cutting the cord
i want an early night so i'll make this quick.
we're all doing the same krap lately. SAT prep, drivers ed., singing, homework, coffe. it's all the same krap.
i've been living in fear. fear of the road. fear of failure. fear of rejection. why has it taken so long for my fears to become apparent? why can't i be just a little normal? perhaps i am normal. perhaps i'm too normal. perhaps i'm not sure what i am, and perhaps it doesn't matter.
i thrive on temporary pleasures. a good conversation here and there, a good nap, and a good few minutes on the road. but all of it seems to precede something lousy- an abrupt ending. running short of time, the ringing phones, the barking dog, and the messy turn that puts me too far left on the road. it's becoming more and more dangerous and i'm becoming more and more apprehensive of absolutely everything. my dad told me that once you let your fears abduct one of your senses, it's bound to abduct them all. how correct. i'll stumble with my words or my actions, and then i'll seek the comfort that will keep me safe and warm temporarily. i know that most concrete things are, indeed, 110% temporary. that is horrifying. i'm just so disappointed with the way things have turned out. nothing suits me lately. nobody really wants to be my friend. i need to start going for long walks. more walking, more driving. i love to walk, i hate to drive. how much longer can i wait?
i've become so content with being so independent. i can go about my day just fine, i can find things that will make me laugh, i can get some work done. i just keep making so many mistakes. i never realized how precious confidence can be. it's not enough to have nice parents and nice material possessions and nice grades and a nice voice. there's something missing. i'm not necessarily implying that i need a boyfriend or a bestfriend or love or attention. i'm not necessarily implying anything. i need to start reading more about the different perceptions of wholeness again. i need to start reading again. i need to be brainwashed. i need to hug my mum and have her tell me that i'm lovely and that everything will be fine. i'll learn to drive and i'll be the best driver. i'll go to college and i'll be the best at going to college. my brain could still use some cleansing.
people (mr. piropato) often compare the components of life (chemistry) to cooking. you're making something, let's say soup. you're making soup and it isn't out of a can, it's from scratch. you start with the rue of the soup and you bring it to a decent consistency and then you add seasoning until it suits your tastes. some people prefer it saltier or more peppery or more whatever. i just need to make my life-soup taste great. maybe i'll add more books and more nice people and add less negativity and less sulking and less fear. nobody likes the taste of fear soup. i want the happy soup! great analogy. so poetic. *shrug.*
i wanted to add more to this lj soup but i'm tired of lj and i'm tired of soup. i'm too scared to go to bed because i'm too scared to wake up. perhaps i don't need a support team, or bettr friends and bettr times and bettr flickr... i think that all i need to do is find the comfort in everything.
***
it's just comfort. getting comfy. make yourself comfortable.
we're all doing the same krap lately. SAT prep, drivers ed., singing, homework, coffe. it's all the same krap.
i've been living in fear. fear of the road. fear of failure. fear of rejection. why has it taken so long for my fears to become apparent? why can't i be just a little normal? perhaps i am normal. perhaps i'm too normal. perhaps i'm not sure what i am, and perhaps it doesn't matter.
i thrive on temporary pleasures. a good conversation here and there, a good nap, and a good few minutes on the road. but all of it seems to precede something lousy- an abrupt ending. running short of time, the ringing phones, the barking dog, and the messy turn that puts me too far left on the road. it's becoming more and more dangerous and i'm becoming more and more apprehensive of absolutely everything. my dad told me that once you let your fears abduct one of your senses, it's bound to abduct them all. how correct. i'll stumble with my words or my actions, and then i'll seek the comfort that will keep me safe and warm temporarily. i know that most concrete things are, indeed, 110% temporary. that is horrifying. i'm just so disappointed with the way things have turned out. nothing suits me lately. nobody really wants to be my friend. i need to start going for long walks. more walking, more driving. i love to walk, i hate to drive. how much longer can i wait?
i've become so content with being so independent. i can go about my day just fine, i can find things that will make me laugh, i can get some work done. i just keep making so many mistakes. i never realized how precious confidence can be. it's not enough to have nice parents and nice material possessions and nice grades and a nice voice. there's something missing. i'm not necessarily implying that i need a boyfriend or a bestfriend or love or attention. i'm not necessarily implying anything. i need to start reading more about the different perceptions of wholeness again. i need to start reading again. i need to be brainwashed. i need to hug my mum and have her tell me that i'm lovely and that everything will be fine. i'll learn to drive and i'll be the best driver. i'll go to college and i'll be the best at going to college. my brain could still use some cleansing.
people (mr. piropato) often compare the components of life (chemistry) to cooking. you're making something, let's say soup. you're making soup and it isn't out of a can, it's from scratch. you start with the rue of the soup and you bring it to a decent consistency and then you add seasoning until it suits your tastes. some people prefer it saltier or more peppery or more whatever. i just need to make my life-soup taste great. maybe i'll add more books and more nice people and add less negativity and less sulking and less fear. nobody likes the taste of fear soup. i want the happy soup! great analogy. so poetic. *shrug.*
i wanted to add more to this lj soup but i'm tired of lj and i'm tired of soup. i'm too scared to go to bed because i'm too scared to wake up. perhaps i don't need a support team, or bettr friends and bettr times and bettr flickr... i think that all i need to do is find the comfort in everything.
***
it's just comfort. getting comfy. make yourself comfortable.