A little bit more ofa truthful journal.
This jounral entry might be a little more on the truthful side. It is because I am little angry.
Before I get started... I just saw THE DEPARTED. Pretty hardcore. It had elements that reminded me of Hamlet. I hope I didnt give too much away for those of you who havent seen it yet.
I dont get along with everyone. I actually dont like a lot of people. More than the usual person does, I think. I resent a lot of people... and I question peoples worth in the world. I say to myslef, "What are you actually CONTRIBUTING to the world. Art? Personality? Work? Love?" In my opinion, a lot of people cant answer those questions truthfully and have a real answer.
I hate working at night, but I like serving. I really need to find a lunch shift job that I can make MONEY at. Like, enough to support myself. Is that possible? I would go to Claim Jumpers or PF Changs, but I dont think I am going to be around here too much longer... Maybe San Jose. Maybe Santa Cruz. I still dont understand why I cant move far away. Austin? SF? Boston?
Hellogoodbye is horrible in concert.
I catch myself having very violent flashes of emotion. I really try to live my life relaxed, not stressed, and chilled out. But I have really had to CREATE that lifestyle- because my sister and mom are so high strung.
My first reaction is always anger- or stress- or jealousy. I have been taught to be like that, I think. And I have been trying to teach myslef to stop- but it is hard and tedious. I have to be tenacious.
When I get the violent emotions I really want to fight someone. Really really. And maybe in reality I am not the best fighter. I dont work out and I have slim to no practice. Even the sports I really like are non-contact. But once my emotion gets pumping, I feel like I could easily kill someone... and feel no guilt. Like a hitman from a movie. Slowly I snap out of it and I dont understand why I felt like that. Why wasnt I cool and collect? Why did I stress? Why did I assume and jump to conclusions? One of these days... I fear I wont be alone when the flash comes- and something bad might happen. I feel like I kind of go back to primitive human thought.
I make a lot of bad decesions. Suprisingly most of the decisions people think are the bad ones, I dont think are.
I hate that I still live at home and go to CSU Easy Bay.
Sometimes I can be a dick. A serious asshole. I know this. I think it is only because I am so confused with that situation that I use "asshole" as a defense? Usually I feel bad about it later. On the other hand, I think I give people too many chances too. And I usually forget when people hurt me. I dont have the best memory. But if you betray me, whether YOU think it is justified or not, I will never forget it. Especially for people I feel I have gone out of my way to help out in previous situations.
This is not a pity entry. These are my honest feelings... I need to improve upon these things, I think.
Before I get started... I just saw THE DEPARTED. Pretty hardcore. It had elements that reminded me of Hamlet. I hope I didnt give too much away for those of you who havent seen it yet.
I dont get along with everyone. I actually dont like a lot of people. More than the usual person does, I think. I resent a lot of people... and I question peoples worth in the world. I say to myslef, "What are you actually CONTRIBUTING to the world. Art? Personality? Work? Love?" In my opinion, a lot of people cant answer those questions truthfully and have a real answer.
I hate working at night, but I like serving. I really need to find a lunch shift job that I can make MONEY at. Like, enough to support myself. Is that possible? I would go to Claim Jumpers or PF Changs, but I dont think I am going to be around here too much longer... Maybe San Jose. Maybe Santa Cruz. I still dont understand why I cant move far away. Austin? SF? Boston?
Hellogoodbye is horrible in concert.
I catch myself having very violent flashes of emotion. I really try to live my life relaxed, not stressed, and chilled out. But I have really had to CREATE that lifestyle- because my sister and mom are so high strung.
My first reaction is always anger- or stress- or jealousy. I have been taught to be like that, I think. And I have been trying to teach myslef to stop- but it is hard and tedious. I have to be tenacious.
When I get the violent emotions I really want to fight someone. Really really. And maybe in reality I am not the best fighter. I dont work out and I have slim to no practice. Even the sports I really like are non-contact. But once my emotion gets pumping, I feel like I could easily kill someone... and feel no guilt. Like a hitman from a movie. Slowly I snap out of it and I dont understand why I felt like that. Why wasnt I cool and collect? Why did I stress? Why did I assume and jump to conclusions? One of these days... I fear I wont be alone when the flash comes- and something bad might happen. I feel like I kind of go back to primitive human thought.
I make a lot of bad decesions. Suprisingly most of the decisions people think are the bad ones, I dont think are.
I hate that I still live at home and go to CSU Easy Bay.
Sometimes I can be a dick. A serious asshole. I know this. I think it is only because I am so confused with that situation that I use "asshole" as a defense? Usually I feel bad about it later. On the other hand, I think I give people too many chances too. And I usually forget when people hurt me. I dont have the best memory. But if you betray me, whether YOU think it is justified or not, I will never forget it. Especially for people I feel I have gone out of my way to help out in previous situations.
This is not a pity entry. These are my honest feelings... I need to improve upon these things, I think.