(no subject)
My heart hurts. I just sent this e-mail to Adam:
"To be honest, it hasn't put my mind at rest [Letter I got in response to my disappointment over lack of warning over materials needed]. I feel like a total dick because I KNOW that I should try and stick with it, but I'm so bloody useless. I can't go to a cupboard and use materials from it, I can't go to the toilet if I need to, I couldn't even take my drink out of my bag and take a sip. I always try to come across as completely confident, but it's utter bollocks.
There's a chance of me going to the classes and enjoying it, but there's a huge chance of me starting to fall behind in understanding things and being unable to ask for help or the like, and if that happens I'll just freeze up and do nothing, 'thus making the situation worse. The thought of doing this one, simple piece of homework has left me with an insane amount of stress.
I have difficulty just telling myself to do simple things like the washing up! Because it isn't lazyness, it's this horrible, inexplicable lack of motivation that makes me sick with panic and worry at the thought of doing anything other than just sitting still.
And now I feel like a dick for e-mailing about the materials, and I also know that I probably can't claim money back for materials because that requires getting evidence of being on incapacity benefit if the enrolling stuff was anything to go by, not income support - and that is difficult.
I don't know if I can do this. I WANT to do it, but it feels just like college felt.. Individual classes feel great at first, and then things slide downhill really quickly. I'm so fucking angry at myself because I haven't changed in the slightest, and this is only one bloody class a week.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I shouldn't be filled with horrific dread and panic all day long every day over one class a week.
I think that possibly I should try anti-depressants again, but definitely I need to try and get counselling again and try to stick with it. I feel so horrible because I know that you don't understand and you just think that I should get on with it (which, by the way, is like being at my parents house again) but I'm not making excuses and it feels like that's what this is to you. I'm really not blaming you at all, I just wish that you could understand.
My happiness and mental stability is more important to me than forcing myself back into a horrible situation, of which I have had far too much experience with.
-Nathan"
"To be honest, it hasn't put my mind at rest [Letter I got in response to my disappointment over lack of warning over materials needed]. I feel like a total dick because I KNOW that I should try and stick with it, but I'm so bloody useless. I can't go to a cupboard and use materials from it, I can't go to the toilet if I need to, I couldn't even take my drink out of my bag and take a sip. I always try to come across as completely confident, but it's utter bollocks.
There's a chance of me going to the classes and enjoying it, but there's a huge chance of me starting to fall behind in understanding things and being unable to ask for help or the like, and if that happens I'll just freeze up and do nothing, 'thus making the situation worse. The thought of doing this one, simple piece of homework has left me with an insane amount of stress.
I have difficulty just telling myself to do simple things like the washing up! Because it isn't lazyness, it's this horrible, inexplicable lack of motivation that makes me sick with panic and worry at the thought of doing anything other than just sitting still.
And now I feel like a dick for e-mailing about the materials, and I also know that I probably can't claim money back for materials because that requires getting evidence of being on incapacity benefit if the enrolling stuff was anything to go by, not income support - and that is difficult.
I don't know if I can do this. I WANT to do it, but it feels just like college felt.. Individual classes feel great at first, and then things slide downhill really quickly. I'm so fucking angry at myself because I haven't changed in the slightest, and this is only one bloody class a week.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I shouldn't be filled with horrific dread and panic all day long every day over one class a week.
I think that possibly I should try anti-depressants again, but definitely I need to try and get counselling again and try to stick with it. I feel so horrible because I know that you don't understand and you just think that I should get on with it (which, by the way, is like being at my parents house again) but I'm not making excuses and it feels like that's what this is to you. I'm really not blaming you at all, I just wish that you could understand.
My happiness and mental stability is more important to me than forcing myself back into a horrible situation, of which I have had far too much experience with.
-Nathan"