Where Is my Mind?
ok, i know theres been an iceage or two since ive done a proper update to my journal, rather than just youtube vids or other such crap that has no real meaning, relevance, and doesnt light so much of a spark of interest to anyone that reads this.... not that anyone does seeing as its never updated... to be honest, i update when i want with what i want because i want to, and wish for there to be nothing to tie me to such a thing, and for there to be not so much as an ounce of guilt inside me for not updating, or only updating with crap. This time its gonna be different. This time im gonna update with whats on my mind, and run off in tangents to my choosing, or not of my choosing (whatever feels appropriate). Excuses now over im actually gonna start now, rather than satisfying my guilt for not updating. <-- that is a full stop, you can breathe now!
Do you ever feel like your at a changing point in your life? that things inside you are pointing in the direction of change? Recently ive had rogue thoughts in my head of this nature. One of these thoughts display a certain curiousity to neaten up my appearance, to put my vast collection of jeans and t-shirts to one side, and live in a smart suit and tie from now on. This of course, is never gonna happen, as i love my jeans and teeshirts, and have a severe distaste for suits, as to me they signify misery and materialism. Another thought which has plagued my mind is that of cutting my hair short and presentable. This again is never gonna happen. Ive been there and done that, and the conclusion that i have the wrong shaped head for short hair, and my hair curves at that awkward angle that will never look good whatever i do to it. With long hair that problem is reduced with gravitys contribution. In short, regardless how sucky my hair looks long, its worse short.
Ive had simelar thoughts regarding to my beard also, altho there is definately room for productive neatening in that case. Why am i plaguing myself with these thoughts? Its like like somebodies inside my head trying to undo the me-ness and imprint their own desires onto me? what if that person is me? but why would it be? I quite like my appearance and such and am very fond of myself and who i am at this moment. Those are some of the more 'Sensable' thoughts, and others do get wierd..
Some part of me wants to have a serious accident, which results in have my face needing to be reconstructed, so i can get it remade with a perminant smile to one side, resulting in a reaaallly creepy face, where whatever expression i make, is still marked with a creepy eeriee smile. Combine this with the earlier thoughts and ill end up as one seriously creepy guy, who may one day, turn into an evil genious and one day take over the world, or at least part of it. This is also weird, though ive always fantisised world domination. this route involved both power and politics, both of which i severely detest. Power involves responsibility, organisation, massess of ppl who love you, and even more who hate you. Politics because its power mongering, and stupid, and a clever platform created to enable grown men and women to have giant bitching contests while maintaining the illusion of dignity and authority. All this is then disguised with the deception that theyre infact running the country or even care for it. I see through that deception and wont have anything to do with it. this is why i dont vote, and generally hate politics.
So my delusions of grandeur are flawed and based on the foundations of things that i reaally disslike, and really arnt me, so why the dissfigured face?
Recently ive also conciddered reading novels with long words in them, just for the purpose of being able to quote really intellegent and profound jibberish that probably has no real meaning or sense, but makes ppl think im smart, intelegent with an IQ to match, just based on the fact that they didnt understand a single word i said, but it sounded good. This is also odd as im not really a big fan of reading or wordy stuff... but its invaded my mind never the less. Ive even conciddered writing that kind of stuff, and maybe even do it for this years NaNoWriMo which i havnt started yet and probably wont even get round to doing this late in the month. This is more weiredness as im reaally not into writing.. (hence the rarity of proper updates), it bores me to death and i get no pleasure from it. My loves in the creative scope have always been visual and audible, never written.
This brings me to Art.
I think that one of the reasons i never get round to Story writing (bar my disspleasure of writing), is that that all my ideas for it seem to me like just excuses to draw. I visualise scenes and characters from my ideas, but never a plot or a story to match. I get distracted from writing, with attempts to draw the said scenes and characters. Then i get frustrated by my lack of skill in that area to portray my visions to a satisfactory level. My problem is, that my strengths and skill in art is very different to my artistic desires. In short, im good at doing things i dont want to really do, and sucky in the areas i want to pursue, which is why i always under achieve in the said subject, as i always have to compromise what im good at for what i want to do or vice versa.
