ever feel like your eyes are bleeding instead of crying?
Yea, that's exactly how I feel right now.
I just wish I could break down and cry, but nothing comes out...is that bad?
I don't know how to feel anymore, I have so many different emotions running through my body, my mind, everything, that I feel emotionless...I feel like I just did shrooms, drank some alcohol, and took some riddlin or something to feel absolutely nothing...
well lately, life has been COMPLETE SHIT!! I really don't have any friends...at all...which, in a way, I don't care, I don't really feel like leaving the house anyway. My internship's cool cause whooaaa it's 89X, but it's not all what you think it would be...it's pretty much lame, and you don't get to see the studio, which pisses me off even more, cause I don't want to be out on the streets doing gayass promotions, I want to be in the studio working on the board. So eff that.
I'm so stressed out, I can pull my hair out, and not even care that it's not there...My heart has been stabbed, ripped out of my body, spit on, pee'd on, anything gross and gorey you can imagine, yea that has happened to me...and I'm not talking just with my relationship with Chris, but with a lot of "friends". I don't even believe that word anymore...my dad was always right, don't trust no one...I just wish I took his advice more often.
I'm turning 20 years old really soon, and I already feel like I'm 50 years old, I could care less if I died tomorrow, actually, I would love it if I did. Sometimes, I feel like I am holding a gun to my head and contemplating whether or not I should go on with life, or just end it all. 90% of the time, I would rather end it cause I have nothing left to live for...the one person that made me into such a strong young woman, was my encouragement, my best friend, like a brother, my life, my everything, is gone...yea there's my mom and she IS my best friend and my life, but in a way, I blame her for the relationship me and my dad had sometimes...My mom has ruined a lot of my relationships, with some of my bestest friends through school, with Chris, and with my dad...the one person that was my life...Everytime my parents would argue, I would tell myself not to get in the middle of it, but I would because of my mom...and then it would backlash on me, and then I was the bad person. Well, I'm not gonna go on with this, cause I'll just sit here and cry, but I don't want to sound like I'm a whuss...I have no one left in this world.
I've never felt more lonely in my life...I have no one...I can't talk to my mom about anything because all's she'll do is go to my brothers about it, or she'll sit there and talk to me about her problems, which fine, cool, tell me everything on your mind, but shit, shutup sometimes and listen to me too. Maybe that's why I do talk a lot, and I ramble about shit, cause I have no one to listen to me...I might as well not even exist...sometimes I wonder if I even do...sometimes I wonder, why the hell was I even born?? My mom did say that I was a mistake...They weren't gonna have me...why the hell did she have me?? I feel like I have no place left in this world...I always see that someone has someone to lean on, who do I have??? no one. That's right, because all's most of my friends do is talk to me about their lame ass "problems", honestly, I don't care, I'm being blunt right now, I really don't give a shit about lame girly problems anymore, there's more to life...I just lost my dad, do you really think I wanna hear about what happened when you were drunk?? no, not really...i couldn't give two shits. This whole time since my dad's been gone, there are two people in particular though that I want to thank with ALL OF MY HEART...MJ and Char Bar...you guys are AMAZING...I don't know what I would do with you guys...Char Bar, me and you go back...and if it wasn't for Char Bar, I don't know how I would remain sane...and MJ, without her, I don't even know what the hell I would do, she puts me in a good reality check most of the time, and keeps me so grounded and calm with my life...thank you guys for being there for me basically every single day since my dad's been gone...and even before that. You guys give me the strength to keep moving on with my life and keep me focused on what is important in life instead of the bullshit all around me.
All's most of my friends do nowadays is party and get drunk...honestly, I understand in high school it was "cool" and your freshmen year in college it was "the thing to do"...but c'mon, most of us are 20, 21, 22...it's pretty lame now, not pretty lame, more like REALLY EFFIN LAME....it's retarded, a waste of money, and a waste of your life.
I don't give a shit though, I refuse to put that shit in my body....I was thinking about going to Canada for my birthday, but then I realized, the smell of liquor makes me gag, and beer just tastes like water to me now cause I used to drink it all the effin time, and now that my little party beer belly is gone, why the hell do I want to put my body through that shit again??? It's retarded...So instead for my birthday, I'm gonna go to a nice expensive restaraunt with my family and quite possibly the beach...waaaay more fun that getting drunk, almost getting arrested for doing something stupid, and not remembering my birthday.
I'm getting my hair done on Thursday for my birthday, thanks to my brother...platinum blonde highlights and chestnut brown lowlights...I'm gonna look rad...then I have Panic! at the Disco on Friday with MJ and Alison...I'm pretty excited♥
anyways, I'm done venting, rambling, complaining, and preaching.
