Fic: The Words of his Soul (Percy, Remus, PG)
Title: The Words of his Soul
Pairing/Characters: Percy Weasley, Remus Lupin
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~ 1500
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine.
Summary: Remus wanted nothing more than to help, to make a difference in the fight against Voldemort. He might still get his chance, even if Harry turned him away.
Notes: Written for settiai for the percy_ficathon. Thank you to thrihyrne for the beta.
I hurry along the streets of London, desperate to reach my destination without attracting too much attention. The capital is no longer a safe place.
I keep my head down and never see the wizard approaching. We bump into each other, we apologise, and I am just about to continue on my way when I realise who is in front of me - Percy Weasley.
"Oh, hello Percy," I say.
"Professor." He nods, casting a nervous glance around.
I look at Percy - and see myself. Percy looks every bit the prim Ministry official as he presents himself. Behind the façade hide his true feelings. When I look closer I see the circles under his eyes, the nervous twitch of his left eyelid. He looks haunted as he checks around for people watching our encounter.
Getting involved with a Ministry official is foolish in the present climate, but I start to feel sorry for Percy. He must be about the same age we were when James and Lily were betrayed. So young. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"
"I don't know. I don't think I can. I don't think I should," he stammers in reply.
"I know a place that's not on the Ministry's radar if that helps." I have no idea what makes me sure I can trust him, but I do. He reminds me of myself back in those days.
Percy looks around again before nodding a fraction. I tell him where to meet me, then I bide my leave, hoping that Percy will actually turn up. He has so readily agreed to this meeting, which is dangerous for both of us and by extension for the Order.
When you hear Percy Weasley talk, you would never guess that something troubles him, but his soul speaks a different language. The words of his soul are truthful. They are painful to hear, especially when you look into young Percy Weasley's eager face when he tells about his job, his career, about how happy he is at the Ministry. What he doesn't say, but what his soul screams - you can see it in his eyes, but not always, and certainly not if you don't know how to look - is that he is lonely, that he misses his family, that he doesn't know how to go back, how to apologise. That he's scared, that he doesn't know what to do.
What worries me most when I hear him talk like this is that one day his soul might stop protesting. That it will relent to the words of his mind, the voice of reason.
"Percy, your family is worried about you. I hope you realise that."
"I'm not sure actually. They seemed glad enough to see me leave."
"You left after a fight. Don't forget that. They might hold a grudge for a while, but they most certainly don't want to see you hurt, Percy. You don't have to go through this alone!"
"Have you ever made such a grave mistake that you didn't know how you could ever make amends for it?"
His question, so carefully delivered, stings. I would have left my family, had it not been for Harry. It still embarrasses me to think about how one of my best friends' son, who never got the chance to grow up with his own family, had to remind me of the values of family. I don't know if Harry will ever be able to forgive me, nor do I know whether he will even have the chance to do so. None of us know where he is, we can only hope that he's okay. I wish I could have helped him, Hermione and Ron.
My thoughts have carried me away, and Percy's concerned voice shakes me from my musings.
I decide to be honest with him and reply.
"I have. Many mistakes, to be honest. Some of them I will never be able to fix because the people I hurt are dead. That is perhaps my biggest mistake: that I waited until it was too late to fix them. Don't make that same mistake, Percy."
Percy considers me for a minute, then nods as he takes his leave. "I'd better go now. I have to be at work early tomorrow."
He doesn't mention a future meeting, and I can only hope I haven't pushed him away.
&&&
The next day I contemplate my meeting with Percy. He has always been somewhat of the odd one out in his family, but he always was still essentially a Weasley. Someone who cares for his loved ones. Someone who wants his loved ones to be happy. What is different about Percy is that he has always been extremely hard on himself, very unforgiving, always pushing himself further, aiming for more - success, money, anything. It makes me sad when I realise that he must have always thought he had to do these things in order to be loved and accepted, as a way to distinguish himself from the rest of the boys. This is why admitting to his errors, mistakes, failures is so incredibly hard for him. Percy can't forgive himself, and he can't imagine that anyone else, not even his family, would be able to do so. How can I possibly convince him that he's wrong? Wrong about his family, and wrong about being so unforgiving?
It is obvious he's struggling. Trying to reconcile two contrary lines of thought, two conflicting emotions. He is proud of his achievements at the Ministry, and rightly so. He can't just leave all that behind, I understand. At the same time he wants so desperately to get back to his family, and he can't. I can imagine how much just a simple hug from his mother would mean. He's still so young, just out of school. He shouldn't have to do all this alone.