Many times ive asked myself what is it i actually like in art, and scared myself with the lack of an answer. I look paintings/drawings across different styles and genres, art with skill and beauty extremely evident. Art i like, and respect.. but when i look deep inside me, i dont love. It doesnt light any spark within me. This is art i like, but i get a consistant feeling that someting is missing, it feels empty. Fine art just feels very empty for me now, lonely, quiet.. missing something, something important. This has bothered me for some time. The reason ive never really known what direction i want to go with it. But relatively i think ive placed whats missing. ive found art that fullfills in all areas. Art which which comes in the form of Animation. More specifically, the work of Hayao Miyazaki. I dont know if you have seen any of his films, but if you have, you may well know where im comming from. Bare in mind ive allways had a love for 2d hand drawn traditional animation most my life, so when i watch these things i appreciate them highly from an artistic point of view as well as from the film perspective. There is something about Miyazakis work, something unique that ive never seen from anyone else. I cant put my finger on what it is, but he seems to capture something special in his films. Some kind of life, some kind of spark, again, its a factor that i cant place, but its very prominent. A good example of this would be in the 'My Neighbour Totoro' work. probably his most successful. Nothing really happens, theres no bad guys, the closest thing to peril in the film is when a little girl gets lost. It stays in one place most the time, nothing really happens of significance from a film perspective. Its even shown in the history of the film, as they couldnt get it published as a film in its own right. As nothing really happens in it, the film ppl couldnt really see any potential, or content, or anything to justify them publishing it. So it had to be released as a double bill bonus film alongside Grave of the fireflies. but its truely rich with the magic that i cant place, which only miyazaki seems to be able to create.
There is also another artistic factor to animation, and indeed most film . An important factor which is often overlooked. The Soundtrack. When music visual art are mixed, they synergize to create, in my opinion the greatest form of art. The Soundtrack adds a significant degree of depth to art. The audio-visual combination works together to create a sort of 3d art, where the art creates the height and width, and the music creates the depth and mood. A good example of this is in the Star Wars films. Just imagine the films without the music in the background. They lose ALOT. Ive always believed that the score played a VERY significant role in what made SW what it is. Infact ive always pondered what the film would have been if John Williams wasnt hired to write the music. I personally believe that had it been someone else, SW wouldnt have been A fraction of what it is now.
The significance of music in this role only consciously came to my attention when it occured to me that virtually everything i listen to, enjoy and indeed own most these days is soundtracks, though mainly from anime rather than western films.
All this in mind, i find that music doesnt have nearly the same effect on its own. I dont think many of the soundtracks i own would appeal nearly as much if they didnt have some animation/film to associate themselves with. I think that music need the help of the visual just as much as the visual needs the help of the music to really shine. Music just loves to latch itself onto stuff, even if it doesnt have any specific visual media to attatch itself to, it very often attatches itself to memories or era's, even moreso that visuals, for better or for worse. If you look at a photo, you see it and it triggers a memory, but ive always found that from a photo, i see the memory and im looking back at it as it happens from a spectator seat, and im not actually part of it. But in a memory recorded through sound, it seems to take me back there and relive it alot more. A good example of this would be the bus stop wait. i went through a phase of listening to a certain album while waiting for a bus. Now i cant listen to that album as my minds fully associated it with waiting for the bus, and every time i hear it, it takes me straight back to that bus stop. If i saw a photo of me waiting at that same bus stop it wouldnt have nearly the same effect.
I seem to be going off most forms of other music these days. Most chart music just doesnt have any substance. Its just music that seems to have no real purpose other than to make the 'artist' (i dont like that term as most ppl in the charts are just puppets singing glorified karioke and have no link to art what so ever) popular and rich, the quick route to fame. The same is true for most other styles of popular music, be it rock, dance, jazz, rap.. etc, most of it serves no purpose than to glorify the 'artists' and make them rich. This makes music feel really empty to me, and really lacking. Ive slowly gone off alot (not all) music ive liked in the past years due to this, not thru conscious descision, but subconscioulsy over time. Music should have a real purpose!
i must be getting old.
