(no subject)
Parpity bimbley parp parp parp
ehh
Today is slow and full of apathy, not exactly feeling down, just, it’s like there’s something missing.
Visiting home has given me a massive nostalgia beating, and I’m not sure it’s entirely welcome, as much as I do miss the “good old days” as they were I dono. I feel bad about the fact that I lost touch with some people, and that they resent me for it, I mean lots of those people just don’t know about Izzy and I and subsequently I don’t know about them or their other half(s), if they exist. My past almost feels in a quantum state of both existing and not existing, it almost feels like someone else past, and I long for the chance to go back, say things left unsaid, and do things I never got the chance to do. Not to change the future at all, just to make things better.
I know these days it seems to make a post without mentioning my dressing up, but one of the things that’s been getting to me is how much that aspect of my life appears to have changed, in one way, half of them never really knew. I expected some in this group had their suspicions or wouldn’t be surprised by it at any rate, I feel shit about leaving it unsaid, and more that people might have just got the wrong impression or similar.
The other group are the people who I told before I left. Or made hints at, or similar. Just ... how much I’ve grown in it, I feel they deserve the right to know how it all went, and I have the duty to tell them. It might be more the fact that I want them to know they really helped and supported me when I needed it.
I don’t want to keep shouting it out their all the damn time, but I just can’t get it out enough, I know everyone reading this, and more or less everyone in Liverpool that I know, knows and doesn’t mind ((at least that much, I hope. I mean I’ve given enough chances to people to say otherwise, but *shrug* I’d rather know than not)) but I still seem to feel the need to keep beating it into people; A thing I have noticed that I do, and I realised that all of this is probably starting to grind somewhat.
I don’t really make these posts for people to read and reply to, don’t get me wrong, it’s really nice that people do and it really does mean allot to me, but I’ve always seen LJ, at least in this sense, as a tool to document how one is feeling.
You know, when I was about 16, and leaving GCSE to 6th form I wanted to go to the leavers do in a dress. I spoke to my parents about this trying to make it seem like I wanted to do it as a joke, then as the convocation got more and more one sided to me obviously wanting to dress up I decided that I should tell them. I still think they were unimpressed, a tat surprised but not completely and on the whole very dubious about the situation, I ended up going in a suit. Before all of this there were very few people who knew, all of them in other countries where they could never get in touch with A) my parents and B) my school mates. After the event I started talking to some people closer to me. Just a few, as I got closer to leaving A level a greater proportion of people knew.
Then it came to leaving for university, a large argument with my parents ensued about wanting to dress up for leavers again, fruitlessly, I never ended up going to leavers however, I got rather ill the morning of it and I wasn’t well enough. I still feel really shit about that, but alas. I had this plan, that I would get all my friends in a room, something like a hotel or a restaurant, just us in a room, and I would tell them all, at the same time, and that would be that. I never really had any idea of how they would react or even if I had any ability to do said thing, but I spent weeks almost fixated on this idea ... it never game to fruition. Then I left for university.
And I went slightly mad.
I think it was just the freedom that no one here knew me or had any preconceptions. Meeting Lora, Ben, Helen and Dan really boosted the strength of my feelings, you guys really helped me feel more covetable with who I was / am and there is so much I will never be able to pay you back for, I know it sounds really soppy, but you guys really helped
I know this is a somewhat tangent, but Celyn, I love you, so much. You held me together for those 4 years or so before I came up to Liverpool. Without you I would have probably ended up in a Psyc ward swaying slowly. Much much love!
Returning to my previous statement; being around such supportive people, in a close sense and in a wider, RPG/Anime soc sense lead me to dress up an awful lot compared to the old days when I would snatch times I could dress up at home. The idea of being able to do it whenever I wanted, within reason, was great! I don’t regret anything I did in my 1st year ((in reference to this anyway)) In fact I wish I had had the guts to do more! The second year went well too, I dressed up slightly less, mainly because I didn’t want to piss some people off, and I had a few bad experiences ((ref: Tim2)), the height of that year was going to the architecture Christmas ball in a gown. I loved that day, it felt so liberating, and was something I wanted to do for so long and had finally grasped the chance with both hands. I loved it so much I did it again this year.
