cigarettes & lies....
"I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool
Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in an hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon"
tonight i am sitting crosslegged on a cream colored shaggy rug in a borrowed flat drinking black tea thumbing through back issues of the village voice looking for something that inspires me to create something out of nothing because that's all i have to work with right now. tonight's theme song is regina spektor's "hotel song" which has been rotated back to..oh...5 or 6 times now....black tea is kicking in now, better than the nasty scotch on the counter next to the big jug of olive oil, the scotch i can't stomach, the olive oil liberally stomached with every piece of crusty sourdough bread i picked up fresh for 99 cents down the street....this is life now, so good even in it's sorrow, i can't bear to push the "purchase" button on the amtrak website i keep going back to to stare at aimlessly for 15 minutes or so throughout my day biting the end of my braid which is a bad habit i've picked up here where there is so much uncertainty....
i think i'm going to stay a little longer. because i'm morbid and like to poke dead things with sticks to see if they'll move. because i haven't been here long enough for my whole life here to be dead yet. because i'm evil & cruel & while i could drown in my sorrow i could also tell the cause of my sorrow about it & let the cause bear witness to the tides of my life & emotions. since, after all, i'm already here & i know where he lives as i teased him last night when i was trying to get him to tell me what secrets i spilled in my sleep............
he's sleeping at the offices tonight, solitude a friend of his & an early morning train to catch to boston for the weekend. last night the plan was for me to be leaving monday i'm not sure he knows i'll still be here when he gets back, or what annoyance that might be for him.
"i'm sorry-ology forgive-me-ology let's study class let's study class an incurrable human-ness you are forgive me forgive me forgive me-ology forgive me forgive me....."
my suitcases are broken anyway, and time seems so much shorter here, i'm not sure how i could have fixed them in time for the monday train to portland.........
"let's go to the movies i will sing you a song about nothing at all" (the song changed, now it's "loveology" by regina spektor)
he & i don't talk about what happened really. there is a bit of small talk and a careful tiptoe conversation of vague allusions & analogies but the words plain as this stick stripped of bark in my hand have not rung in the air. i tried to apologize last night for revealing parts of where his & my kite strings are tangled to you & to the public my explanation being that i have to leave breadcrumbs for myself, to document that i in fact was here & my life existed & these things did happen & this is the way the sun looked on that flowering tree on that day. & then he told me a secret & so i know there is an understanding to that funny nature of mine & someday somehow i will find a way to repay him for his hospitality & understanding & putting-up-with-me-ness & revealing what he has of himself to me & for almost.........................................
almost.
you, if you are reading this, i am very skilled at untying knots and will have our kite strings untangled soon............
& maybe when you asked me to be your muse & i said only if the favor was reciprocated maybe this weird bittersweet situation is what we both meant, already thinking of parting before even meeting.
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool
Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in an hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon"
tonight i am sitting crosslegged on a cream colored shaggy rug in a borrowed flat drinking black tea thumbing through back issues of the village voice looking for something that inspires me to create something out of nothing because that's all i have to work with right now. tonight's theme song is regina spektor's "hotel song" which has been rotated back to..oh...5 or 6 times now....black tea is kicking in now, better than the nasty scotch on the counter next to the big jug of olive oil, the scotch i can't stomach, the olive oil liberally stomached with every piece of crusty sourdough bread i picked up fresh for 99 cents down the street....this is life now, so good even in it's sorrow, i can't bear to push the "purchase" button on the amtrak website i keep going back to to stare at aimlessly for 15 minutes or so throughout my day biting the end of my braid which is a bad habit i've picked up here where there is so much uncertainty....
i think i'm going to stay a little longer. because i'm morbid and like to poke dead things with sticks to see if they'll move. because i haven't been here long enough for my whole life here to be dead yet. because i'm evil & cruel & while i could drown in my sorrow i could also tell the cause of my sorrow about it & let the cause bear witness to the tides of my life & emotions. since, after all, i'm already here & i know where he lives as i teased him last night when i was trying to get him to tell me what secrets i spilled in my sleep............
he's sleeping at the offices tonight, solitude a friend of his & an early morning train to catch to boston for the weekend. last night the plan was for me to be leaving monday i'm not sure he knows i'll still be here when he gets back, or what annoyance that might be for him.
"i'm sorry-ology forgive-me-ology let's study class let's study class an incurrable human-ness you are forgive me forgive me forgive me-ology forgive me forgive me....."
my suitcases are broken anyway, and time seems so much shorter here, i'm not sure how i could have fixed them in time for the monday train to portland.........
"let's go to the movies i will sing you a song about nothing at all" (the song changed, now it's "loveology" by regina spektor)
he & i don't talk about what happened really. there is a bit of small talk and a careful tiptoe conversation of vague allusions & analogies but the words plain as this stick stripped of bark in my hand have not rung in the air. i tried to apologize last night for revealing parts of where his & my kite strings are tangled to you & to the public my explanation being that i have to leave breadcrumbs for myself, to document that i in fact was here & my life existed & these things did happen & this is the way the sun looked on that flowering tree on that day. & then he told me a secret & so i know there is an understanding to that funny nature of mine & someday somehow i will find a way to repay him for his hospitality & understanding & putting-up-with-me-ness & revealing what he has of himself to me & for almost.........................................
almost.
you, if you are reading this, i am very skilled at untying knots and will have our kite strings untangled soon............
& maybe when you asked me to be your muse & i said only if the favor was reciprocated maybe this weird bittersweet situation is what we both meant, already thinking of parting before even meeting.