anyway.. that was quite a change of topic from the beginning of the blog... so back on topic... my mind seems to be being controlled by some outside force that doesnt like me... trying to turn me into something im not... either that or im starting to go crazy.. i do hope not :S
im gonna close here because its late and its turning into an essay... excuse the lowsy spelling, the awful punctuation and absent capital letters... this is a blog so its unimportant and i really cant be assed!
tata for now
Do you ever feel like your at a changing point in your life? that things inside you are pointing in the direction of change? Recently ive had rogue thoughts in my head of this nature. One of these thoughts display a certain curiousity to neaten up my appearance, to put my vast collection of jeans and t-shirts to one side, and live in a smart suit and tie from now on. This of course, is never gonna happen, as i love my jeans and teeshirts, and have a severe distaste for suits, as to me they signify misery and materialism. Another thought which has plagued my mind is that of cutting my hair short and presentable. This again is never gonna happen. Ive been there and done that, and the conclusion that i have the wrong shaped head for short hair, and my hair curves at that awkward angle that will never look good whatever i do to it. With long hair that problem is reduced with gravitys contribution. In short, regardless how sucky my hair looks long, its worse short.
Ive had simelar thoughts regarding to my beard also, altho there is definately room for productive neatening in that case. Why am i plaguing myself with these thoughts? Its like like somebodies inside my head trying to undo the me-ness and imprint their own desires onto me? what if that person is me? but why would it be? I quite like my appearance and such and am very fond of myself and who i am at this moment. Those are some of the more 'Sensable' thoughts, and others do get wierd..
Some part of me wants to have a serious accident, which results in have my face needing to be reconstructed, so i can get it remade with a perminant smile to one side, resulting in a reaaallly creepy face, where whatever expression i make, is still marked with a creepy eeriee smile. Combine this with the earlier thoughts and ill end up as one seriously creepy guy, who may one day, turn into an evil genious and one day take over the world, or at least part of it. This is also weird, though ive always fantisised world domination. this route involved both power and politics, both of which i severely detest. Power involves responsibility, organisation, massess of ppl who love you, and even more who hate you. Politics because its power mongering, and stupid, and a clever platform created to enable grown men and women to have giant bitching contests while maintaining the illusion of dignity and authority. All this is then disguised with the deception that theyre infact running the country or even care for it. I see through that deception and wont have anything to do with it. this is why i dont vote, and generally hate politics.
So my delusions of grandeur are flawed and based on the foundations of things that i reaally disslike, and really arnt me, so why the dissfigured face?
Recently ive also conciddered reading novels with long words in them, just for the purpose of being able to quote really intellegent and profound jibberish that probably has no real meaning or sense, but makes ppl think im smart, intelegent with an IQ to match, just based on the fact that they didnt understand a single word i said, but it sounded good. This is also odd as im not really a big fan of reading or wordy stuff... but its invaded my mind never the less. Ive even conciddered writing that kind of stuff, and maybe even do it for this years NaNoWriMo which i havnt started yet and probably wont even get round to doing this late in the month. This is more weiredness as im reaally not into writing.. (hence the rarity of proper updates), it bores me to death and i get no pleasure from it. My loves in the creative scope have always been visual and audible, never written.
This brings me to Art.
I think that one of the reasons i never get round to Story writing (bar my disspleasure of writing), is that that all my ideas for it seem to me like just excuses to draw. I visualise scenes and characters from my ideas, but never a plot or a story to match. I get distracted from writing, with attempts to draw the said scenes and characters. Then i get frustrated by my lack of skill in that area to portray my visions to a satisfactory level. My problem is, that my strengths and skill in art is very different to my artistic desires. In short, im good at doing things i dont want to really do, and sucky in the areas i want to pursue, which is why i always under achieve in the said subject, as i always have to compromise what im good at for what i want to do or vice versa.