So I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know what it is about all of this that just gets me down so much right now. I know that almost everyone around me accepts my dressing up and part who I am, and I know that I could dress up almost whenever I wanted to. In fact I could probably get away with going into the studio dressed up, something else I’ve wanted for the past years. I mean I would probably get a bit of stick for it but in the long run I think everyone is mature enough to realise accepts it; especially what with my facebook imgs and the Christmas balls and such. But Gah! I can’t break this cycle of wanting to, denying myself it, and regretting afterwards. A prime example of this is 40K, or poker nights, I really wanted to dress up last 40k ... but didn’t ... I don’t even know why! I just didn’t ... I’m really glad I managed to for Gaz’s Lan ((I just hope that KJ and Steve weren’t too put off by it, let alone anyone else ... but see previous statement on people saying things)).
Urgh ...
I don’t know where all that came from really. I was just going to spell check the apathy in word an then I just started writing. Not sure what’s come over me. I guess being around my parents makes me think about all of this over and over again. I mean I never really got any sort of closure on the whole convocation about it with them, I don’t think they really understand how much it means to me and how much I do dress up. I still think they are thinking its a phase I’m going though and will eventually come out of it. Maybe they think Izzy will jolt me out of it? Maybe a steady job, or whatever ... I just don’t think they get it ...
And then there’s the whole thing about wedding dresses, and the precise number when Izzy and I get married ... I’m not even sure how I feel about that yet, let alone how I would convince my parents to be ok with it.
But that’s another though for another time.
As for now, I have a DnD character sheet to write for Gaz’s game, whenever that is ... and I need to worry about work, and getting a house, and all that stuff.
As a final note; I’m toying with the idea of dressing up for the Apoc game. Not 100% sure if I want to, or if it’s a good idea. I shall see.
ehh
Today is slow and full of apathy, not exactly feeling down, just, it’s like there’s something missing.
Visiting home has given me a massive nostalgia beating, and I’m not sure it’s entirely welcome, as much as I do miss the “good old days” as they were I dono. I feel bad about the fact that I lost touch with some people, and that they resent me for it, I mean lots of those people just don’t know about Izzy and I and subsequently I don’t know about them or their other half(s), if they exist. My past almost feels in a quantum state of both existing and not existing, it almost feels like someone else past, and I long for the chance to go back, say things left unsaid, and do things I never got the chance to do. Not to change the future at all, just to make things better.
I know these days it seems to make a post without mentioning my dressing up, but one of the things that’s been getting to me is how much that aspect of my life appears to have changed, in one way, half of them never really knew. I expected some in this group had their suspicions or wouldn’t be surprised by it at any rate, I feel shit about leaving it unsaid, and more that people might have just got the wrong impression or similar.
The other group are the people who I told before I left. Or made hints at, or similar. Just ... how much I’ve grown in it, I feel they deserve the right to know how it all went, and I have the duty to tell them. It might be more the fact that I want them to know they really helped and supported me when I needed it.
I don’t want to keep shouting it out their all the damn time, but I just can’t get it out enough, I know everyone reading this, and more or less everyone in Liverpool that I know, knows and doesn’t mind ((at least that much, I hope. I mean I’ve given enough chances to people to say otherwise, but *shrug* I’d rather know than not)) but I still seem to feel the need to keep beating it into people; A thing I have noticed that I do, and I realised that all of this is probably starting to grind somewhat.
I don’t really make these posts for people to read and reply to, don’t get me wrong, it’s really nice that people do and it really does mean allot to me, but I’ve always seen LJ, at least in this sense, as a tool to document how one is feeling.
