An open Apology for Nickelback
Dear world,
Ok, ok, we know, OK? We know. It’s been a long time coming, and we’ve been avoiding it, but with the Olympics coming and in the interest of smoothing over the whole speed skating thing, here it is: An official apology on behalf of Canada for Nickelback.
Well, lets do a quick recap of the band, and see where exactly our responsibility lies, and where we can shove some of the blame onto...I dunno, terrorism.
The band originally hails from Hanna, Alberta, (Texas with snow, FYI), and consisted of basically just the three Kroeger brothers: Chad, the bearded one, Mike, the one with a car, and Brandon, the expendable one. They formed in 1995, and after what must have been an exhausting search, settled on the name, “Nickelback”. The story behind this goes that the name came from the phrase, “here’s your nickel back”, which Mike said all the time while working at Starbucks. Apparently, people are consistently five cents over the price at Starbucks in Alberta. Either that, or Mike is some sort of savant that can pinpoint every nickel in a handful of change like a dull, shitty-bassist version of Rainman.
Still more badass than Nickelback
Either way, that’s the name they settled on, which means that to them there was no better option. Really? An off-hand remark is what they settled on? We can see this working for some kind of ironic ska band, but not a rock/country band that takes themselves as seriously as U2 while having the talent of an autistic Bon-Jovi. Oh well, we’ll just fantasize about names that could have grown from their other occupations, like “FriesWithThat”, “ComeAgain”, and “BBJIsExtra”.
Oh, get over it, you rock a goatee/perm combo, what did you expect?
By 1997, they had moved to Vancouver (picture Seattle and Jamaica having a really snobby kid, and you’ve got Vancouver), kicked Brandon out of the band, and released their first album, Curb; proving once again that if they see or hear something enough, they will name something after it. The album didn’t really do much, and Nickelback was poised to fade into nothingness like any shitty band should; and this is where Canada must take some of the blame. You see, up here we have this law that Canadian radio and TV stations have to air a certain amount of Canadian content to keep those talented Yankee bastards from dominating the airwaves. Usually, this means that we hear a lot of Rush, The Guess Who, and Barenaked Ladies, but every once in a while they’ll play a new band, and in 1998, guess who (lol) was next in line…
Yep, you guessed it, kiddo.
The State was their next album, and was a decent success in Canada, though they were still rather unknown across the border. This ‘Cancon’ policy, however, pushed them just to the brink or international success, and set them up for their next album…
We think the backwards 'b' is a metaphor for originality
Their breakthrough album, Silver Side Up, was released on September 11th, 2001. Yep, that’s right: THE September 11th. As if that day needed a worse reputation. Pop quiz, hot shot: Doc Brown shows up in the Delorean with enough plutonium to go back to September 10, 2001, but only enough time to stop ONE thing from happening, what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? We know what we’d do
Well we wouldn’t want to keep this movie from happening. Besides, would you rather Nic Cage star in the Nickleback biopic: "How they were Reminded"? Didn’t think so.
Well, ok, maybe.
Now, not to dwell on this whole 9/11 thing too hard, but might we suggest that the incredible timing of this album somehow aided in its success? Let’s paint this picture for you. “How you remind me” is already a pretty big hit, getting a lot of play on the radio, and Chad and crew are most likely getting some face time spouting off their simple-minded ideas on love, music, life, freedom, and pilsner. The album is set to be moderately successful, and then BAM! The biggest clusterfuck in American history hits. Now, not to oversimplify people’s emotions, but is it that much of a stretch to think that songs called, “How you remind me”, “Never again”, and “Good times gone” would appeal to a post-tragedy crowd of rock, country, and grunge fans?
Of course, this is all conjecture, but if you agree, then you must also agree that the terrorists have indeed won.
Cheer up, kid; at least we got Saddam, right?
Now the rest is pretty much history. They’ve been a huge success, wooing fans of bland music all over the world, and have been yet another thorn in the musical side of Canada. And any of you reading this outside of Canada, just imagine now that you live less than an hour away from Chad, how would that make you feel? Trust us- that feeling is punishment enough. When the zombie apocalypse comes, we are coming for you, Chad.
So there it is, we humbly apologize, and promise to do our best not to let this happen again.
What? Theory of a Deadman? Umm…never heard of them...
To play us out, here is a video of Nickelback being booed off stage, and two of their songs being played simultaneously to show off just how high their suck knob goes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7F3O6WYfHQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs4tNeGyTyI