death

Nov 04, 2009 17:46

i've spent the last couple months in a place i felt i had no choice but to be in
a place where numbness seemed to overcome everything
a smile was fake
my passion and love replace by carelessness and anger

i hated that person i was.
yes i know hate is a strong word
but i HATED that person
and i still adamantly believe that person was not me
i don't know who it was but it was not me

my passions have changed
the LGBT RC is no longer a passion
it was a great place for me to be in last year but i'm not so sure about it this yea
but that's not what i want to talk about

i had a choice
my life is one entire decision making process
i had a choice to be numb
to be angry (i know who i was angry at and i know what i was angry about
i refused to say out loud to anyone or to even write it down
not sure why but i did)
and what finally led me to make the choice to be me again?
death

yea death
my dad's death is a huge part of who i am and how i define myself
it also drives me to be so so so very passionate about the connections i have with people
emily, kylie, brandon, chris, carol-irene, jordan, vanessa, rachel, elaina, red, mattie, kenzie and zana...

not saying that these people are the only ones that i connect with but they are the ones that will always have a place in my heart
the ones that i will think about
wonder about
worry about
it wouldn't matter if they were horrible to me
hated me
it wouldn't matter

what's important is that
wherever they are
wherever i am
i know i will be there for them

that's my passion
that's my love
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