You know, when I was about 16, and leaving GCSE to 6th form I wanted to go to the leavers do in a dress. I spoke to my parents about this trying to make it seem like I wanted to do it as a joke, then as the convocation got more and more one sided to me obviously wanting to dress up I decided that I should tell them. I still think they were unimpressed, a tat surprised but not completely and on the whole very dubious about the situation, I ended up going in a suit. Before all of this there were very few people who knew, all of them in other countries where they could never get in touch with A) my parents and B) my school mates. After the event I started talking to some people closer to me. Just a few, as I got closer to leaving A level a greater proportion of people knew.
Then it came to leaving for university, a large argument with my parents ensued about wanting to dress up for leavers again, fruitlessly, I never ended up going to leavers however, I got rather ill the morning of it and I wasn’t well enough. I still feel really shit about that, but alas. I had this plan, that I would get all my friends in a room, something like a hotel or a restaurant, just us in a room, and I would tell them all, at the same time, and that would be that. I never really had any idea of how they would react or even if I had any ability to do said thing, but I spent weeks almost fixated on this idea ... it never game to fruition. Then I left for university.
And I went slightly mad.
I think it was just the freedom that no one here knew me or had any preconceptions. Meeting Lora, Ben, Helen and Dan really boosted the strength of my feelings, you guys really helped me feel more covetable with who I was / am and there is so much I will never be able to pay you back for, I know it sounds really soppy, but you guys really helped
I know this is a somewhat tangent, but Celyn, I love you, so much. You held me together for those 4 years or so before I came up to Liverpool. Without you I would have probably ended up in a Psyc ward swaying slowly. Much much love!
Returning to my previous statement; being around such supportive people, in a close sense and in a wider, RPG/Anime soc sense lead me to dress up an awful lot compared to the old days when I would snatch times I could dress up at home. The idea of being able to do it whenever I wanted, within reason, was great! I don’t regret anything I did in my 1st year ((in reference to this anyway)) In fact I wish I had had the guts to do more! The second year went well too, I dressed up slightly less, mainly because I didn’t want to piss some people off, and I had a few bad experiences ((ref: Tim2)), the height of that year was going to the architecture Christmas ball in a gown. I loved that day, it felt so liberating, and was something I wanted to do for so long and had finally grasped the chance with both hands. I loved it so much I did it again this year.
So I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know what it is about all of this that just gets me down so much right now. I know that almost everyone around me accepts my dressing up and part who I am, and I know that I could dress up almost whenever I wanted to. In fact I could probably get away with going into the studio dressed up, something else I’ve wanted for the past years. I mean I would probably get a bit of stick for it but in the long run I think everyone is mature enough to realise accepts it; especially what with my facebook imgs and the Christmas balls and such. But Gah! I can’t break this cycle of wanting to, denying myself it, and regretting afterwards. A prime example of this is 40K, or poker nights, I really wanted to dress up last 40k ... but didn’t ... I don’t even know why! I just didn’t ... I’m really glad I managed to for Gaz’s Lan ((I just hope that KJ and Steve weren’t too put off by it, let alone anyone else ... but see previous statement on people saying things)).
Urgh ...
I don’t know where all that came from really. I was just going to spell check the apathy in word an then I just started writing. Not sure what’s come over me. I guess being around my parents makes me think about all of this over and over again. I mean I never really got any sort of closure on the whole convocation about it with them, I don’t think they really understand how much it means to me and how much I do dress up. I still think they are thinking its a phase I’m going though and will eventually come out of it. Maybe they think Izzy will jolt me out of it? Maybe a steady job, or whatever ... I just don’t think they get it ...
And then there’s the whole thing about wedding dresses, and the precise number when Izzy and I get married ... I’m not even sure how I feel about that yet, let alone how I would convince my parents to be ok with it.
But that’s another though for another time.
As for now, I have a DnD character sheet to write for Gaz’s game, whenever that is ... and I need to worry about work, and getting a house, and all that stuff.
As a final note; I’m toying with the idea of dressing up for the Apoc game. Not 100% sure if I want to, or if it’s a good idea. I shall see.