Many times ive asked myself what is it i actually like in art, and scared myself with the lack of an answer. I look paintings/drawings across different styles and genres, art with skill and beauty extremely evident. Art i like, and respect.. but when i look deep inside me, i dont love. It doesnt light any spark within me. This is art i like, but i get a consistant feeling that someting is missing, it feels empty. Fine art just feels very empty for me now, lonely, quiet.. missing something, something important. This has bothered me for some time. The reason ive never really known what direction i want to go with it. But relatively i think ive placed whats missing. ive found art that fullfills in all areas. Art which which comes in the form of Animation. More specifically, the work of Hayao Miyazaki. I dont know if you have seen any of his films, but if you have, you may well know where im comming from. Bare in mind ive allways had a love for 2d hand drawn traditional animation most my life, so when i watch these things i appreciate them highly from an artistic point of view as well as from the film perspective. There is something about Miyazakis work, something unique that ive never seen from anyone else. I cant put my finger on what it is, but he seems to capture something special in his films. Some kind of life, some kind of spark, again, its a factor that i cant place, but its very prominent. A good example of this would be in the 'My Neighbour Totoro' work. probably his most successful. Nothing really happens, theres no bad guys, the closest thing to peril in the film is when a little girl gets lost. It stays in one place most the time, nothing really happens of significance from a film perspective. Its even shown in the history of the film, as they couldnt get it published as a film in its own right. As nothing really happens in it, the film ppl couldnt really see any potential, or content, or anything to justify them publishing it. So it had to be released as a double bill bonus film alongside Grave of the fireflies. but its truely rich with the magic that i cant place, which only miyazaki seems to be able to create.
There is also another artistic factor to animation, and indeed most film . An important factor which is often overlooked. The Soundtrack. When music visual art are mixed, they synergize to create, in my opinion the greatest form of art. The Soundtrack adds a significant degree of depth to art. The audio-visual combination works together to create a sort of 3d art, where the art creates the height and width, and the music creates the depth and mood. A good example of this is in the Star Wars films. Just imagine the films without the music in the background. They lose ALOT. Ive always believed that the score played a VERY significant role in what made SW what it is. Infact ive always pondered what the film would have been if John Williams wasnt hired to write the music. I personally believe that had it been someone else, SW wouldnt have been A fraction of what it is now.
The significance of music in this role only consciously came to my attention when it occured to me that virtually everything i listen to, enjoy and indeed own most these days is soundtracks, though mainly from anime rather than western films.
All this in mind, i find that music doesnt have nearly the same effect on its own. I dont think many of the soundtracks i own would appeal nearly as much if they didnt have some animation/film to associate themselves with. I think that music need the help of the visual just as much as the visual needs the help of the music to really shine. Music just loves to latch itself onto stuff, even if it doesnt have any specific visual media to attatch itself to, it very often attatches itself to memories or era's, even moreso that visuals, for better or for worse. If you look at a photo, you see it and it triggers a memory, but ive always found that from a photo, i see the memory and im looking back at it as it happens from a spectator seat, and im not actually part of it. But in a memory recorded through sound, it seems to take me back there and relive it alot more. A good example of this would be the bus stop wait. i went through a phase of listening to a certain album while waiting for a bus. Now i cant listen to that album as my minds fully associated it with waiting for the bus, and every time i hear it, it takes me straight back to that bus stop. If i saw a photo of me waiting at that same bus stop it wouldnt have nearly the same effect.
I seem to be going off most forms of other music these days. Most chart music just doesnt have any substance. Its just music that seems to have no real purpose other than to make the 'artist' (i dont like that term as most ppl in the charts are just puppets singing glorified karioke and have no link to art what so ever) popular and rich, the quick route to fame. The same is true for most other styles of popular music, be it rock, dance, jazz, rap.. etc, most of it serves no purpose than to glorify the 'artists' and make them rich. This makes music feel really empty to me, and really lacking. Ive slowly gone off alot (not all) music ive liked in the past years due to this, not thru conscious descision, but subconscioulsy over time. Music should have a real purpose!
i must be getting old.
anyway.. that was quite a change of topic from the beginning of the blog... so back on topic... my mind seems to be being controlled by some outside force that doesnt like me... trying to turn me into something im not... either that or im starting to go crazy.. i do hope not :S
im gonna close here because its late and its turning into an essay... excuse the lowsy spelling, the awful punctuation and absent capital letters... this is a blog so its unimportant and i really cant be assed!
tata for now