A Bit of A Rant
Firstly, a re-blog: thefourthvine (who is amazing and whose posts I have plugged here before - she is the person who described John Sheppard of SGA as "the weird gay spacetoaster of Atlantis", which is possibly the best description of that character EVER) has done it again with her latest post [Rant] You Don't Owe Anyone Your Queer Story
I am asexual - and I am out about it. (Though I have some of the same issues with using the word "queer" (when I was a kid my parents and grandmother used "feeling queer" to refer to things like my needle-phobia or car-sickness or sick headaches etc) as I do with "ace" (Ace Rimmer anyone?), as it just doesn't feel right as a self-description.) But, my God, do I agree with thefourthvine's rant.
I will talk about being ace and my thoughts and feelings about it to anyone who asks me. And I post here about it. And I know that sometimes when giving My Important Opinions (TM) I can sound a bit soapboxy and Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park and dogmatic about things. (I rarely *mean* to be dogmatic. I just do feel I should not have to explain and excuse my opinions and apologise for *having* opinions. I just say stuff. You have the perfect right to be offended, but I am actually a bitch and a moody cow. I grew up in a family where women and children were not expected - or technically allowed - to have opinions, so bollocks to you if you don't like what I happen to think, because I fought Dad over this when I was a teenager, so you don't really compare.)
But no one can tell you how to identify. Especially not how to identify yourself to yourself. And no one should tell you that you *have* to come out.
I've been watching the latest series of Reggie Yates Extreme UK on BBC Three and even in the UK with our anti-hatred and pro-tolerance laws, young LGBT people, especially of Black and Asian descent, still find it very difficult to be accepted within their racial communities. In some Afro-Carribean cultures - and the strong Christian tradition many African and Carribean racial and national cultures are rooted in - the standards and traditions of masculinity and feminity that make it hard for LGBT young people to also find acceptance and identity as a Black man or a Black woman. Many Muslims consider that you cannot be both Muslim and LGBT just as "Bible Christians" (or Conservative/fundamentalist Christians) believe that it is impossible for a Christian to be LGBT. (Though in the "Conservative Evangelical" Church I attended for a few months, the belief was, yes, you may be *born* LGBT, because we live in a broken, fallen world, but through Faith and God's Grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, you don't have to live that "lifestyle", because Grace empowers you to resist temptation and avoid "sin". Yeah, right - according to the Gospels, looking at someone who is unsanctioned (such as someone else's husband or wife) and feeling desire is a sin equivalent with adultery. Feeling hatred or anger is a sin equivalent to murder. The point of Jesus Christ's life and ministry (IMHO) is that no one is without sin and it is impossible to avoid sin - and God loves us anyway.)
Yes, it is illegal in the UK, but it not just in Daesh controlled areas where unsanctioned sex (such as a daughter choosing her own boyfriend or having pre-marital sex) or being LGBT can cost you your life. So-called "honour" killings still happen. Even at the more "moderate" end, coming out can cost you your family. And that's in the UK. How can you tell someone to come out when even the law cannot protect them - or when (elsewhere) the law does not bother to protect them?
I remember Out!Rage - and the public outings of various public figures was happening at the same time when girls at my school were scrawling, "Dee is a lezzer!" on the bog walls. To me, both seemed equally bullying tactics. And okay, maybe I was not lesbian, but since I wasn't "straight" (and I'm not strictly homoromantic, either), I was, in my own way "bent". Back in the 90s I'd only ever heard of asexuality in association with asexual reproduction, and not as an identity, and the bullying was because I had no interest in boys and very close female friendships, so I *was* being bullied for my sexuality. (I went to an all-girls school, where the homophobia was so bad that taking a shower after PE made you "gay". You had to change your clothes from uniform to gym things without showing any flesh; shower after swimming in your costume, and then change under your towel; you could not hug your friends, even if they were crying.)
That's pretty mild and minor, all told. But the bullying did affect me, did cause depression, did colour my opinions. (It also made me examine my sexuality and really consider what I did and not want from relationships, long before I ever had my first date. It also made me think about homophobia and whether anti-LGBT attitudes made any sense, back when I was only 13. So there was that.) Telling someone that they "have" to open themselves to bullying and discrimination seems to me fundamentally wrong.
