bitch bitch bitch.....i apologize in advance
lately i've been feeling very alone...and for some reason this compels me to push people away completely....leaving me in an state of utter isolation. i really weird myself out when i start to analyze everything. i honestly think that i'm my own worst enemy because i ultimately bring myself down. i want a fresh start, this amazing new beginning, but i'm scared that i can't ever reach this perfection because of my flawed past. one of the many things that i despise about myself is my inability to forget or let go of the past. this has caused one too many problems in my life...i hate when i get this way because i begin to doubt everything and everyone. i've become so cynical, and perhaps dysfunctional...i don't like the person that i am at all...some days i will accept things as they are and attempt to smile, while sometimes i'm about ready to smack someone in the face. i can no longer share my writing with anyone because i can't take anymore criticism. i feel as though my dream of becoming a journalist is slipping away along with my pride. i'm not the person i once was. i know that after seventeen years of taking shit as it comes and still being positive and nice through it all destroyed me, because now it leaves me as an eighteen year old girl who is full of hatred when everyone else is finally beginning to feel love. it's frustrating for me to sit and think to myself that perhaps i'm a late bloomer, and it's even more frustrating to think to myself that maybe my cycle was backward and the good is over and it's time for the bad. i hate the feeling of emptiness because i don't want to begin to self-pity, which burries a person deeper. but when i get like this i feel like there's no one to trust because i don't remember the last time i trusted myself. maybe it's just that i'm realizing that everything is ending, it's almost over, and the grand finale isn't how i envisioned it at all. i suppose that there is frustration, but more so regret because i know that i am responsible for the downfall. i feel like i'm going to leave behind a story that i'm ashamed of, a story that gives no pride or hope to my name, and future that is completely uncertain. that is what scares me, that's what makes me feel alone. i know that the future unfolds in time, but i wish that i could have a glimpse to somewhat ease this tension. i don't want it all to be in vain. i want that life with a house out east with puppies and maybe a boy. i need some hope. i need to not feel so damn alone.