TW: Racism; Depression; Suicidal Ideation
So back in June, a thing happened on my Tumblr.
https://icallmyselfdee.tumblr.com/
There was a post about race and white silence being white consent/agreement. And I was in a a bad place and posted to my own account how I don't have the strength for my own fights let alone other people's and its one of the reasons why I want to die.
Two people reblogged it (while blocking me) with comments about how I was a racist fuckwit.
I got the anonymous Ask I answered asking me why I derailed a post.
And I really struggled. Because when a non-white person calls a white person racist, I have to take it seriously.
When my brother (who lives in Australia) was in the UK in July I refused to see him or his children because he probably doesn't want them around a racist arsehole.
I still wonder whether I should write anything anywhere b/c God knows there are enough white voices in the world and the last thing it needs is another, racist, voice. Because if someone thinks I'm racist, I am. And my non-white friends and family do not negate that. I am white. I have privilege that I try to be aware of but I probably don't even know I have; the same as I had ableism it took me four years of being disabled to recognise.
I don't know what to do.
Killing myself over this is racist.
Living is racist.
Everything I am or do is racist.
I don't know how to NOT be racist. I've tried so hard to be aware but I can't check my privilege and I'm still a racist shit.
I voted Brexit. I did not think I did so because of race - partly because I was influenced by Poles and Romanians etc asking me why we were allowing the worst of their country over here (their organised crime and sex-traffickers etc) and partly because I hated that the trade and immigration treaties the UK used to have with the Commonwealh were not allowed under EU law - I thought I was influenced by years of working in Financial Services and seeing the effects of EU law without the ability to dissent. But if people other than white Europeans see a vote for Brexit as a vote for a racist programme, I voted for a racist programme. I believed that the Commonwealth is more important than Europe; but that's racist. Probably an overshadow of Imperialism even though Commonwealth countries have to choose to belong. But in places like Canada and Australia and New Zealand the white imposition is stronger than the native population.
Because of racism.
I don't know what to do.
So this is me signing off social media.
I can't stop being me. I don't know how to stop being racist. So I can be silent.
I'm so sorry.
https://icallmyselfdee.tumblr.com/
There was a post about race and white silence being white consent/agreement. And I was in a a bad place and posted to my own account how I don't have the strength for my own fights let alone other people's and its one of the reasons why I want to die.
Two people reblogged it (while blocking me) with comments about how I was a racist fuckwit.
I got the anonymous Ask I answered asking me why I derailed a post.
And I really struggled. Because when a non-white person calls a white person racist, I have to take it seriously.
When my brother (who lives in Australia) was in the UK in July I refused to see him or his children because he probably doesn't want them around a racist arsehole.
I still wonder whether I should write anything anywhere b/c God knows there are enough white voices in the world and the last thing it needs is another, racist, voice. Because if someone thinks I'm racist, I am. And my non-white friends and family do not negate that. I am white. I have privilege that I try to be aware of but I probably don't even know I have; the same as I had ableism it took me four years of being disabled to recognise.
I don't know what to do.
Killing myself over this is racist.
Living is racist.
Everything I am or do is racist.
I don't know how to NOT be racist. I've tried so hard to be aware but I can't check my privilege and I'm still a racist shit.
I voted Brexit. I did not think I did so because of race - partly because I was influenced by Poles and Romanians etc asking me why we were allowing the worst of their country over here (their organised crime and sex-traffickers etc) and partly because I hated that the trade and immigration treaties the UK used to have with the Commonwealh were not allowed under EU law - I thought I was influenced by years of working in Financial Services and seeing the effects of EU law without the ability to dissent. But if people other than white Europeans see a vote for Brexit as a vote for a racist programme, I voted for a racist programme. I believed that the Commonwealth is more important than Europe; but that's racist. Probably an overshadow of Imperialism even though Commonwealth countries have to choose to belong. But in places like Canada and Australia and New Zealand the white imposition is stronger than the native population.
Because of racism.
I don't know what to do.
So this is me signing off social media.
I can't stop being me. I don't know how to stop being racist. So I can be silent.
I'm so sorry.