Goodnite minus the good.
I just wish I could break down and cry, but nothing comes out...is that bad?
I don't know how to feel anymore, I have so many different emotions running through my body, my mind, everything, that I feel emotionless...I feel like I just did shrooms, drank some alcohol, and took some riddlin or something to feel absolutely nothing...
well lately, life has been COMPLETE SHIT!! I really don't have any friends...at all...which, in a way, I don't care, I don't really feel like leaving the house anyway. My internship's cool cause whooaaa it's 89X, but it's not all what you think it would be...it's pretty much lame, and you don't get to see the studio, which pisses me off even more, cause I don't want to be out on the streets doing gayass promotions, I want to be in the studio working on the board. So eff that.
I'm so stressed out, I can pull my hair out, and not even care that it's not there...My heart has been stabbed, ripped out of my body, spit on, pee'd on, anything gross and gorey you can imagine, yea that has happened to me...and I'm not talking just with my relationship with Chris, but with a lot of "friends". I don't even believe that word anymore...my dad was always right, don't trust no one...I just wish I took his advice more often.
I'm turning 20 years old really soon, and I already feel like I'm 50 years old, I could care less if I died tomorrow, actually, I would love it if I did. Sometimes, I feel like I am holding a gun to my head and contemplating whether or not I should go on with life, or just end it all. 90% of the time, I would rather end it cause I have nothing left to live for...the one person that made me into such a strong young woman, was my encouragement, my best friend, like a brother, my life, my everything, is gone...yea there's my mom and she IS my best friend and my life, but in a way, I blame her for the relationship me and my dad had sometimes...My mom has ruined a lot of my relationships, with some of my bestest friends through school, with Chris, and with my dad...the one person that was my life...Everytime my parents would argue, I would tell myself not to get in the middle of it, but I would because of my mom...and then it would backlash on me, and then I was the bad person. Well, I'm not gonna go on with this, cause I'll just sit here and cry, but I don't want to sound like I'm a whuss...I have no one left in this world.
I've never felt more lonely in my life...I have no one...I can't talk to my mom about anything because all's she'll do is go to my brothers about it, or she'll sit there and talk to me about her problems, which fine, cool, tell me everything on your mind, but shit, shutup sometimes and listen to me too. Maybe that's why I do talk a lot, and I ramble about shit, cause I have no one to listen to me...I might as well not even exist...sometimes I wonder if I even do...sometimes I wonder, why the hell was I even born?? My mom did say that I was a mistake...They weren't gonna have me...why the hell did she have me?? I feel like I have no place left in this world...I always see that someone has someone to lean on, who do I have??? no one. That's right, because all's most of my friends do is talk to me about their lame ass "problems", honestly, I don't care, I'm being blunt right now, I really don't give a shit about lame girly problems anymore, there's more to life...I just lost my dad, do you really think I wanna hear about what happened when you were drunk?? no, not really...i couldn't give two shits. This whole time since my dad's been gone, there are two people in particular though that I want to thank with ALL OF MY HEART...MJ and Char Bar...you guys are AMAZING...I don't know what I would do with you guys...Char Bar, me and you go back...and if it wasn't for Char Bar, I don't know how I would remain sane...and MJ, without her, I don't even know what the hell I would do, she puts me in a good reality check most of the time, and keeps me so grounded and calm with my life...thank you guys for being there for me basically every single day since my dad's been gone...and even before that. You guys give me the strength to keep moving on with my life and keep me focused on what is important in life instead of the bullshit all around me.
All's most of my friends do nowadays is party and get drunk...honestly, I understand in high school it was "cool" and your freshmen year in college it was "the thing to do"...but c'mon, most of us are 20, 21, 22...it's pretty lame now, not pretty lame, more like REALLY EFFIN LAME....it's retarded, a waste of money, and a waste of your life.
I don't give a shit though, I refuse to put that shit in my body....I was thinking about going to Canada for my birthday, but then I realized, the smell of liquor makes me gag, and beer just tastes like water to me now cause I used to drink it all the effin time, and now that my little party beer belly is gone, why the hell do I want to put my body through that shit again??? It's retarded...So instead for my birthday, I'm gonna go to a nice expensive restaraunt with my family and quite possibly the beach...waaaay more fun that getting drunk, almost getting arrested for doing something stupid, and not remembering my birthday.
I'm getting my hair done on Thursday for my birthday, thanks to my brother...platinum blonde highlights and chestnut brown lowlights...I'm gonna look rad...then I have Panic! at the Disco on Friday with MJ and Alison...I'm pretty excited♥
anyways, I'm done venting, rambling, complaining, and preaching.
Goodnite minus the good.