Long, rambling post. Sorry.
Hi. This is going to be an incredibly long, self-indulgent entry. For this I apologise. I just really need to get it all written down to try and help get things straight in my head. Feel free to give any advice you feel you can (it would be much appreciated), but I’m really not writing this out to try and get sympathy or help. I just literally need to write it all down. I’m going to keep it an open entry so Rob can view it if he wants to. I don’t want to keep anything from him about the way I’ve been handling the break-up.
So. I’ve been feeling incredibly up and down. Like, literally, one minute, I feel fine and positive and happy that I made the right decision, and excited about the future. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve now got a flat in Nunhead, and I move in on 31st August. I keep thinking about the housewarming party I’m going to have, and how the flat is going to be my own space. This makes me incredibly happy.
But, the next minute, I feel terrible. Not because I broke up with Rob; I know that was the right thing to do, even though it was hard. But for a variety of other reasons:
1) Guilt. I feel horrendously guilty that I hurt him. That I had to be the one to make the decision, and that it hit him so hard. When we broke up, he told me he would have married me and spent the rest of his life with me. I really didn’t need to hear that, although I’m grateful for him being honest with me. I also feel like a total bitch for not talking to him earlier in the relationship. We talked more last Friday night and Saturday morning than we have done for three years. Perhaps, if either of us had had the balls to say something sooner, we would have been able to work on our issues and get through it. Perhaps not. Perhaps he’s just not the right person for me, even if he thinks I was the right one for him.
2) Fear. I am terrified. Terrified that I’ve left behind a comfortable lifestyle in a two-bedroomed house with two cats that I love to bits and a boyfriend that I… well, tolerated, I suppose. That sounds awful. I liked him, but I didn’t always like being around him. But now, I’ve thrown myself into what is literally the unknown. I chose a flat very quickly (I only looked at four places), and I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. The flat I’ve chosen is a gorgeous one-bedroomed flat, but it’s not on the tube (15 minutes from Victoria on overground), and it’s quite expensive. I know I can budget for it, but I’ve been waking up every morning thinking it’s all a dream and that I don’t actually need to do this, I have a house I can go home to. I need to remind myself it’s real. I’m really, really scared that people aren’t going to want to come and see me in the flat, because it’s not connected by tube. I don’t know why my need to invite people into my own space is so strong; it just would mean so much to me if people could come and visit, and not have to be clockwatching for the last trains etc in the evening.
3) A worry that I’m going to alienate my friends in the next few weeks by talking about myself so much. Which is ironic, considering this entry. I’m so insanely grateful for everyone’s support, but I’ve just got a horrid fear that everyone’s gonna get sick of me being in a funk and ignore me. I know that’s not going to happen. But it doesn’t stop me thinking it.
4) The fact that I don’t have my own space at the moment. Again, I’m SO grateful to Marie and Margs for letting me stay, but it’s very disconcerting sleeping in someone’s living room at this time. Not anyone’s fault at all but the situation’s. Or, mine, I guess. I’m looking forward to getting back to Plaistow next week to sort my stuff out.
5) A paranoia that Rob doesn’t think I want to be friends. When we first broke up, Rob was absolutely desperate to make sure we stay friends. This was something I wanted, but, the way he was speaking at first sounded a little off-putting. He was talking about going back to seeing each other as regularly as we used to before we were going out, i.e. two or three times a week at comedy gigs and stuff. At the time I thought that was all well and good, but I didn’t necessarily want him there *every* time I went out to see comedy, a radio recording or whatever. Not only would it be weird, but my circumstances have changed since then. When Rob and I first got to know each other properly, I was living in Plaistow with Fee and Lauren, and not really speaking to either of them. I’d kind of lost contact with Marie and Naff because they were busy in their last year at uni, and I’m the world’s worst person for keeping in contact with people. I’d lost contact with Tara, Sarah, Shaz etc because of the stupid argument. I hadn’t met Paul or Ant yet. So, Rob was, at that point, the closest friend I had. I used to invite him out when Fee and Lauren asked me out anywhere for moral support. That’s one of the reasons we saw each other so much. And it’s just not like that now. HOWEVER. Having said all that, since I left on Saturday, I’ve missed him like hell. Not as a partner at all, but just because he was someone who I could depend on to always be there and give me practical advice, with my best interests at heart. It felt SO strange to be flat-hunting without him to point me in the right direction. So, I definitely, definitely want to stay friends and see him regularly. Yes, it will be weird and awkward at first, especially if he comes out with a group of my friends and me. But that’s just something we both have to get over, and I know we will. I’m just really worried that Rob doesn’t *think* that’s how I feel. I haven’t really had a chance to contact him because I’ve been so busy. But we’re meeting up for coffee tomorrow, which is good.
