hard day
"Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup..."
Sounds like my own Monday.
Had to collect the debts from my clients - I wish our accounting department wasn't that complicated, so they hopefully would make less mistakes, so I wouldn't make my clients think our company is one they will never ever call to again..
Anyway, worse for me as I'm the sales-manager in it..
My ex called me today again for two minutes or so to talk, I guess I will never understand him and his behavior, especially the one to me as I honestly do not know if we are together or apart for now, I suppose we are over, but not sure for 100% - he's such a mysterious man :)
Anyway I always look for the future, I suppose he does the same as he always want to talk "later" instead of now, just now, right now and... never again. I wish life was easier and it was easier to make the mistakes and to solve the problems: to tell the truth I would not want to make any mistakes ever again, just want to life the normal life, better the perfect one with no tears, no sadness and faults, but I suppose that is unlikely to happen, then I'd like to make at least less wrong decisions, but I always look for something new and it often leads to the wrong way and something always spoils the moment.
Like yoga I enjoyed a lot for so long time, still I felt there was something wrong about it and only in few years I realized I was wrong about going there as that was not just a training, but idolatry - with all those mantras and cult - brrr, I'm still angry at myself for doing those things, I wish I knew what is 100% right to do it and 100% wrong not to, I'd be the happiest person ever I suppose, knowing the truth and (yes, I've always liked it a lot even if nobody else did) teaching the others. I had an illusion for a very long time that I can be a very good teacher, actually I think that is still possible, just not... for that ridiculous money I earned in the International House courses - I don't even remember my salary, but that was too small and the students - really lazy sometimes.
I do not think people change, I think their main features of the characters always stay the same, but the way they see the life changes, the line between what is wrong and what is right is too wobbly, too small and still that's possible to see it, to figure out the truth. For me it's based on some philosophy I'd rather not say which one, but I am sure there's just one truth which can be given to everyone in a different way with the different examples, but still the truth is one and I strongly disagree that there are as many truths as people in the would - no way, otherwise everyone would live separately from each other, world of strangers..
I've enjoyed "A funny man's dream" of Dostoevsky today - it really showed me the way I'd love the world to be, even though it may seem to be Utopia, I believe that will happen one day, everyone will be happy and merry and safe. Hopefully it will happen soon or everyone can start from himself to make this dream come true, I've started already, but I can tell it's very hard to control myself, knowing I should do that, sometimes I just get angry and want to scream, sometimes too tired - just about to fall asleep at work, sometimes too lazy - doing nothing hating myself for that, but I hope I can change, will I? When?.. Look forward to it, working on it..
Night night, x x
Fill my coffee cup..."
Sounds like my own Monday.
Had to collect the debts from my clients - I wish our accounting department wasn't that complicated, so they hopefully would make less mistakes, so I wouldn't make my clients think our company is one they will never ever call to again..
Anyway, worse for me as I'm the sales-manager in it..
My ex called me today again for two minutes or so to talk, I guess I will never understand him and his behavior, especially the one to me as I honestly do not know if we are together or apart for now, I suppose we are over, but not sure for 100% - he's such a mysterious man :)
Anyway I always look for the future, I suppose he does the same as he always want to talk "later" instead of now, just now, right now and... never again. I wish life was easier and it was easier to make the mistakes and to solve the problems: to tell the truth I would not want to make any mistakes ever again, just want to life the normal life, better the perfect one with no tears, no sadness and faults, but I suppose that is unlikely to happen, then I'd like to make at least less wrong decisions, but I always look for something new and it often leads to the wrong way and something always spoils the moment.
Like yoga I enjoyed a lot for so long time, still I felt there was something wrong about it and only in few years I realized I was wrong about going there as that was not just a training, but idolatry - with all those mantras and cult - brrr, I'm still angry at myself for doing those things, I wish I knew what is 100% right to do it and 100% wrong not to, I'd be the happiest person ever I suppose, knowing the truth and (yes, I've always liked it a lot even if nobody else did) teaching the others. I had an illusion for a very long time that I can be a very good teacher, actually I think that is still possible, just not... for that ridiculous money I earned in the International House courses - I don't even remember my salary, but that was too small and the students - really lazy sometimes.
I do not think people change, I think their main features of the characters always stay the same, but the way they see the life changes, the line between what is wrong and what is right is too wobbly, too small and still that's possible to see it, to figure out the truth. For me it's based on some philosophy I'd rather not say which one, but I am sure there's just one truth which can be given to everyone in a different way with the different examples, but still the truth is one and I strongly disagree that there are as many truths as people in the would - no way, otherwise everyone would live separately from each other, world of strangers..
I've enjoyed "A funny man's dream" of Dostoevsky today - it really showed me the way I'd love the world to be, even though it may seem to be Utopia, I believe that will happen one day, everyone will be happy and merry and safe. Hopefully it will happen soon or everyone can start from himself to make this dream come true, I've started already, but I can tell it's very hard to control myself, knowing I should do that, sometimes I just get angry and want to scream, sometimes too tired - just about to fall asleep at work, sometimes too lazy - doing nothing hating myself for that, but I hope I can change, will I? When?.. Look forward to it, working on it..
Night night, x x