life is our hardest lesson
it was different.
and it was difficult. or rather, challenging.
i'm not saying that i'm too stupid to learn all these stuff; in fact im very willing to learn new things.
but don't i remember, my hardest lessons are always those which i've made the greatest mistakes. oh yes and i don't deny that i've made a ton of mistakes in this camp.. and i'm sort of guilty that i actually did them without realising, which in turn affected others as well. or maybe i did realise them, but things which are meant to be done immediately just wasn't and i just put it at the back of my mind till a senior trainer tells me, to my greatest dismay, that i've forgotten so and so YET AGAIN.
it was a disappointing and frustrating first for me, but i felt that maybe it was meant to be like that, getting half a dozen or more rowdy kids whom other trainers have problems handling as well. perhaps it was a test of my complacency in dealing with problems and though there is a difference between complacency and self confidence, sometimes the line can be drawn so thinly, one could hardly notice it. but the kids, indeed, do.
just a click of a second, that attention they had on me spunned to so and so.. and there goes it once more. now repeat that 10 more times in a span of 2 hours- i just felt my heart breaking everytime it happens, which is an obvious indication of my inadequateness okay, i know there's definitely room for improvement, it's just one failure but to me i think the very thought in my mind at that moment tells me the exact thing i need to know where to work on.
some tell me, oh, my next camp will be way better and don't worry too much about it. yuppp i'm not worrying, but it doesn't mean that i've become a better trainer. it just means that the camp is suiting to my liking and not my adapting to every single possibility of variety in the personalities of kids. and so.. as i finally fall into the sheets of my bed without the terribly annoying marching song alarm tone, the images of these 2 days appear in my brain, and i remember suddenly that this is the very reason for my wanting to become a camp instructor.