6) The fact that, although I feel upset, I’ve hardly cried at all. I know this is partly just my way of dealing with things; I’m someone who just tends to get on with things. Burying my emotions has been a coping mechanism of mine for as long as I can remember, and it turned out to be one of the main problems in my relationship with Rob. But I’m desperate to change that. While I don’t want to become an emotional wreck (I still want to be the strong, confident person that I know I can be), Rob quite rightly pointed out when we broke up that it’s something I need to work on, otherwise any future relationships I have will just get fucked up again. So, I’m trying to be more open with myself about what I feel. However, I think it’s just caused me to be introspective and think about things more, which in turn leads me to overthink things, which in turn leads to a huge, jumbled mess of confusion in my brain. I’m not more in touch with what I feel… I just don’t know what I feel anymore. Instead of thinking to myself, “OK, I’m sleeping in someone’s living room for a week, but that’s OK, I have to do this, this and this to get out of that situation and I know I’m perfectly capable of doing that, so let’s get on with it then”, which is what I would have thought this time two weeks ago, I’m now thinking, “right, sleeping in someone’s living room is making me depressed [again, I should just point out that’s in NO WAY a smite on Marie or Margs who have been WONDERFUL. It’s just that the situation is quite depressing in itself]. Why is it making me depressed? Does it mean that I made the wrong decision moving out, away from Rob? Does that make me a failure? What will everyone else think of me because of it?” I think I have to find a middle ground between being “in touch” with my emotions, and totally losing confidence in myself and my decisions because of my emotions. And I think, just letting myself cry more would be a good step in doing that. I just… haven’t really been able to. I mean, there’s been a few tears here and there since I left, but not a lot. I just really feel like I want to sit down somewhere and weep for about half an hour.
7) The fact that I’ve not been able to concentrate on work at all. This is terrible. I’m really, really scared that they’re going to sack me. I know that sounds ridiculous. But the training is SO intensive, so number-crunching, that you really have to concentrate on it. And my situation is just not conducive to concentration right now. I mean, I am getting the hang of it, but I know I’m not picking it up as easily as I should do. I’m not stupid, just dreadfully distracted at the moment. Also, I’ve been taking the piss a lot in the office; going online more than I should because I’m desperate to keep in touch with my friends (checking email and LJ). And flat-hunting as well, before yesterday. Using my mobile in the office for flat-hunting, which I shouldn’t really be doing, and using one of the land-lines in a private office, which, although my trainer said I was welcome to do that, I made shit-loads of calls on it. I think he just meant one or two. So. This leads me to think that they’re going to get rid of me, which in turn makes me terrified about money. In reality, I know they’re unlikely to do that, because I’m sure there have been worse trainees than me in the past. But it doesn’t stop my mind from working overtime. Maybe I should join a union, just in case.
8) The fact that, when I dumped Rob, I didn’t feel that rush of relief that I was expecting. I mean, I know everyone’s experience is different, but I was still expecting more of a feeling of being free. The fact that I didn’t feel that again made me question my decision, even though I do know I did the right thing.
As I touched upon earlier, the last two weeks have felt like a bad dream for me. I honestly do feel that I’m going to wake up any moment and it will all be over. There are certain times when I’ve been taken completely out of my funk and felt really alive in the past couple of weeks, and I live for those times, but I won’t go into that (a couple of you probably know what I’m talking about). But the rest of the time, I just feel like I’m in a durge. However, that doesn’t change the fact at all that I *know* I made the right decision.
I guess, what it all boils down to at the moment, is time. Give it time, and I will be much, MUCH happier than I was before. I know that. Yes, I won’t have as much money and my house won’t be as easy to get to, and I won’t have the cats or a car, but I’ll have my own space, my independence, and my friends who are FANTASTIC. I just want to say once again how absolutely wonderful everyone has been, and let you know once more how much I appreciate you all. I honestly, honestly mean that.
Wow. I’m so sorry to go on for so long. Well done if you read this far, and thank you for indulging me. Writing stuff out in some sort of logical order really does help. I feel better already. I just need to go and digest it all, I think.