I am asexual - and I am out about it. (Though I have some of the same issues with using the word "queer" (when I was a kid my parents and grandmother used "feeling queer" to refer to things like my needle-phobia or car-sickness or sick headaches etc) as I do with "ace" (Ace Rimmer anyone?), as it just doesn't feel right as a self-description.) But, my God, do I agree with thefourthvine's rant.
I will talk about being ace and my thoughts and feelings about it to anyone who asks me. And I post here about it. And I know that sometimes when giving My Important Opinions (TM) I can sound a bit soapboxy and Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park and dogmatic about things. (I rarely *mean* to be dogmatic. I just do feel I should not have to explain and excuse my opinions and apologise for *having* opinions. I just say stuff. You have the perfect right to be offended, but I am actually a bitch and a moody cow. I grew up in a family where women and children were not expected - or technically allowed - to have opinions, so bollocks to you if you don't like what I happen to think, because I fought Dad over this when I was a teenager, so you don't really compare.)
But no one can tell you how to identify. Especially not how to identify yourself to yourself. And no one should tell you that you *have* to come out.
I've been watching the latest series of Reggie Yates Extreme UK on BBC Three and even in the UK with our anti-hatred and pro-tolerance laws, young LGBT people, especially of Black and Asian descent, still find it very difficult to be accepted within their racial communities. In some Afro-Carribean cultures - and the strong Christian tradition many African and Carribean racial and national cultures are rooted in - the standards and traditions of masculinity and feminity that make it hard for LGBT young people to also find acceptance and identity as a Black man or a Black woman. Many Muslims consider that you cannot be both Muslim and LGBT just as "Bible Christians" (or Conservative/fundamentalist Christians) believe that it is impossible for a Christian to be LGBT. (Though in the "Conservative Evangelical" Church I attended for a few months, the belief was, yes, you may be *born* LGBT, because we live in a broken, fallen world, but through Faith and God's Grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, you don't have to live that "lifestyle", because Grace empowers you to resist temptation and avoid "sin". Yeah, right - according to the Gospels, looking at someone who is unsanctioned (such as someone else's husband or wife) and feeling desire is a sin equivalent with adultery. Feeling hatred or anger is a sin equivalent to murder. The point of Jesus Christ's life and ministry (IMHO) is that no one is without sin and it is impossible to avoid sin - and God loves us anyway.)
Yes, it is illegal in the UK, but it not just in Daesh controlled areas where unsanctioned sex (such as a daughter choosing her own boyfriend or having pre-marital sex) or being LGBT can cost you your life. So-called "honour" killings still happen. Even at the more "moderate" end, coming out can cost you your family. And that's in the UK. How can you tell someone to come out when even the law cannot protect them - or when (elsewhere) the law does not bother to protect them?
I remember Out!Rage - and the public outings of various public figures was happening at the same time when girls at my school were scrawling, "Dee is a lezzer!" on the bog walls. To me, both seemed equally bullying tactics. And okay, maybe I was not lesbian, but since I wasn't "straight" (and I'm not strictly homoromantic, either), I was, in my own way "bent". Back in the 90s I'd only ever heard of asexuality in association with asexual reproduction, and not as an identity, and the bullying was because I had no interest in boys and very close female friendships, so I *was* being bullied for my sexuality. (I went to an all-girls school, where the homophobia was so bad that taking a shower after PE made you "gay". You had to change your clothes from uniform to gym things without showing any flesh; shower after swimming in your costume, and then change under your towel; you could not hug your friends, even if they were crying.)
That's pretty mild and minor, all told. But the bullying did affect me, did cause depression, did colour my opinions. (It also made me examine my sexuality and really consider what I did and not want from relationships, long before I ever had my first date. It also made me think about homophobia and whether anti-LGBT attitudes made any sense, back when I was only 13. So there was that.) Telling someone that they "have" to open themselves to bullying and discrimination seems to me fundamentally wrong.