And yet, there are things that we need to do on our own. I can try to point him in the right direction, but he has to decide to follow such paths himself. Can I be such a guide? I turned away from my family when I was younger even than he is now, and I have regretted that step, and I always will. But regret won't bring them back. Nothing will. I very nearly made the same mistake again earlier this year. I know Percy will never forgive himself if something happens to his family before he has the chance to allow them back into his life. I know what that feels like and I don't think anyone should have to go through that.
&&&
Tonight, Percy Weasley has shown up at Grimmauld. He must have come straight after work. I hear the owl knock on the window in the library, delivering a note telling me that Percy is waiting to meet me. And sure enough, when I look out the front window, he is standing in the square, looking very out of place. He must have followed me back here one evening. Typical, always doing his research, and he is thorough about it, too. I can't very well let him into headquarters, so I send a return owl, telling him to meet me at the café around the corner.
He is already sitting at a table, a pot of tea in front of him when I arrive. Something is different tonight, I can tell by the way his shoulders hang down rather than being held somewhat stiffly.
"Percy?" I ask quietly.
"Hello, Remus. I'm glad you could come."
"Of course, Percy. What can I do for you?"
"I - I mean, I, well ..." Percy clears his throat.
When he looks up, I am surprised to see tears filling his eyes. He rubs his eyes angrily and clearing his throat again, he starts anew.
"I don't think I can do this much longer. I don't know how to leave. It'll be suspicious and I don't want to put anyone in danger, if you know what I mean." He says all that very quickly in an urgent whisper, glancing around nervously to check that we aren't overheard. "I don't know what to do, Remus. I just don't know what to do."
I can't say I expected this to happen. I believed the walls around his vulnerable self to be stronger, harder to break down. I am glad it happened though. It tells me that his soul is still strong, that there is hope yet.
"We'll find a way. Don't worry." I get up and sit down beside him, putting an arm around his shoulder. "We'll find a way, Percy," I insist.
"I hope you're right."
I can feel him shifting uncomfortably in my embrace, so I move away a fraction and retract my arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"It's okay," he says without meeting my eye. "I'm just not very good with this sort of thing, you know."
I smile. "Come, let's order dinner."
When all is said and done, maybe I couldn't help Harry the way I had intended to, but helping Percy might be even better.
Harry already has innumerable supporters, Percy none - or so he thinks.
Pairing/Characters: Percy Weasley, Remus Lupin
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~ 1500
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine.
Summary: Remus wanted nothing more than to help, to make a difference in the fight against Voldemort. He might still get his chance, even if Harry turned him away.
Notes: Written for settiai for the percy_ficathon. Thank you to thrihyrne for the beta.
I hurry along the streets of London, desperate to reach my destination without attracting too much attention. The capital is no longer a safe place.
I keep my head down and never see the wizard approaching. We bump into each other, we apologise, and I am just about to continue on my way when I realise who is in front of me - Percy Weasley.
"Oh, hello Percy," I say.
"Professor." He nods, casting a nervous glance around.
I look at Percy - and see myself. Percy looks every bit the prim Ministry official as he presents himself. Behind the façade hide his true feelings. When I look closer I see the circles under his eyes, the nervous twitch of his left eyelid. He looks haunted as he checks around for people watching our encounter.
Getting involved with a Ministry official is foolish in the present climate, but I start to feel sorry for Percy. He must be about the same age we were when James and Lily were betrayed. So young. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"
"I don't know. I don't think I can. I don't think I should," he stammers in reply.
"I know a place that's not on the Ministry's radar if that helps." I have no idea what makes me sure I can trust him, but I do. He reminds me of myself back in those days.
Percy looks around again before nodding a fraction. I tell him where to meet me, then I bide my leave, hoping that Percy will actually turn up. He has so readily agreed to this meeting, which is dangerous for both of us and by extension for the Order.
When you hear Percy Weasley talk, you would never guess that something troubles him, but his soul speaks a different language. The words of his soul are truthful. They are painful to hear, especially when you look into young Percy Weasley's eager face when he tells about his job, his career, about how happy he is at the Ministry. What he doesn't say, but what his soul screams - you can see it in his eyes, but not always, and certainly not if you don't know how to look - is that he is lonely, that he misses his family, that he doesn't know how to go back, how to apologise. That he's scared, that he doesn't know what to do.
What worries me most when I hear him talk like this is that one day his soul might stop protesting. That it will relent to the words of his mind, the voice of reason.
"Percy, your family is worried about you. I hope you realise that."
"I'm not sure actually. They seemed glad enough to see me leave."
