
If I wanted to be truthful, then I would admit to the sleepless nights when I would stare at the wall and wish to speak to him, to feel his flawless skin on my fingertips, to kiss his soft lips, and to stare into his cold eyes and see the raw emotions that would warm my heart and pull me closer. If I wanted to be truthful then I would climb onto the stage and hug him. I would tell him that I forgive him and tell him that I didn’t know how much longer I could survive without him. I would show him how pitiful I've become since he left. Show him the many days when I would turn his music up so loud that my neighbors couldn't hear me scream, or show him the nights when I would cry in the shower while wishing that the water would wash away my pain as easily as it did my tears.
For the first time since I started crying, I looked up at the five men singing on the stage and my eyes instantly found the one that I loved so much. For a brief second he looked down at everyone in the front row, and for just a moment I thought that he might have seen me. I couldn't bear looking at him anymore, and fortunately for me, this was their last song. As the last few words were sung, I felt the urge to return home so that I could curl up and cry for the rest of the night. I suddenly started pushing my way through the crowd and as I glanced back, I saw the five guys thanking everyone for attending the concert and making their way backstage.
He suddenly turned around as if he were searching for something, and for an instant our eyes met. He suddenly stopped walking and I could see that he looked torn between following the other members and walking closer to the edge of the stage. The screams of his fans were deafening as he took a step towards the front of the stage. He started to say something as he stared at me, but the deafening screams drowned out his heavenly voice. The microphones had already been turned off, but I wasn't sure if he knew that or not. He didn't even attempt to bring his up to his mouth as he stared at me and tried to get me to understand the words that his lips were forming. I didn't need to look at his lips though. His eyes said everything, and to me they said too much.
I slowly backed further away from the stage as I shook my head saying "no" to whatever he was trying to tell me. His look became desperate and this time he did try to use his microphone. Another member suddenly came out onto the stage began to pull him backstage. The moment his eyes left mine, I turned and ran through the crowd towards the exits at the back. I needed to get away before I did something that I'd truly regret like forgiving him.
As I made it to the main lobby, my run turned into a walk as I wiped away the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I took a few calming breaths and started to make my way out of the building when I suddenly heard the beautiful voice that I had tried so hard to forget calling my name. I kept walking hoping that I was hallucinating until I heard another voice that brought my high hopes crashing down.
"Jaejoong hyung! Wait!" I heard Changmin shout. I could hear the sound of shoes quickly hitting the floor as they came closer. I started to sob even harder and forced my feet to keep carrying me towards the exit when I felt a hand suddenly grab my wrist and spin me around. There, in front of me was the man I hated the most in the world and yet loved more than I loved myself. He stared at me with the same desperate look that I'd seen before I'd ran away. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to say something, but didn't know how to begin. I already knew that I'd lost everything when he grabbed me. Everything that I'd tried to build to keep us apart melted away as I stared at him. Before I could even stop myself, I suddenly began hitting him on his chest.
"Why?" I screamed as I continued to hit him. He didn’t block any of the hits as he continued to look at me and allow me to use him as my own personal punching bag. "Why! Why! Why!" My hits became weaker until I suddenly collapsed against him crying harder than I had in months. I felt him wrap his arms around me and pull me close, but I was too far gone to pull away.
"Why did you do it?" I shouted into his chest as he held me tightly. "Why did you cheat on me? Why!" Another round of sobs came out, and I suddenly pulled back far enough to reach up and pull him into a crushing kiss. I could feel myself still crying as I poured out every emotion that I felt inside me. I wanted him to know the turmoil I felt every day. The hurt that I couldn't get past and the need for him that I couldn't escape.
"I love you," I whispered with my lips still pressed to his. "I love you. I love you."
I kept saying as my hand found its way above his heart. I kept it there needing to feel his heart beat. I needed to know that this was real. That he was holding me right now and it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. I needed him. I needed him more than I needed air, and as I felt the rhythm I knew so well, I slowly began to realize that I wasn't crying anymore even though my cheeks were wet. I pulled back from our kiss to see a river of tears running down his face.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as he stared at me. The look made me shiver as if he could see right through me. "I'm sorry," he said again as he pulled me as close as he possibly could. I knew what he was thinking when he did that because I was thinking the same thing. Letting go of this embrace would mean letting go of each other. Letting go of each other would mean letting go of our past and our future. No matter how much I tried to convince myself differently, I knew that I wasn't ready let go. I never wanted to be ready to let go.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered again as he rested his forehead against mine. I pulled him into another kiss savoring the feeling of his soft lips against mine and the delicate way he deepened the kiss as if afraid that he would scare me away.
My emotions made me feel as though I were flying and drowning at the same time. My head spun and my heart ached, but at the same time, I felt more certain of what I was doing and what was happening than I ever had in the past.
I was falling. I was falling even more in love with him, but this time I was ready for it. I wasn't going to be the scared girl who feared falling in love. This time I was going to throw myself off the edge and hope that he'd catch me at the bottom. In fact, I knew that he would catch me. Even as the need for air became more urgent, he still hadn’t let me go and I knew that this time would be different. This time I wouldn't need to jump off any edge, because I knew that as long as he held me, he would never let me fall again.