Also, just re-reading all this back, it sounds like I'm actually doing worse than I am. I should say that I only feel like this half the time. I started writing this at 6pm, and I felt like shit. It's now 8:45 and I feel quite chipper. Randomness.
So. I’ve been feeling incredibly up and down. Like, literally, one minute, I feel fine and positive and happy that I made the right decision, and excited about the future. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve now got a flat in Nunhead, and I move in on 31st August. I keep thinking about the housewarming party I’m going to have, and how the flat is going to be my own space. This makes me incredibly happy.
But, the next minute, I feel terrible. Not because I broke up with Rob; I know that was the right thing to do, even though it was hard. But for a variety of other reasons:
1) Guilt. I feel horrendously guilty that I hurt him. That I had to be the one to make the decision, and that it hit him so hard. When we broke up, he told me he would have married me and spent the rest of his life with me. I really didn’t need to hear that, although I’m grateful for him being honest with me. I also feel like a total bitch for not talking to him earlier in the relationship. We talked more last Friday night and Saturday morning than we have done for three years. Perhaps, if either of us had had the balls to say something sooner, we would have been able to work on our issues and get through it. Perhaps not. Perhaps he’s just not the right person for me, even if he thinks I was the right one for him.
2) Fear. I am terrified. Terrified that I’ve left behind a comfortable lifestyle in a two-bedroomed house with two cats that I love to bits and a boyfriend that I… well, tolerated, I suppose. That sounds awful. I liked him, but I didn’t always like being around him. But now, I’ve thrown myself into what is literally the unknown. I chose a flat very quickly (I only looked at four places), and I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. The flat I’ve chosen is a gorgeous one-bedroomed flat, but it’s not on the tube (15 minutes from Victoria on overground), and it’s quite expensive. I know I can budget for it, but I’ve been waking up every morning thinking it’s all a dream and that I don’t actually need to do this, I have a house I can go home to. I need to remind myself it’s real. I’m really, really scared that people aren’t going to want to come and see me in the flat, because it’s not connected by tube. I don’t know why my need to invite people into my own space is so strong; it just would mean so much to me if people could come and visit, and not have to be clockwatching for the last trains etc in the evening.
3) A worry that I’m going to alienate my friends in the next few weeks by talking about myself so much. Which is ironic, considering this entry. I’m so insanely grateful for everyone’s support, but I’ve just got a horrid fear that everyone’s gonna get sick of me being in a funk and ignore me. I know that’s not going to happen. But it doesn’t stop me thinking it.
4) The fact that I don’t have my own space at the moment. Again, I’m SO grateful to Marie and Margs for letting me stay, but it’s very disconcerting sleeping in someone’s living room at this time. Not anyone’s fault at all but the situation’s. Or, mine, I guess. I’m looking forward to getting back to Plaistow next week to sort my stuff out.
5) A paranoia that Rob doesn’t think I want to be friends. When we first broke up, Rob was absolutely desperate to make sure we stay friends. This was something I wanted, but, the way he was speaking at first sounded a little off-putting. He was talking about going back to seeing each other as regularly as we used to before we were going out, i.e. two or three times a week at comedy gigs and stuff. At the time I thought that was all well and good, but I didn’t necessarily want him there *every* time I went out to see comedy, a radio recording or whatever. Not only would it be weird, but my circumstances have changed since then. When Rob and I first got to know each other properly, I was living in Plaistow with Fee and Lauren, and not really speaking to either of them. I’d kind of lost contact with Marie and Naff because they were busy in their last year at uni, and I’m the world’s worst person for keeping in contact with people. I’d lost contact with Tara, Sarah, Shaz etc because of the stupid argument. I hadn’t met Paul or Ant yet. So, Rob was, at that point, the closest friend I had. I used to invite him out when Fee and Lauren asked me out anywhere for moral support. That’s one of the reasons we saw each other so much. And it’s just not like that now. HOWEVER. Having said all that, since I left on Saturday, I’ve missed him like hell. Not as a partner at all, but just because he was someone who I could depend on to always be there and give me practical advice, with my best interests at heart. It felt SO strange to be flat-hunting without him to point me in the right direction. So, I definitely, definitely want to stay friends and see him regularly. Yes, it will be weird and awkward at first, especially if he comes out with a group of my friends and me. But that’s just something we both have to get over, and I know we will. I’m just really worried that Rob doesn’t *think* that’s how I feel. I haven’t really had a chance to contact him because I’ve been so busy. But we’re meeting up for coffee tomorrow, which is good.