"You left after a fight. Don't forget that. They might hold a grudge for a while, but they most certainly don't want to see you hurt, Percy. You don't have to go through this alone!"
"Have you ever made such a grave mistake that you didn't know how you could ever make amends for it?"
His question, so carefully delivered, stings. I would have left my family, had it not been for Harry. It still embarrasses me to think about how one of my best friends' son, who never got the chance to grow up with his own family, had to remind me of the values of family. I don't know if Harry will ever be able to forgive me, nor do I know whether he will even have the chance to do so. None of us know where he is, we can only hope that he's okay. I wish I could have helped him, Hermione and Ron.
My thoughts have carried me away, and Percy's concerned voice shakes me from my musings.
I decide to be honest with him and reply.
"I have. Many mistakes, to be honest. Some of them I will never be able to fix because the people I hurt are dead. That is perhaps my biggest mistake: that I waited until it was too late to fix them. Don't make that same mistake, Percy."
Percy considers me for a minute, then nods as he takes his leave. "I'd better go now. I have to be at work early tomorrow."
He doesn't mention a future meeting, and I can only hope I haven't pushed him away.
&&&
The next day I contemplate my meeting with Percy. He has always been somewhat of the odd one out in his family, but he always was still essentially a Weasley. Someone who cares for his loved ones. Someone who wants his loved ones to be happy. What is different about Percy is that he has always been extremely hard on himself, very unforgiving, always pushing himself further, aiming for more - success, money, anything. It makes me sad when I realise that he must have always thought he had to do these things in order to be loved and accepted, as a way to distinguish himself from the rest of the boys. This is why admitting to his errors, mistakes, failures is so incredibly hard for him. Percy can't forgive himself, and he can't imagine that anyone else, not even his family, would be able to do so. How can I possibly convince him that he's wrong? Wrong about his family, and wrong about being so unforgiving?
It is obvious he's struggling. Trying to reconcile two contrary lines of thought, two conflicting emotions. He is proud of his achievements at the Ministry, and rightly so. He can't just leave all that behind, I understand. At the same time he wants so desperately to get back to his family, and he can't. I can imagine how much just a simple hug from his mother would mean. He's still so young, just out of school. He shouldn't have to do all this alone.
And yet, there are things that we need to do on our own. I can try to point him in the right direction, but he has to decide to follow such paths himself. Can I be such a guide? I turned away from my family when I was younger even than he is now, and I have regretted that step, and I always will. But regret won't bring them back. Nothing will. I very nearly made the same mistake again earlier this year. I know Percy will never forgive himself if something happens to his family before he has the chance to allow them back into his life. I know what that feels like and I don't think anyone should have to go through that.
&&&
Tonight, Percy Weasley has shown up at Grimmauld. He must have come straight after work. I hear the owl knock on the window in the library, delivering a note telling me that Percy is waiting to meet me. And sure enough, when I look out the front window, he is standing in the square, looking very out of place. He must have followed me back here one evening. Typical, always doing his research, and he is thorough about it, too. I can't very well let him into headquarters, so I send a return owl, telling him to meet me at the café around the corner.
He is already sitting at a table, a pot of tea in front of him when I arrive. Something is different tonight, I can tell by the way his shoulders hang down rather than being held somewhat stiffly.
"Percy?" I ask quietly.
"Hello, Remus. I'm glad you could come."
"Of course, Percy. What can I do for you?"
"I - I mean, I, well ..." Percy clears his throat.
When he looks up, I am surprised to see tears filling his eyes. He rubs his eyes angrily and clearing his throat again, he starts anew.
"I don't think I can do this much longer. I don't know how to leave. It'll be suspicious and I don't want to put anyone in danger, if you know what I mean." He says all that very quickly in an urgent whisper, glancing around nervously to check that we aren't overheard. "I don't know what to do, Remus. I just don't know what to do."
I can't say I expected this to happen. I believed the walls around his vulnerable self to be stronger, harder to break down. I am glad it happened though. It tells me that his soul is still strong, that there is hope yet.
"We'll find a way. Don't worry." I get up and sit down beside him, putting an arm around his shoulder. "We'll find a way, Percy," I insist.
"I hope you're right."
I can feel him shifting uncomfortably in my embrace, so I move away a fraction and retract my arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"It's okay," he says without meeting my eye. "I'm just not very good with this sort of thing, you know."
I smile. "Come, let's order dinner."
When all is said and done, maybe I couldn't help Harry the way I had intended to, but helping Percy might be even better.
Harry already has innumerable supporters, Percy none - or so he thinks.