I can't believe I made it this far
I didn't oversleep, my alarm didn't go off and there's a difference. Why Ray woke up and decided to walk up 2 flights of stairs to ask me about it is confusing at best but there he was at 5:27 in the morning. "aren't you supposed to be at the airport?" I assumed he was fucking with me. I had set TWO alarms and tested them both. I look at the clock it IS 5:27. MOTHERFUCKER!! I jump up and wonder exactly how fucked I am. Can I change the flight, can I make the flight, I'm leaving RIGHT NOW what will I forget? My phone? I forgot it last time I went to Wisconsin. They cancelled my flight and I had no way to tell my family when and where to pick me up. I packed last night and I should have everything but truth to tell I'm an idiot and I was a little drunk last night. I grab whatever I can and run for the door, remembering the new FCC rules, you HAVE to be at the airport 3 full days before your flight. Ray drives faster than I've ever gone in a Jeep and I assume we're going to die. We get to PDX and I tell Ray I'll call him in fifteen minutes if I can't get on my flight. He says considering how fast he got us there he'll probably be home in bed by then.
I race inside to an empty counter and the lady at Delta tells me I need to the self check in or NWA as they recently merged. "You can't help me?, my flight's with Delta" "No." she says. She then proceeds to help me by doing all the work at the kiosk. I choose the shortest line at security which does me no good whatsoever as it is run by 1 hot girl and 3 guys who can't stop looking at the hot girl. My bag gets stopped.
"Dave?"
"Yeah?"
"take a look at this"
"is it a laptop?"
"No, it's a (mouthes word) grenade"
"Yeah" I say, "it's a belt buckle." I figure it's gone but they decide to let me through with it and I take off for my gate stopping only to get a lemonade which I slam like marathon runner and a tiny cup of Gatorade.
I get on the plane (which I booked months ago, at which time I requested WINDOW seats) and found my spot between the two fattest Kenny Rogers-living-on-pudding-and-Doritos motherfuckers EVER. Middle seat no where to go, full flight and and AND there's a mother of three boys and a fucking baby two rows up from me.
"This is gonna be a long flight" says Kenny Rogers living on pudding and Doritos sitting on my left, in MY window seat.
"yup" I settle in and try to get some sleep. This does not happen. I feel every second of the flight. The only time I almost fall asleep is when I'm trying to stay awake for drink service. A can of OJ which I gulp down faster than the lemonade from earlier.
At the end of the flight the people behind me "git to talkin'" one of 'em is on his way to Graceland he's a fan of Elvis's older 70's stuff but not so much the "Hound Dog" era. The other man asks how old Elvis was when he died "42" says the latter day fan. "Man," the other guy says "time flies when your having a good time"
Seriously. I didn't change that at all.
"time flies, when you're having a good time"
A few seconds later as they marvel how fast we've gotten from Portland to Minneapolis one guys says "beats walkin"
Yes, you are correct about that
The other guys says "yeah, left Portland this morning, Minneapolis a few hours later and I'll be fartin in a bed in Memphis by sundown.
Which I liked.
Onward to Madison
PS I think I forgot my deodorant and toothpaste, both replaceable. I did bring my phone charger which shocked the HELL outta me. I gotta eat.. My clock says 10:34 but that can't be right.
I race inside to an empty counter and the lady at Delta tells me I need to the self check in or NWA as they recently merged. "You can't help me?, my flight's with Delta" "No." she says. She then proceeds to help me by doing all the work at the kiosk. I choose the shortest line at security which does me no good whatsoever as it is run by 1 hot girl and 3 guys who can't stop looking at the hot girl. My bag gets stopped.
"Dave?"
"Yeah?"
"take a look at this"
"is it a laptop?"
"No, it's a (mouthes word) grenade"
"Yeah" I say, "it's a belt buckle." I figure it's gone but they decide to let me through with it and I take off for my gate stopping only to get a lemonade which I slam like marathon runner and a tiny cup of Gatorade.
I get on the plane (which I booked months ago, at which time I requested WINDOW seats) and found my spot between the two fattest Kenny Rogers-living-on-pudding-and-Doritos motherfuckers EVER. Middle seat no where to go, full flight and and AND there's a mother of three boys and a fucking baby two rows up from me.
"This is gonna be a long flight" says Kenny Rogers living on pudding and Doritos sitting on my left, in MY window seat.
"yup" I settle in and try to get some sleep. This does not happen. I feel every second of the flight. The only time I almost fall asleep is when I'm trying to stay awake for drink service. A can of OJ which I gulp down faster than the lemonade from earlier.
At the end of the flight the people behind me "git to talkin'" one of 'em is on his way to Graceland he's a fan of Elvis's older 70's stuff but not so much the "Hound Dog" era. The other man asks how old Elvis was when he died "42" says the latter day fan. "Man," the other guy says "time flies when your having a good time"
Seriously. I didn't change that at all.
"time flies, when you're having a good time"
A few seconds later as they marvel how fast we've gotten from Portland to Minneapolis one guys says "beats walkin"
Yes, you are correct about that
The other guys says "yeah, left Portland this morning, Minneapolis a few hours later and I'll be fartin in a bed in Memphis by sundown.
Which I liked.
Onward to Madison
PS I think I forgot my deodorant and toothpaste, both replaceable. I did bring my phone charger which shocked the HELL outta me. I gotta eat.. My clock says 10:34 but that can't be right.