6) The fact that, although I feel upset, I’ve hardly cried at all. I know this is partly just my way of dealing with things; I’m someone who just tends to get on with things. Burying my emotions has been a coping mechanism of mine for as long as I can remember, and it turned out to be one of the main problems in my relationship with Rob. But I’m desperate to change that. While I don’t want to become an emotional wreck (I still want to be the strong, confident person that I know I can be), Rob quite rightly pointed out when we broke up that it’s something I need to work on, otherwise any future relationships I have will just get fucked up again. So, I’m trying to be more open with myself about what I feel. However, I think it’s just caused me to be introspective and think about things more, which in turn leads me to overthink things, which in turn leads to a huge, jumbled mess of confusion in my brain. I’m not more in touch with what I feel… I just don’t know what I feel anymore. Instead of thinking to myself, “OK, I’m sleeping in someone’s living room for a week, but that’s OK, I have to do this, this and this to get out of that situation and I know I’m perfectly capable of doing that, so let’s get on with it then”, which is what I would have thought this time two weeks ago, I’m now thinking, “right, sleeping in someone’s living room is making me depressed [again, I should just point out that’s in NO WAY a smite on Marie or Margs who have been WONDERFUL. It’s just that the situation is quite depressing in itself]. Why is it making me depressed? Does it mean that I made the wrong decision moving out, away from Rob? Does that make me a failure? What will everyone else think of me because of it?” I think I have to find a middle ground between being “in touch” with my emotions, and totally losing confidence in myself and my decisions because of my emotions. And I think, just letting myself cry more would be a good step in doing that. I just… haven’t really been able to. I mean, there’s been a few tears here and there since I left, but not a lot. I just really feel like I want to sit down somewhere and weep for about half an hour.
7) The fact that I’ve not been able to concentrate on work at all. This is terrible. I’m really, really scared that they’re going to sack me. I know that sounds ridiculous. But the training is SO intensive, so number-crunching, that you really have to concentrate on it. And my situation is just not conducive to concentration right now. I mean, I am getting the hang of it, but I know I’m not picking it up as easily as I should do. I’m not stupid, just dreadfully distracted at the moment. Also, I’ve been taking the piss a lot in the office; going online more than I should because I’m desperate to keep in touch with my friends (checking email and LJ). And flat-hunting as well, before yesterday. Using my mobile in the office for flat-hunting, which I shouldn’t really be doing, and using one of the land-lines in a private office, which, although my trainer said I was welcome to do that, I made shit-loads of calls on it. I think he just meant one or two. So. This leads me to think that they’re going to get rid of me, which in turn makes me terrified about money. In reality, I know they’re unlikely to do that, because I’m sure there have been worse trainees than me in the past. But it doesn’t stop my mind from working overtime. Maybe I should join a union, just in case.
8) The fact that, when I dumped Rob, I didn’t feel that rush of relief that I was expecting. I mean, I know everyone’s experience is different, but I was still expecting more of a feeling of being free. The fact that I didn’t feel that again made me question my decision, even though I do know I did the right thing.
As I touched upon earlier, the last two weeks have felt like a bad dream for me. I honestly do feel that I’m going to wake up any moment and it will all be over. There are certain times when I’ve been taken completely out of my funk and felt really alive in the past couple of weeks, and I live for those times, but I won’t go into that (a couple of you probably know what I’m talking about). But the rest of the time, I just feel like I’m in a durge. However, that doesn’t change the fact at all that I *know* I made the right decision.
I guess, what it all boils down to at the moment, is time. Give it time, and I will be much, MUCH happier than I was before. I know that. Yes, I won’t have as much money and my house won’t be as easy to get to, and I won’t have the cats or a car, but I’ll have my own space, my independence, and my friends who are FANTASTIC. I just want to say once again how absolutely wonderful everyone has been, and let you know once more how much I appreciate you all. I honestly, honestly mean that.
Wow. I’m so sorry to go on for so long. Well done if you read this far, and thank you for indulging me. Writing stuff out in some sort of logical order really does help. I feel better already. I just need to go and digest it all, I think.
Also, just re-reading all this back, it sounds like I'm actually doing worse than I am. I should say that I only feel like this half the time. I started writing this at 6pm, and I felt like shit. It's now 8:45 and I feel quite chipper. Randomness.